


Memento Mori

by TwilightMaster15



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Depression, Developing Friendships, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Investigations, Is Light actually not Kira?, Mystery, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 60,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23923687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightMaster15/pseuds/TwilightMaster15
Summary: After one too many accusations of being Kira, Light takes matters into his own hands and takes his own life, stunning and horrifying a now grieving task force.When a note left behind says there is more to the story, Aizawa decides to find out all the reasons why Light did this, to find closure in what happened, getting help from Matsuda, who battles his own mind and guilt which manifested into a dark voice determined to destroy him as everything he's known for years falls apart around him left and right.With further assistance from the mysterious boy, Matt, who has joined the task force, answers begin to come up and paint a disturbing picture of what was going on in Light's life behind closed doors and how all of this could tie in with Kira, including secrets known by Kiyomi Takada, who proves herself to be a valuable unintentional ally.But for Near, something still doesn't sit right. Was Light Yagami actually never Kira? Or is there something much darker going on here?
Comments: 9
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

"Light, there's something you should know." Light looked up from his computer, blinking in Aizawa's direction, trying to ignore the uncomfortable knots forming in his stomach, twisting painfully, from the way the older officer was looking at him, "I phoned Near and talked to him."

In a blank stare, there were countless emotions, which Light found he could boil down to disappointed and betrayed but not surprised. "Don't worry about it." Light replied softly, for in truth he had long since seen this coming, and he had already prepared for it and a way to prove to the task force that he wasn't Kira, "After all, I was the one who recommended it. So what did the two of you end up discussing?" He hesitated, "No, on second thought, I probably shouldn't ask. I guess it's not appropriate to ask those kinds of questions if I'm a suspect." That word—suspect. It was never going to go away.

"Don't get me wrong, I want to believe that you aren't Kira," Aizawa insisted, "But I've got to be sure. I'm sorry to do this again, but I want to put you under surveillance until we catch Kira. I'm afraid that goes for Misa Amane as well. I'm gonna search your place right now. There's a possibility that Amane might have a notebook."

Oh, what a transparent lie that was. Aizawa _absolutely_ wanted to believe it. Why else would he jump back onto the "Light is Kira" bandwagon the second the 13-day rule had been potentially debunked? 

And maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, Light hated him for that fact, but at the moment, he was more preoccupied with the mention of surveillance again. 

Of a handcuff locked around his wrist and percentages being thrown at him every hour of the day. 

Of his father with that horrible expression, pointing a gun at his head, _"Light, my son, from one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell!"_ And then remembering the only reason that particular instance wasn't going to happen again was that his dear father was dead and it was his fault. 

Of being trapped in a Death Row cell, confused and scared and alone, the isolation driving him mad and wondering why he was even alive. 

If Light hadn't made his choice last night, he would have made it now. But the fact he could make this decision brought him enough calm to ensure nobody knew about the turmoil Near's accusations had thrown him into.

Matsuda jumped up, "Hang on a second, Aizawa—"

"No... go right ahead." Light even forced a small smile on his face, "At least you can prove to everyone that I'm not sneaking around and contacting Misa in private, right?"

"Right..." He could tell Aizawa was skeptical of his compliance, and if he was surprised by this, he was going to be astounded by what happened next.

"Goodbye, Aizawa." Light whispered, and Aizawa left, followed shortly thereafter by Mogi, leaving Ide and Matsuda the only ones at headquarters.

Light checked his watch, taking note of what time it was, and then got up as he knew now was as good a time as any.

"I'm going to take a shower." He got up and walked in the direction of the bathroom. Matsuda sent him a worried look. 

"Light, I know it must be hard dealing with this again, but I still know you're not Kira." In truth, Light felt warmed by the statement and wondered if Matsuda was going to be the poor soul to be the first witness to what he planned to do. The dark and sadistic part of his brain wanted Aizawa to be the one who saw it first.

"Thank you, Matsuda. It means a lot. But I'm not worried. The fact I am not Kira will become apparent soon." 

As he entered the bathroom, his first course of action was to turn on the shower, to conceal any sound. And this would give him an excusable reason to be in here for longer without someone coming to check on him and ruin everything.

As he dug into his pocket and pulled out the note that he had prepared last night. Better to have it already done than bring a pen in the bathroom and look even more suspicious. And this gave him more time.

Light sighed, trying to muster up any feeling, maybe relief or even a little fear, but he felt nothing. Numb was the only sensation he was aware of as he opened one of the drawers and pulled out his razor, popping out a couple of the blades. A little on the small side, but this was the best he had, and it would work just fine.

At some point, he dully noticed himself going into auto-pilot, almost as though he was merely watching a movie instead of performing these actions himself. He felt himself sitting against the wall, taking a breath of the steam, and brought the blades to his wrists.

And that was that.

...

As Matsuda worked on anything that he could think of to distract himself from the fact Light was under suspicion again, he couldn't help but feel angry at Near and Aizawa. Sure, Near didn't know how insensitive it was to start accusing Light again, but surely Aizawa remembered Light's suffering, and the fact his father died only sixteen days ago for crying out loud!

He wasn't sure if he imagined it, but he had noticed yesterday, the slump of Light's shoulders and the hints of upset in his features. But today he was so calm, it almost didn't feel right. Something about this didn't sit right with Matsuda, but since he knew without a doubt that Light was innocent, he had no idea what seemed so off. 

Light's words had seemed off too, sending chills up Matsuda's spine.

He found himself checking the time, his brow furrowing when he heard the shower was still on,

"It's time for Kira's Kingdom. But... has Light been gone a while?" Ide looked up from the article he was reading, frowning in the direction of the bathroom. Both of them listened for the sound of Light's voice as sometimes he sang in the shower—and it was just unfair that Light had a better singing voice than everybody else to top it all off. 

But there was no song from the shower, and Light had been gone a little too long.

"Come to think of it," they both look to each other, but Matsuda shook himself because maybe Light just needed some time to himself after a stressful day. But a feeling of dread began to seep in, and Matsuda tensed anxiously,

"I'll check on him." Matsuda got up, walking to the door and knocking, "Hey, Light, it's time for Kira's Kingdom. You've been in there a while, are you okay?"

No response. 

Usually, this would be enough to send Matsuda away, but something didn't feel right. Again, nothing to do with Kira, but why would Light act in such a way that would make him look more suspicious to Ide?

"Light, I'm coming in. Sorry if you're not dressed." There was a tiny hole on the doorknob, and Matsuda knew that if he inserted the long wire key into it, the door would unlock. That's what he did, bursting into the room and hoped to hear Light's embarrassed and angry shouting.

The actual scene Matsuda walked in on was so unexpected, so horrible, that it took him so off-guard he was launched back a few steps, and it took him a bit to recover.

Once the initial shock faded, his eyes quickly scanned back to Light, and once again, Matsuda was utterly shocked at the scene before him. Light was there in the flesh. However, he looked oh-so different from the young man who had walked in here—who had been his friend for nearly six years.

He was dead or facing it. Matsuda couldn't see the movement of his chest going up and down, taking in air like any living thing would. It was flat, with no motion whatsoever. He was slumped against the wall next to the running shower, his legs in a W-sit, and in his limp hand were a couple tiny blood-soaked blades. His wrists were sliced open in a menacing and frightening graphic image; his clothing and the tile floor around him were drenched in blood already. 

Matsuda walked over to his body, and he looked over Light's limp form with tears in the corners of his eyes. But then he snapped out this stupid spell, screaming for Ide to call the hospital, and he rushed to search for a pulse—any hope that Light was still alive. 

Ide ran in too to see what happened, and when his gaze rested on Light, who was being laid gently on the ground as Matsuda checked for a pulse or any sign of life at all, and he untied his tie, using it to bandage Light's wrists, to apply pressure and stop the bleeding. Ide tossed him his own tie to do the same thing to the other wrist, before darting out while talking to emergency services.

Now being this close, Matsuda could really see Light's face and the tear tracks staining his cheeks… he had been crying, and nobody had known. How long had Light felt this way? Just the thought that Light had been suffering so much brought such a pain to Matsuda's chest that he wondered momentarily if this was a heart attack brought on by Kira.

"Come on… Come on, Light," he pleaded, shaking him to try getting a response, his mind too blank and shocked to remember his training for a situation like this. Be-Because damnit! Light was their friend, he was supposed to lead them to bring Kira to justice. It was always supposed to be another man's friend that he helped, never his own friend, not someone he had worked with and fought alongside.

Light's eyes stayed closed, and he remained unmoving. And as Ide came in, Matsuda's entire body trembled, unable to see the faintest bit of life within the body in front of him. It couldn't be true! This was all just a horrible nightmare he would wake up from shortly. He had just taken a nap on the couch—that was it, and soon Ide and Light would wake him up and lecture him for being an idiot and sleeping on the job. Tears started to stream down his cheeks at a quicker speed as he desperately pinched himself, _wake up, Matsuda, WAKE UP._

After a few moments of hysterically trying to wake himself up from this nightmare, he turned back to Light, and something cracked inside him, fearing so much time had passed that Light was dead, unable to be saved. "I'm sorry, Light... So sorry. I wish I could've helped you."

He switched his position so his back was to the wall, pulling Light to him on instinct, unable to think of anything else he could do except press against the wounds and hold him close. He could smell the strong scent of blood, and also the subtle aroma of Light's aftershave.

Then he noticed how cold Light was, the steam in the room having left even if the shower had yet to be turned off, but it still destroyed the illusion of Light being warm and alive. 

This couldn't be real, Matsuda knew it. But then he remembered he had been worried about Light and how much the young man had gone through. What if surveillance had been the final straw and he… 

Clinging to Light a little tighter, Matsuda began to sob, and sob, and sob, wishing his embrace could turn back the clock and give Light more time. The paramedics had to be here soon, it had been so long, right?

For Matsuda, it had been hours, but in reality, it was only maybe five minutes. 

After a moment, Ide came in, turning off the shower and trying not to look at the lifeless husk, "Matsuda, we should move him." He sounded calm, but there was a tremor in his voice at what was right in front of him.

They probably should do that. That sounded good, and it gave him something to do, something to focus on that wasn't…

He tried to hoist Light up, but his dead—no, just weight—but Light's _weight_ , no matter how little that was, was difficult to support with how much Matsuda's whole body shook, but he managed after a moment with Ide's help, resting Light on the couch and trying to get a better look at the wounds.

Oh god, Aizawa and Mogi didn't know about this. What about Misa-Misa or Sayu or Mrs. Yagami? _Why, Light? Why did you… You could have talked to me…_

He pulled out his phone, struggling to punch in the numbers because surely the paramedics would be here soon, and Aizawa could meet them at the hospital. Because… Light might not be breathing, and he might not have a heartbeat, but he could still get better! Hospitals had that zappy-thing, right? The one that made hearts start again, yeah! That thing would make everything okay. It hadn't worked for L because a Shinigami killed him, but Light...

Didn't stop him from breaking down again the moment he heard Aizawa's voice on the other end of the line.

...

"Hey, is everything okay?" Misa asked from where she lounged on the couch, a hint of concern in her tone. Aizawa didn't know what to feel. There was no notebook here. That was good, right? Then why did he still have a knot of dread in his stomach? It wouldn't hurt to stay here with Misa. He doubted Light would even want to see him, no matter how surprisingly gracious he was about the whole thing.

"Yeah, it seems like it was just a prank." He was about to insist he stay with Misa to keep an eye on her, but his phone rang, "Huh?" The caller ID said it was Matsuda. Why would Matsuda be calling? "Hello?" He didn't know what to expect, but to hear the usually cheerful officer sounding as though someone had just torn his heart out was not it.

 _"Ai—Aiza—"_ Matsuda gasped out, and first things first was to get Matsuda to calm down. Whatever had happened was serious if it was even getting Matsuda this upset. His gut told him that both he and Mogi were going to be needed to handle whatever this was. Did Light slip and reveal himself as Kira? For the life of him, Aizawa couldn't think of any other possibility.

He stepped outside with Mogi, who had assured Misa this was unrelated to Light as they stepped out, "Woah, Woah, calm down, what's going on? Are you hurt?"

 _"It—It's Light! He's hurt—I think he—"_ a loud sob came from him, and his words were indistinguishable.

Wait... Light was hurt? How could he have possibly gotten hurt to the point Matsuda was acting like this? No, obviously he had heard wrong. But then what happened?

"Matsuda, take deep breaths, what is going on?"

_"Light tried to kill himself!"_

It was as though time had frozen, as Aizawa was no longer able to hear anything around him, those words echoing in his mind. No, that was impossible. Light just wasn't the type to... this was wrong. He seriously must have heard wrong.

And yet he still found himself running at top speeds down the street to make it back to headquarters. Mogi ran beside him, and maybe he said something asking what was happening, but Aizawa didn't hear him, weaving past people. Even if he had heard wrong, whatever had happened involved Light, and it changed everything.

When they got there, he stopped dead in his tracks, seeing the ambulance, and Light being brought out on a stretcher, two ties around his wrists, and formerly tan skin already ashen to the point of being almost grey.

He ran up the stairs and into the building, looking around and seeing Ide trying to console Matsuda, who by the looks of things had just thrown up. 

"Ide..." Ide looked up, and then a noise caught all of their attentions, of Demegawa dying of a heart attack, struck down by what could only be Kira and the Death Note.

At a time that neither Light or Misa could have...

_What's going on? There was no chance for either Misa Amane or Light to use the notebook, and with what I just saw..._

"What happened?" He asked again, even if he was starting to fear what Matsuda had said was the truth. That Light had really...

"Light slit his wrists. Matsuda's the one who found his body." Ide spoke softly, and Matsuda's sobbing came back with force. Mogi threw a hand over his mouth, bending down to console Matsuda. 

But Aizawa's mind had frozen at those words, "Light slit his wrists." Scratch that, his whole body froze, unable to do anything else but replay those horrific words in his head. Never had he thought he'd hear such words from someone.

Never had he thought Light would do such a thing.

At some point, Ide helped Matsuda stand, saying something about heading to the hospital. That was probably the best course of action, make sure Light pulled through, but Aizawa, unfortunately, suspected already, from seeing the body on that stretcher, that Light was already gone. 

He jolted when he felt Mogi's hand on his shoulder, "Come on, let's head to the hospital." Almost on auto-pilot, Aizawa shook his head; this whole situation seemed so surreal. Like there was no way this could actually be happening.

"I'll meet you there," he whispered, "I need a moment." Mogi just nodded, leaving, and Aizawa just stood there for a bit, with the almost tangy smell of blood coming from the bathroom and from the floor where some of Light's life had spilled out onto the carpet.

He found himself walking in the direction of the bathroom, yet still unsure if he wanted to see this. But he knew he had to. He knew he wasn't going to be ready to see this, but it knocked the breath out of his lungs nevertheless, seeing how much blood Light had lost, semi-dried blood caked on the tile, the blades discarded.

And worst of all, the piece of paper sitting on the counter, which he could tell even from a distance, was a suicide note. All he could do was pick it up from where it lay before he was no longer strong enough to stand, falling to his knees.

_I doubt any of us have actually read the note Light left, but we should search it for any clues—what am I kidding?! Light just..._

Light wasn't dead—at least that was the hope—so did he want to read this? The part of him which still had a doubt about Light's innocence wanted to check for any signs, but the rest of him was thinking "what the hell is wrong with you" and wanted to wait for Light himself to answer the question of why. 

But what if Light was really...

Despite himself, his eyes wandered onto the page, and Light's handwriting telling a story.

_So you found my body and by now probably know why at this point in time I should be dead on the floor. It's weird, I know. And if this note seems a little long and rambly, it's because this is my attempt at therapy, and I didn't have the chance to write something better without looking even more suspicious. Here's the thing…_

_I never belonged or fit in here. Do not weep for me, or mourn my passing. I don't expect to be missed, but maybe there's someone out there. Everyone else who honestly did not care, go on with your lives with a clean conscience and dry eyes. I know you don't want to weep for me and are probably dancing for joy at my passing. Go right ahead._

_Alright, time to cut to the chase because I'm pretty sure that if someone's actually going through the trouble of reading this, you want answers. Why did I do this? Well... there's a lot of reasons. And I want to tell you about everything, but I can't because going over the years I have been thinking about this would take too long, and I couldn't stand for you to continue having that look on your face all the time as though I'm the scum of the Earth. I just need you to look at me and think that I'm normal. I just really need that._

_That said, I'm not going to hide it. The Kira accusations really did affect me. But I understand them, perhaps that's the worst part. After all, the case has gone nowhere with me in charge—I am terrible at being L's successor. He was wrong to suggest I could ever take his place. The world would have been better off if I had died instead of him. It's my fault that my personality and aspects of my view of justice just happen to match up with what has been accepted about Kira._

_Yes, it hurts to have these accusations thrown at me, but it's actually the fact this has happened before that drove me to act in the stupid and possibly selfish way I have. For so long, I've pretended to be okay, hide the fact I haven't slept properly in years, reminded every day of confinement and surveillance, or my father pointing a gun at my head. That's what happened the first time I was a suspect. What's going to happen now that I'm such a suspicious screwup? I can't go through another of those terrible times. Hell, I already know I won't recover this time, knowing Dad died because of me. I can't fight any longer, and at this point, I've given up on getting out of this alive. Whether I am Kira or not, I am still going to end up being imprisoned for it, so from where I stand, this is the best for my family, who will not be scorned for raising me if I'm already dead._

_I know I was wasting your life, that without me, you could work and solve the case quickly, like when L was alive. And you will, I know. You all have been so patient with me, even if I am not good enough for you. But, hey, I'm good enough for Hell, don't you think? I don't want to hurt anybody, so please forget about me. Find yourself a better leader._

_I know I am in no position to ask for any favors—being the number one Kira suspect and also dead—but to whoever reads this, please bring Kira to justice and avenge L's death. And please take care of Mom and Sayu as I am no longer able._

_I think I made my point. Goodbye._

Aizawa noted one of his own hot tears fall onto the paper, taking note of all the little things. He noticed Light mention Hell.

 _"The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell,"_ the Death Note's rules said. Another subtle way of, even in a letter designed to show his thoughts during his final moments, saying he wasn't Kira. And with what had happened on Kira's Kingdom today...

Even if Light survived, Aizawa had no idea how he was going to face the young man, the boy he had driven to suicide.

_There's more to this, Aizawa... Why else would Light do this? He had been able to tough it out the first time with L, so what could be different now?_

The chief had been alive the first time. And Light had clearly had a close relationship with L, so being accused of being the cause of his friend's death—or honestly, there were times he had gotten the feeling there was more to their relationship—must be painful.

So many emotions wanted to tear out, so all he could do was try to think about this logically. Detach himself from the situation, as though Light was another man's friend, not someone _he_ had known for years and should have seen the signs from. 

Where were the signs? He knew Light was a remarkable actor when he wanted to be, so he didn't expect to find much, looking back on what had happened. But he did have to admit that throwing Light back under suspicion barely two weeks after his father used the last of his strength to tell them that Light didn't have a notebook was insensitive. But what choice had he had in the matter? If Light had been Kira, that time letting him grieve could have been hundreds of people dead.

Regardless, it had never been his intention to break Light like this. Aizawa highly doubted that Light would go so far as to commit suicide just so people would stop suspecting him of being Kira. He felt horrible.

 _Why?_ That was the question that rang through his mind. The note said there were more reasons than just the Kira accusations, and while that brought him some peace of mind, it also served to do the exact opposite, knowing Light had been suffering and he had been blind. He saw Light more than he did his own daughter these days, what if he missed something like this in Yumi?

He swallowed thickly as his mind rewound to that last conversation with Light. What could he have said or done differently to convince Light that life was worth living? He regretted ever mentioning surveillance, even if he hadn't known that Light was still traumatized from five years ago.

"You—You could have come to me," he whispered to the paper as though it was actually Light in the flesh, "You didn't have to do this—you didn't need to go through this alone. Any of us would have tried to help you... Light, why didn't you tell me?"

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, trying to detach himself from the situation again, part of him knowing he should head to the hospital so he could tell Light all of this in person.

He wanted to believe life wasn't so cruel as to rob them of Light so soon after the chief's death and tear apart the poor Yagami family even further. Damnit, Light couldn't just die! 

Getting up off the floor on shaky legs, Aizawa held the note, pocketing it. Light would be able to explain everything, so there was no need to show the others the letter, right? Light had looked dead on the stretcher, but that could have been a trick of the angle he was at, and he had lost a lot of blood. He couldn't actually be...

The drive to the hospital was a short one, but he was still waiting for a call, hoping someone could give him a heads up about what he was going to see. But nobody did, and he couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing yet.

Once Aizawa explained to the receptionist why he was here, he was taken to a private room, and that in itself already told him the situation was dire. 

He entered, and the room was silent, nobody saying a word, which in itself had an air of wrong to it. Hell, this whole situation had that feeling to it. Just a glance at the expressions of everybody in the room told him nobody had expected that Light would do this, and most likely had brushed off any of the few signs they did notice.

Matsuda was looking at the floor, and Aizawa partially expected his typical greeting smile, but none came. Instead, his mouth remained an uncharacteristic grim line. There was a sadness in his eyes, the brown too glossy. 

But of course, Matsuda wouldn't be his usual self and try to lighten the mood, not after what he had seen today—something he should have never needed to see.

They all sat in silence, before Matsuda finally said something softly, so quiet he was almost not heard. "Light's not Kira." Aizawa turned but saw Matsuda's eyes still hadn't left the floor, so whether he was speaking in general or to Aizawa, he didn't know. Regardless, he decided to respond, thinking to the events of Kira's Kingdom, when Light was in the ambulance as the deaths happened.

"I know he isn't. I'll talk to Near later once we know if Light's going to pull through." He said the 'if' so quietly he wasn't sure if he had even said it or mentally added it.

Death wasn't kind. Aizawa knew that. It snatched where it could, taking people who were far too young, far too good. It didn't pretend to care, it didn't pretend to distinguish. The hooded vale of death had hung over the world for a long time, always threatening. So he knew that praying for Light to be okay was going to achieve nothing, and yet he still found himself doing it.

It was another while in silence—or it could honestly have been only a few minutes, he didn't know anymore—Mogi spoke.

"Should we call Sachiko... or Misa? They need to know Light's in the hospital."

Everyone cringed, knowing that while Misa was going to be a wreck, Sachiko was something else entirely. In less than a month, she lost her husband, her daughter went catatonic, and her son tried to commit suicide. 

And for a moment, all Aizawa felt was fury and detest for Mello, even stronger than it had been before, for tearing apart this family. Light's actions were his own, but something told Aizawa he wouldn't have done this if his home life was okay.

Once he had a clear head, even if Light explained some things once they could see him, he was still going to analyze the letter and find out why this happened.

_"Well... there's a lot of reasons. And I want to tell you about everything, but I can't because going over the years I have been thinking about this would take too long, and I couldn't stand for you to continue having that look on your face all the time as though I'm the scum of the Earth."_

A lot of reasons going over years. What was it? He wracked his brain for an answer, something to make this all make sense. The accusations may have been the final straw, but that wasn't the only reason, and Light had said so himself.

What was he supposed to do? He didn't want to lose Light and hadn't _wanted_ to believe that Light was Kira. But he couldn't magically make all of Light's pain go away, no matter how much he wanted to. It wasn't like he could go to Light and promise everything was going to be okay, because he didn't know what was going on in Light's broken and brilliant mind.

All he could do was try his best to understand and make sure Light made it to the end of the case with them. He deserved to see Kira brought to justice too. Then they could all finally begin to heal from the strain of this case.

Everyone looked up when they saw the door open, and a young man probably around Matsuda's age came in. The doctor hadn't said anything, and Aizawa already knew there was bad news. He saw the devastation in the doctor's eyes and the pained expression on his face. As he spoke, his voice was soft.

"Friends of Light Yagami?" He asked, and Aizawa may have spoken, or he may have simply nodded, he didn't know as his brain went at a million miles an hour. This was clearly bad news. Was Light in a coma? Did he need a blood transfusion, and they didn't have his blood type? He refused to think of the possibility that somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew was the truth. It had been easier to think of the potential in the land of possible outcomes, but not when he was so close to getting a definite answer.

"Who are you?" Matsuda asked wearily to the doctor, "Is Light okay?"

The doctor squeezed his eyes shut, and Aizawa wasn't sure if he was seeing things or not, but he could have sworn he saw a tear fall down the doctor's cheek.

"I am Dr. Amari. As you probably know, Light was gravely injured, and he lost a lot of blood. We had our entire team working on him, we put a tube in to breathe, we pumped his heart with CPR, we gave several drugs and the defibrillator to try to restart everything in his body...however all our attempts failed. I am so sorry, but your friend has died."

As that dreadful word left Dr. Amari's mouth, Aizawa's vision went black. He felt like he was in a dark hole, falling like he had been punched in the stomach. He felt like fainting. Maybe even sobbing, but he couldn't process it. It didn't make sense. This was Light.

No, surely he hadn't heard right, that they had really lost Light. That he had really... 

But then after a few moments, Dr. Amari spoke again, "I'm so sorry..." he too seemed almost like he was crying. "Do you want me to stay, or give you a moment?"

Aizawa rested his head in his hands, wondering if this was all just a nightmare, or perhaps Kira had killed him, and he was in Hell if that even existed. This couldn't possibly be happening. If this was true... then there was no making things right; there was no apologizing to Light about opening an old wound.

_No... no, this can't be real._

But it was. Aizawa didn't know how long after the revelation it was, but he found himself and the rest of the task force staring down at Light's body. He stared silently at Light's face, drifting to his closed eyes, those same soft cocoa eyes that would never open again.

...

Matsuda hadn't broken when the chief died, or when Sayu was traumatized to the point that retreating into a world of her own was how she coped. He hadn't let it phase him when the task force railed at him for being an idiot again and again.

_Again and again and again._

For years now, he had stayed strong, forcing on a smile even when that was nowhere near his true feelings. He could spend all night crying but come into work with a smile on his face. Not broken, just bent, dangerously close to snapping at times but not quite there.

But looking at what was right in front of him, he knew his sanity hadn't just broken. It had shattered into a hundred thousand pieces, and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Matsuda together again.

In life, Light had a ready smile and knowing eyes. In death, he was ghostly pale, his lips already bluish. Though his eyes were closed, he didn't have the appearance of sleep. Even in deep slumber, there were tiny movements and a healthy glow to the skin. This corpse was his flesh, but it was still so easy to see that the young man who used to live in this vessel had departed. He had left without saying goodbye, thinking nobody would miss him. Even if there was still a ventilator keeping his chest rising and falling, it was just to see about organ donation, nothing more. _Light_ wasn't in there anymore.

Maybe he thought nobody would miss him, but that just wasn't true. _Light, you're family to us, how could you have thought we wouldn't care that you're gone?_

In truth, Matsuda honestly saw Light like a brother, having been taken under the chief's wing, and Mr. Yagami was more present than Matsuda's own father as of late. The Yagamis were like family to him.

Just the idea of losing someone so close to him, and worst of all, telling Sachiko and Sayu and Misa about it made him sob even harder as he bent down and clung to Light as firm as he could. He didn't want to ever let this wonderful young man go, who didn't deserve anything that had happened to him. He should have tried to get to know him better... But now, he was dead. Hopelessly dead.

He stayed there for a while, choking out sobs. Even Aizawa was crying. Mogi was looking away, shaking his head, no doubt reminded of L or the chief. Ide was the only one with even the illusion of having it together, and he was looking away from this with his head down as he rested on the hospital room's couch. 

_Matsuda, you idiot. Matsuda, you bumbling oaf. Matsuda, you absolute clown, jester, joker. You buffoon of Shakespearean proportions, you mentally deficient Neanderthal, you IQ-less, good-for-nothing, moronic, dumb, idiotic, simple-minded halfwit dunce! You should have seen Light's suffering if he felt this bad! You call yourself a detective? This is pathetic, and did you even try CPR? You stood there uselessly and let him die._

"It should have been me," he whispered to the corpse, so soft nobody else would be able to hear, "Not you. Not the chief... I'm so sorry." 

It was true. Matsuda was the one who was supposed to get the Shinigami Eyes. He was the one who should have died at Mello's hand. If he had died, everything would be okay. There would be one less idiot on the task force, and the chief would have been there to support Light and stop him from doing this.

"Is there anything I could have said to make it stop hurting?" He asked as though Light would respond. "What else could I do?" He wiped roughly at the tear tracks making their way down his cheeks, biting his lip as he used his other hand as well to clasp Light's icy one.

An eternity passed, and yet no time at all. At some point, someone had called Sachiko, who asked for a moment alone with her son. The door closed, and her wails could be heard down the hall.

Matsuda felt Mogi pull him close, trying to calm him as he was still crying. And Mogi was the one who drove him back to headquarters since Ide had been the one to do it before. 

"It's my fault..." he rasped, and Mogi turned to look at him as they were at a traffic light.

"Matsuda... I promise you this wasn't your fault."

"If I had just gotten the eyes instead of the chief..."

"How do we know that would have changed anything?" Mogi suddenly snapped with more anger than Matsuda had ever heard from him, "We would have just lost _you_ instead! You're not the one who drove him over the edge!" Mogi looked back at the road, his broad shoulders shaking, and Matsuda blinked a few times.

"You didn't—"

"If I hadn't gone with Aizawa and shown doubt in him, he'd still be alive. At least you didn't suspect Light."

And that was a good point. Matsuda had to admit he felt a little angry about that, but he couldn't let Light's death tear them apart so they couldn't solve this case. They needed to work together and bring Kira to justice.

If Matsuda secretly found himself fantasizing about Kira killing Mello, no matter how strange that kind of thought was for him, nobody had to know. 

"Who's going to tell Near?" He decided to ask to distract Mogi from his own guilt. If any of them had known Light was so miserable that he saw suicide as the answer, Matsuda knew without any doubt things would have been different.

"Aizawa said he was going to call once he got back to headquarters," Mogi replied, shaking his head with a sigh, and Matsuda could tell he was done talking.

They sat in silence, and finally, Matsuda could get a feel for the amount of time which had gone by since he knew the drive from the coffee shop they just passed was a five-minute drive from headquarters. It was also a little past sunset now.

He looked up at the building with trepidation. Could he really bring himself to step in the place Light had killed himself in?

Well, he had to for work, but he already knew this wasn't going to be good.

_My fault, my fault, my fault. Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Mogi led him through the door, and they saw Aizawa was here, and the first thing that had been done was get a window open, some bottles of wine out, the bathroom door closed, and the couch stained with Light's blood was covered in a bedsheet. There was also a Febreze air freshener going, which was already giving Matsuda a headache, but it was either this or blood. He went into the liquor cabinet and grabbed something stronger than wine, drinking it straight from the bottle.

"Matsuda..." Ide said, and Matsuda pointed at him,

"I don't care." He sat on the desk chair, eager to forget all about today, and he still had hope this was just a nightmare. So either way, getting senselessly drunk seemed like a damn good idea. 

Aizawa called Near so they could all speak, "Near."

Near's response came a moment later, _"Mr. Aizawa? It's good to hear from you, I just didn't expect you to use this line. So what is it?"_

"Near..." Aizawa rasped, looking down at his feet, "I have important news for you regarding the case."

_"Yes, what is it? Is this about the second L?"_

"The second L, Light Yagami, is _dead_." His voice broke on the last word, carding his fingers slowly through his hair and scalp.

There was a pause throughout the entire room as someone finally said that awful word, and Matsuda's mind flashed back to the image of Light in the bathroom, and for a moment, he swore he saw Light walking into that bathroom, replaying what had happened hours ago. How had he not seen in Light's eyes like he did now what the intention had been? 

He took another long drink from the bottle. 

A beat, and then Near said, _"Allow me to offer you my sincerest condolences. If it isn't too much to ask, may I ask how he died? It may be pivotal to the investigation."_

"Suicide. Light slit his wrists in the bathroom when none of us were paying attention." Aizawa took a drink from his glass, wiping his eyes again, "Listen, someone that we have worked alongside for years died today, and killings have happened when he is dead or dying. It's become abundantly clear that Light is not Kira, so take that information and find a new suspect."

Near was silent for a moment before he finally spoke, _"I understand. You are all free to do as you'd like, be that to quit completely or take a leave to grieve, I will permit it. And, even though I suspect you do not wish this from me, I do want to share my deepest apologies. I never meant for something like this to happen."_

The task force members left, all giving varying degrees of an answer as to what they wanted to do. Matsuda stood up off the floor, only to stumble and momentarily see double. He felt warm arms around him. Mogi again.

"Mo'i?" He looked up, and Mogi sighed,

"Matsuda, you're drunk or at least tipsy. You're staying at my place tonight."

"Nah, 'm fine." But Mogi wasn't taking no for an answer and picked him up, carrying him to the car. Matsuda tried to squirm away because there was something important, but everything was somewhat fuzzy, so he couldn't put his finger on it. "Light..." yeah, something to do with him.

Mogi set him in the car, and Matsuda decided just to buckle, even if it took him a moment to succeed. And then he was crying because now he remembered that important thing made him really upset. Something happened to Light?

Eventually, though, he managed to cry himself to sleep, too emotionally drained to carry on anymore, and the last thing he heard before being completely out was Mogi's whisper,

"I can't lose you too..."

...

Near held some dice in his hand, stacking them, processing the new information. Light Yagami, the second L, was dead. The prime Kira suspect had killed himself.

The first thing he had done was make sure to make a few calls so he would get his hands on the autopsy report. But he still felt a sense of wrong.

From what he had gathered in his evidence collecting over the years, suicides by the Death Note were hanging by default, which was another factor in thinking Director Takimura's suicide was caused by Kira. 

It wasn't impossible that Light Yagami could have been killed by the Death Note, but without getting a look at the notebook in question, there was no way of knowing. And even then, how would this benefit Light in any way if he was Kira?

Up until now, he had been able to turn to the notes he had collected over the last five years, but what do you do when your suspect—the same suspect the original L had—commits suicide and in the process proves himself innocent?

He didn't have a Death Note on him, so he didn't know all the rules, so maybe there was a way Light had been Kira, but he somehow forgot, and the stress led him to off himself? Was there a way to resurrect the dead who were killed with the Death Note, and this was just Light trying to prove his innocence? Near hoped fervently that was the case because it meant he might be able to bring back L if he got his hands on the notebook.

But what if Light Yagami really wasn't Kira? Just an unfortunate soul who couldn't take the accusations anymore? What did he do then? Obviously, the answer, regardless, was starting back at square one.

This just didn't sit right with Near. Maybe he was more like L than he had thought—childish and hated to lose, as L called it—simply refusing to admit he had been wrong. Or perhaps this was guilt because no doubt the accusations had some factor in Light's suicide. 

Nevertheless, this didn't make sense, and he feared that this unforeseen death would make working with the task force—or more accurately getting information out of them—much harder.

_I don't understand what's going on._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there will be a Japanese phrase in here. I just feel the need to clarify what the meaning is, since Google Translate gets is wrong.
> 
> Goshuushou-sama desu - it's used to offer condolences. Exact translations differ depending on who you ask, but that's the meaning.

Blood. 

That was all Matsuda's senses would process for a good few moments, the red liquid everywhere in the bathroom.

There was blood everywhere.

In the center of it all was Light, sitting in that same position... watching the blood spilling from his wrists, as though he didn't understand the enormity of what he had done. His eyes were still open, even with the blood soaking the tile around him, getting even on the walls.

"Light!" Matsuda screamed, trying to reach his friend, get him to the hospital before it was too late, and tell him that he didn't need to do this. But even as he managed to break free of the restraints around him, his words drowned out as though he were underwater. No matter what he tried, be it screaming or trying to pull Light off the floor, nothing registered with the young man, whose eyes were slowly beginning to close.

Light smiled, but it was so sad that Matsuda was unsure whether he was imagining it being one or not. He whispered a final word, locking eyes with screaming and pleading Matsuda before his eyes closed forever.

_"Goodbye..."_

Panting, Matsuda jerked upright in bed, tears spilling down his face. He still remembered the blood, the blades, and the sight of Light's body. Everything about that day still existed, vividly, inside his mind, from the shower's sound to the pain in his heart, like somebody dug a trench through his chest. It was different every night, but the blood and Light's dying form were always the stars of the show. 

After a moment of clenching the chilled sheets and staring across the room at the sliver of sunlight spilling between his blinds and the wall, Matsuda finally took a shuddering breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He ventured a tentative look at the clock. Already four-thirty in the morning, but after tossing and turning all night, trying to shut off his mind, he wasn't sure he had gotten any sleep at all. Well, it didn't matter. On a typical day, he would have to be at work in two hours, but the task force had decided to take time off to grieve—they hadn't taken any time to cope when the chief died, and look where that led. Not even twenty days later, another among them had passed away.

Finally, he climbed out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom, cursing and tripping over the pile of clothes he'd left on the floor earlier, feeling stupid and clumsy.

He leaned against the counter, trying to psych himself up to take a shower. Messy raven hair fell around his face. The rest of him was like it had always been—a reasonably lean physique maintained by a mediocre workout routine, a typical height, but an attractive face.

But what he didn't recognize were his eyes. Naturally maple brown, Matsuda felt now that they had turned gray as steel, and his brows never lifted very high from them, a constant reminder of the misery slowly taking over.

Light…the bathroom…the blood… All of it swirled in Matsuda's mind until he didn't know if he could stand to have that dream even one more time, and yet that vivid memory haunted him to no end.

He had tried everything from drinking too much to taking over-the-counter sleeping pills to try to make it stop, but every night, he felt Light's death slowly chipping him apart. Dark circles under his eyes and pasty-looking skin were beginning to make themselves part of his appearance. He had tried to bring some humor to the situation and realized he was starting to look like L, but the reminder of the fate which had befallen the detective brought him even further pain.

He looked towards the shower, narrowing his eyes at it as though it was the root of all evil. It was irrational, he knew it was. But he had to use it, for the same reason he dreaded it. 

For today was Light's funeral.

 _Alright, you can do this,_ he encouraged himself, slowly stripping as nausea began to fill him. His bathroom didn't have the same layout as the one at headquarters, but he still felt the need to check the far wall every couple of seconds as though a body would suddenly appear.

The sound of the shower water hitting the porcelain changed once he entered, the soft pitter-patter against his flesh instead.

He wasn't halfway through washing his hair before he felt the burning need to recheck the bathroom, almost like a squeezing sensation in the back of his head. He opened the curtain, looking around the bathroom at what he couldn't see. No corpses, no blood. Satisfied for the moment, he finished rinsing the soap out before needing to check again.

Getting out of the shower and turning off the water, he suddenly felt waves of nausea, feeling the liquid under his feet, which for a moment, he had thought was blood.

Without warning, his body lurched, and he ended up vomiting into the toilet, grabbing the chilled sides in a death grip, trying to contain the sounds of his retching. 

He continued for about ten minutes, waiting for the retching to subside, for the lingering tremors to spread apart and fade, like ripples in a pool. 

Panting, he braced himself over the bowl, counting each breath. He focused on breathing—in through his nose, out through his mouth. Over and over. _Light can't do that anymore, now can he? It's because you were too stupid to save him._

He heaved again.

When it seemed like he was finally done, Matsuda eased from the toilet—but didn't go far. Just to the wall across the room, out of the wretched bathroom and to the cracked open window, where he could see the sky, so early in the morning that dawn hadn't even broken yet, where the early December breeze could caress his damp face. He leaned his head against the wall as he slowly slid down it, his knees giving out. _Real._

This was real. 

He curled his knees to his chest. _Real. Real._

He mouthed the words and kept mouthing them until he could loosen his grip on his legs and lift his head. Pain splintered through his hands—he had curled them into fists so tight his nails were close to puncturing his skin. As it was, little half-moons had formed.

Still feeling sick to his stomach, Matsuda found his way back to bed and lay down, exhausted, and dreading sleep.

 _Don't think about it,_ that's what Mogi had told him. Matsuda had tried hard to forget it, making his mind as empty as possible and keeping it that way, but pretending he hadn't been a blind fool was as good as pretending Light had never killed himself in the first place. This was reality, and he had to live with it.

It felt like a second later, Light's face was behind his eyelids, echoing through his memories again, startling him out of restless sleep, bright sunlight streaming through the windows and making it even harder to see.

A heavy-handed knock jolted him out of the lingering hold of sleep, and he looked toward the living room, dry-eyed and holding his breath as he fumbled around for his cell phone, lost in the bedding somewhere. He remembered, then, that he hadn't charged it last night. It must have died.

With the next knock, a stern voice called, "Matsuda! Open the damn door!"

Matsuda sat up stiffly. _Aizawa?_

He thought back to the last week, Aizawa had been acting really strange, and with how prickly Aizawa typically was, it wasn't a good idea to keep him waiting. Matsuda scrambled out of bed and rushed to unlock the front door.

Aizawa walked in, brown eyes lit with ferocity, a mix of annoyance and seriousness already wrinkling his forehead as he scanned the apartment and then staring right at him, sighing with what may have been either frustration or relief.

"What are you doing?" he asked before Matsuda could even stammer out a greeting. "I thought we were all going to meet up for lunch before the funeral. None of us had any messages saying you weren't going to make it."

Feeling his cheeks glow, Matsuda tried to find something to focus on besides Aizawa's frustrated face, "Sorry…"

"We tried calling. You didn't pick up."

"Yeah." Matsuda worked his fingers through his tangled hair. "I guess my phone died."

Incredulously, Aizawa arched an eyebrow. "You let your phone die?"

"I guess so."

Shaking his head like he barely knew what to make of that, Aizawa growled, "And what? I thought you..."

"No." Matsuda forced a smile, knowing how fake it must look. "I'm fine. Just overslept." But he knew that was a poor excuse. All of them were coping differently, and while Matsuda needed to check the bathrooms, Aizawa felt the need to make sure he knew where everyone on the task force was at all-times—not out of a lack of trust, but instead he didn't want to any more deaths.

Aizawa stared at him a few moments, stern expression slowly giving into concern. "Look, Matsuda… If you don't think you're up for going, you don't have to."

Didn't that sound nice? Crawl into bed, and just hide? Maybe if he didn't go to the funeral, then Light's death didn't happen.

No... the funeral would still happen. Maybe it would be good if he went. He knew that even though he didn't want to attend, he would never forgive himself if he didn't go and say final goodbyes.

"No, I have to go," Matsuda told him to get him off his back. "Anyway, see you at the funeral."

Aizawa checked his watch. "I'm going to be picking up Misa. If you want, you can just catch a ride with me." 

Matsuda frowned, because why could Aizawa possibly be offering to drive everyone? "Oh… No, that's all right. You don't have to."

"I'm going to," he answered in his commanding 'I'm Aizawa, and I do what I want' tone. "Hey," His footsteps drew closer to him. "You sure you're okay?"

Matsuda whipped around, growling, "I already told you I'm fine. What language do I have to say it in?"

His eyes widened with shock, mouth dropping open.

"Sorry," Matsuda murmured immediately, sure Aizawa would tear him a new one.

Instead, Aizawa sighed, "Alright, Matsuda. Just…" And then he stood back and scanned the apartment with a disapproving and concerned air.

Reluctantly, Matsuda looked too, realizing for the first time what a mess it was. He didn't have a single clean towel in the closet, all of which used to clean up either sweat or vomit, dirty laundry overflowed from the basket in the corner. The sheets were torn up or thrown about from various nightmares. Dirty dishes cluttered the counters, and open cabinets revealed that he was almost entirely out of food. However, empty beer bottles seemed to have invaded every available space. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure he had gas in the car to drive himself to the funeral.

Embarrassed, he glanced at Aizawa. In the past, neatness had been one of the few qualities he'd taken pride in, but now it looked like he didn't care at all how his apartment looked, and Aizawa wouldn't have missed that. Snapping at him for expressing concern couldn't have helped.

Letting Aizawa give him a ride, though, might make him feel better. Aizawa believed deeply in his personal power to help others. If he thought Matsuda was unstable, especially after what had happened to Light, he'd be amped up about fixing it.

"Okay," Matsuda said suddenly. "I guess it doesn't make sense for me to drive."

At that, Aizawa's expression lightened some, "Come on, then, let's go."

As they cruised through the early afternoon traffic, Matsuda glanced down at his suit, which hadn't been touched in a while, so it wasn't a rumpled disaster, but that made the situation all the more real. His hair was still damp from the shower, and his stomach roared.

Aizawa muttered as he drove, and occasionally shouted obscenities. Tokyo traffic usually annoyed him, and he'd always been impatient, but in the last week, he'd gotten worse.

Then again, what hadn't gotten worse?

He noticed Aizawa looking at him from the corner of his eye whenever they stopped at a traffic light, so he pulled his jacket around himself.

"You didn't eat," he said suddenly.

"There wasn't any time."

"It looked like there wasn't any food, Matsuda."

"I haven't been to the store in a while, I guess." Matsuda leaned against his fist and closed his eyes, feeling dead tired. He told himself he should never have let Aizawa in. He should have ignored him, rolled over, and gone back to sleep.

"Well?"

Surprised, Matsuda turned to him. "What do you want me to say to that?"

"Look." Unexpectedly, he whipped out of the traffic to park outside a small café, killing the engine and turning in his seat to face him. "If you need help, you can say so."

Matsuda's expression was completely blank as he tried to register what was being said. He forced a small scoff, "Help? I don't need help, it's not like I'm depressed. It's been a week, I guess, with it being so soon after the chief..."

What did he have to be depressed about? Light and the chief were gone, yes, and Matsuda should have seen something. And he had been the one to find Light's body. Light had been a dear friend. Still, depressed was such a strong word.

_"Since that moment, I've been unable to live with what I've done. I've even thought of killing myself. I'll use the notebook to kill any criminals who try to stop us. And then, after 13 days, I'll die as well."_

The chief's words rang in Matsuda's ears. He remembered how they had kept him up. He hadn't thought someone like Mr. Yagami could have suicidal thoughts. 

Why hadn't he thought about the idea Light could feel the same way—after all, father and son were very similar, both incredible people with a strong sense of justice, so could they both have reached their limits?

He fought back the whimper, trying to force its way out, "Can we not talk about it? Please?"

"Matsuda, you can't just pretend everything is normal."

"I'm not. It's just that I don't need any help." He unbuckled his seatbelt. "Are we eating here, or did you pull over just to lecture me?"

He knew Aizawa hated to have his best efforts rebuffed—he expected people to listen the first time and not ask questions—but he wasn't stupid enough to push either. 

They went into the café and had a quiet lunch before continuing on their way to Misa's apartment. Matsuda simply picked at his food absently, and he could feel Aizawa's concerned stare. He knew he couldn't say he wasn't hungry because that lie was so transparent he might as well just admit that he was starving, but the idea of eating was repulsive.

He ended up just picking at the food absently, knowing full well that he wasn't fooling Aizawa, who had been watching him intently. He looked up,

"Sorry... I just don't have much appetite." A wordless nod was all the response he got, and Aizawa paid before they left. Both of them wanted to talk about the elephant in the room—or car, Matsuda supposed—but was there really one? This wasn't something they were simply choosing not to talk about. How do you even talk about how you are headed to the funeral for your youngest coworker and close friend after his suicide, which you were both in a way responsible for?

So they sat in uncomfortable silence until they got to the apartment complex. Matsuda's legs felt like jello, and he practically fell over while walking up the stairs. He had to lean on the railing to make himself go up the stairs.

The path to that familiar door was so close yet so far at the same time. Time may as well have slowed with how it felt an eternity passed with each step.

He came up to the door, his breath hitching as he slowly moved to knock, his mind already imagining Light opening the door. Why had he gotten out of bed again? He could have stayed at home and pretended everything was okay, and none of this had happened.

There was no response.

Fear clutched his heart, especially when he realized the door was unlocked. No... No this couldn't be happening... he felt his breath quicken to the point of almost hyperventilating, but Aizawa grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to make eye contact.

"Matsuda, we don't know anything for sure, but we need to go in there to pick her up. She could just be getting ready."

"Oh... right." He opened the door, walking into the apartment, which looked just the same as when Light had been alive—and why wouldn't it? The only room Light was in regularly was the office, which they hadn't used since getting a new headquarters. That didn't change the fact it still created the illusion of nothing being wrong. 

The first place they both decided to look was the bedroom, and Matsuda exhaled a sigh of relief at what he saw.

"Misa..."

Misa was sitting at the vanity in her room, absently running a brush through her long blonde locks. She wore a tight yet modest black kimono dress and black, opaque, nylon stockings, as well as flat black shoes. Her muted makeup was done to perfection—no doubt she had waterproof mascara—but she wasn't wearing her blue contacts. 

Matsuda thought about commenting on the fact she looked lovely, but figured it unwise, given the circumstance, "Misa..." he noticed Aizawa was examining the bedroom from where he too stood in the doorway, as though one more look would give him the answers they all craved. "It's time to go."

Misa didn't bother to look away from the mirror, brushing her hair absently, "I don't want to go," she forced out, her words soft and voice thick with unshed tears.

Matsuda sighed, taking a flask out of his jacket pocket and approaching her once he had taken a drink from it, offering her a little, which she took gratefully, "Why don't you want to go?"

"Because if I go..." she still didn't turn to face him, "That'll mean that Light's really not coming back, and I don't think I can handle that." Matsuda tried to put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, but she flinched, "Why didn't you save him?"

Those words stabbed a knife into Matsuda's stomach, twisting mercilessly as the image of Light on the bathroom floor flashed into his mind, even though his eyes were wide open, that was all he could see until he blinked.

He sighed, "I tried."

"But you didn't." She finally looked up at him, her eyes alight with rage, "If you had, we wouldn't be talking right now, now would we?"

"Enough," Aizawa growled, "Misa, we should go. It's not Matsuda's fault that this happened. Are we going to go?"

There was quiet among them, nobody knowing what to say. In truth, Matsuda and Aizawa were told that Light had been too far gone before anyone would even consider him to have been in the bathroom too long. This brought Matsuda no comfort, but it would shut Misa up if either of them could get the words out or accept that.

Misa just sighed, tying up her hair into the customary bun and forcing herself to get up and walking out the door, standing tall. Regardless of her grief, she managed to look far more elegant than usual. She walked ahead of him, and Aizawa held Matsuda back a little bit,

"It's not your fault," he assured, "She's just upset." 

"No." He hugged himself, "She's right. Come on, we don't want to be late." He hurried to the car, and Aizawa drove out to the Yagami family's new home a bit more off the grid, where they had moved for the safety of the family during the case. This was where the funeral was to be held, which wasn't customary, but Sachiko hadn't been able to cope with making formal arrangements. There had been a search for if Light had written down his own wishes, but it seemed he had been under the impression he would be left in an unmarked grave, accused of a crime he didn't commit. So this way, he would be close to his family. 

Funerals in Japan often involved cremation, but Sachiko had not wanted to burn her child's body away so soon after her husband had been cremated in California for travel purposes.

Matsuda wondered if Light would have wanted to be buried next to Ryuzaki, but Light couldn't answer that, and any questions about his feelings regarding the detective had been quickly shot down.

He quickly realized they had gotten there a little inappropriately early, as they saw Sachiko sobbing over the open coffin. Sayu was sitting in one of the placed seats already, but her eyes remained empty. Did she even know what was happening? It was common knowledge she had lost tabs with reality after her kidnapping, but was she aware she was about to see her older brother buried? 

Cautiously, he walked over to the coffin, recoiling as he laid eyes on Light again. It was clear the body had been embalmed, so there was no decay. And yet, it was so easy to tell he was dead. Everything that made the body before him Light was gone. 

"Goshuushou-sama desu," he whispered softly, and Sachiko looked up at him, not meeting his gaze, her eyes locked on Light.

"I'm glad you could make it."

"I'm sorry for being early." 

"It's alright. I'm glad you're here." She stood up shakily, weeping, "I had to say goodbye to him one more time. Why—Why did this happen?"

All Matsuda could do was shake his head, walking to the tray to put down the Okoden with 25,000 yen. 

He sat down next to Sayu, "Hey, Sayu." No response. Matsuda looked and saw Misa and Sachiko were talking. He noticed the car and that the rest of the task force had arrived, and he got up, morbidly relieved Sayu didn't seem to be aware of what was happening.

He got up, greeting Mogi and Ide, and they all got to their seat in the second row as the first was for the family. Matsuda listened to the ceremony, but then his eyes rested on the red roses on top of the coffin.

Red. 

Like droplets of blood, gathered together in the illusion of something beautiful, but actually not right at all.

He noticed Ide squeeze his shoulder a little bit, brows narrowed slightly. Matsuda's heartbeat was so fast, too fast.

He was going to vomit.

The fading sun was too hot, even though it was concealed behind trees and overpowered by the chilled late autumn air. As inescapable as the reality of the fact his friend may have been murdered, he left behind Matsuda's broken and weary soul. His stomach was clenching and twisting now, his body shaking with building force, trying to keep the sobs in and— 

If he ran away, it would be inconsiderate and wrong, but he couldn't stay here, _couldn't, couldn't, couldn't—_

He was going to fall apart, right there, right then—and they'd see precisely how ruined he was. 

_Help me, help me, help me,_ he begged someone, anyone. Begged for Aizawa, who had turned and had a look of concern on his face. Pleaded Light to rise from the coffin and prove that they had all been wrong, face serene, and lovely as always. _Save me—please, save me. Get me out. End this._

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he gasped quietly. His vision was blurred, and he just let this person subtly lead him away, his feet struggling to take steps until he was seated on a bench a reasonable distance away from the funeral.

"Hey, just breathe, okay? Focus on your senses." Matsuda just whimpered in response, behind his eyes seeing that scene and Light's body and all the red staining the ground and the walls, and the shower's noise and—

"I—I—"

The stranger bent down with him, "What do you need? I have water in my car." Matsuda pulled his knees up to his chest, crying even harder, not noticing this new person run off and come back with a bottle of water, giving it to him, "Here. Take deep breaths, okay? I'll count up."

If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.

His breathing just grew faster. 40 seconds—counting up— _no, no, no, no, no!_

40 seconds killed Ukita, it killed Watari, and it killed L. 

Maybe the newcomer only planned to count to 10, but all Matsuda could think was the dreadful number 40. It had taken so much from them, and in the darkest pits of his mind, Matsuda wondered if 40 seconds had taken Light from them.

He was given the bottle of water, and he forced himself to take slow sips. He couldn't be gone from the funeral for long. Deep breaths, in and out, don't think about red or counting.

After a few minutes, he was still in turmoil, but he could clearly see his rescuer, who he was surprised to not recognize. He seemed familiar, but from where? He appeared to be Light's age, if not a little younger. For a moment, Matsuda found himself staring at the individual's dark red hair. Not like blood, that couldn't be... still even the color made his breath catch in his throat.

"Are you back with us?" The stranger asked, holding out his hand with a small smile, "I'm... Matt." He slumped a bit after the handshake, looking back through the woods in the direction of where the funeral was still going on. "I'm so sorry for your loss." Matsuda looked absently at the grass,

"Thank you. How did you know Light?" Matt shrugged, 

"Just... Just from around. You know?" 

They sat silently, Matsuda trading out the water for a sip from the flask, before remembering that wasn't proper and returning to the water. He eyed Matt from time to time. Why would this stranger help him?

"Have we met somewhere?" Matt jolted a little as though he had been startled from his thoughts, shaking his head.

"No, I don't think so." He stood up, "Well, anyway... My condolences and my friend wanted to give them too, but he couldn't make it. We should probably head back now before people start to miss you." He helped Matsuda up, giving him a moment to wipe his tears away.

"Thanks," Matsuda rasped, "I needed to get out of there." He looked towards the funeral, thinking about facing the rest of the task force with the fact he couldn't even sit through a funeral. What was wrong with him? He had been able to sit through the chief's, and he had also seen the chief die. Why was Light's death tearing him apart, and he had been able to tough out the end of the man who had taken him under his wing? 

He thought back to the chief, using the last of his strength to confirm that Light wasn't Kira. Matsuda clenched his fists, knowing that while he couldn't let his own feelings distract from the case, but he knew as rage bubbled up that Light would still be alive if everyone had just _listened_.

Why would Light have opened up to them, if six years of working tirelessly together and even becoming friends could be thrown out the window with a couple words from Near? The worst part was that looking back, Matsuda couldn't think of a single time Light appeared surprised by this turn of events.

Dully, he realized Matt had helped him sit back down, and the ceremony was about to end. Only the task force had noticed, as Matsuda had been sitting on the side, which would be easy to get away with slipping out of.

What would the chief think? The idea that Light had been so alone and had probably expected to be betrayed, and he took his own life, unable to cope with it anymore.

It was morbidly nice to let himself believe that Kira had killed Light, but there were so many things that didn't add up with that theory, and he couldn't blame Kira for every tragedy to befall them—death was still a natural part of life. 

He couldn't pin this one on Kira directly, and even if he could, what would that change? 

Light was gone, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

OoOoO

After the ceremony and the burial, Sachiko sat in her kitchen, trying to not think about the events of the last month. It was late evening, the sun had already set, but it wasn't fully dark out yet, so the sky was a dark pink, orange, and purple mixed together. She sat alone, as Sayu was sleeping, to her knowledge blissfully unaware of what had happened.

A frown settled on her face as she held a hot cup of tea to calm her nerves. She raised the cup to her lips, and her hands shook as she placed the cup back down on the table. She repeated this action many times, overwhelmed by the memories of seeing her precious son one last time as they closed the lid of his coffin. It wasn't supposed to end this way!

Sachiko wasn't aware she held her cup of tea until she heard a loud crash and discovered she had dropped it on the table, and the glass shattered everywhere, the tea was now just a puddle on her table, dripping down onto the floor. Sachiko heard a dark voice say inside of her, _"The tea spilled just as his blood did. And you weren't even aware of his pain."_ She kept hearing Light's sweet honey voice say that in such a dull and bitter way. 

Absently, she found herself looking at old photos to learn the moment she had lost her son. His usually cheerful and hopeful eyes must have lost their shine at some point, and she hadn't seen it.

When did Light start feeling like that? 

How long has Light felt like dying was better than the life he was leading? Light had been happy and had achieved everything he had always wanted, right? 

Was it really Light?

Sachiko pushed those thoughts away. Yet the last one had gotten to her the most. It was ridiculous, but still...

That body she had seen in the hospital, so broken and depressed and _dead_ , wasn't her Light. No. That wasn't her Light.

Her Light always had a bright, cheerful smile. 

He gleefully showed his mother his straight A's on his report cards and would be ecstatic for days on end. 

He would laugh innocently whenever Sayu got angry at her TV dramas. 

Light would help out his mother with the groceries and would try his best at cooking with her, but he could never figure out just how to make the flavor of the food taste just like hers. 

Light would help her reprimand his father for working late and not eating well during the late dinners when Soichiro actually would come home.

That was her Light.

He was right.

Light was always right.

Sachiko didn't care.

She didn't care enough. She didn't care enough to see through her son's pain. She didn't care enough to actually look him in the eyes when he wanted her—not just her. Someone. _Anyone_. Just look him in the eyes and tell him they know.

That they could see his pain. His struggle. His unhappiness. His silent pleas and cries for help.

Looking back at it, Sachiko could see all of that now. Her Light. He never existed. All those memories weren't real. None of them were. A choked sob escaped her lips.

Everything was just a facade that Light made to protect his now broken family. How could she be so blind? Looking back, there had been so many times he hadn't even hidden behind a false smile. He had been so upset, and it was clear, yet nobody saw it, or if they did, nobody cared to ask. 

And then he had finally given up, and now he was gone.

"I'm sorry, Light," she sobbed, running the tip of her fingers down a family photo. He was smiling, but she couldn't tell if that was real or just trying to hide his pain. She wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock and assure him that she knew he was having a hard time, and she was going to help him get through this rough patch. 

What could she have done differently? Had he really never been happy? She had seen that note, saying the reasons went on for years. How many years? How long had she been oblivious or even just ignoring his pain to keep her mental picture of having a perfect family?

She couldn't stop herself, walking out to Light's grave, where countless flowers had been placed. So many people had attended when the news got out that he was gone. But only herself, Misa, and the task force knew what really happened. From what she had gathered, because he was an officer, it was accepted he had been killed in the line of duty.

Perhaps she could delude herself into thinking the same thing and direct all of her conflicted emotions, especially her anger, at that vile man, Mello, who had killed her beloved husband. She was sure he was also responsible for the tragic fate of her son.

"You were so loved, baby," she whispered to the tombstone as though it actually was Light, "I'm so sorry that you couldn't see that." 

OoOoO

Matsuda didn't know when the rain had started, but looking up from his drink, he couldn't help but pay attention to it. The percussion of the given water varied according to the surface it landed on. There were the drums that were windows, the cymbals that were the concrete floor, and the soft, soft maracas that were the grass.

At least, that was what he used to think of rain as. How cliché was it, that the day of a funeral it had begun to rain. It had been gracious and waited until afterward, but the point still stood.

Nobody on the task force could go home yet, due to traditions and customs. The belief was that spirits that dwell in the cemetery tended to follow you out, and you should lead them astray lest they follow you home. And after working six years on a case with Shinigami and magic notebooks, nobody wanted to even risk that, so they were waiting for a little while to go home.

They had probably all been here long enough, but Matsuda had already had a little too much to drink, and the rest of the group had no plans of leaving him to his own devices. He wanted to escape this place, which he could only associate with Light's death, but he also didn't want to be taken to someone else's residence. 

The television was on, and it had apparently been decided that the task force was going to see what was replacing Kira's Kingdom since there had been an announcement the first appearance of the new spokesperson would be today. But Matsuda could care less, taking another sip of scotch, swatting away Mogi, who was trying to take the recently refilled away from him. 

Aizawa tensed, gasping quietly at the new spokesperson, "Guys, look at this. Kiyomi Takada..." Ide looked from where he had been staring out the window,

"Yeah, so?

"She was a girl Light dated back in college. I even saw her at the funeral earlier."

...

Aizawa looked towards Matsuda, hoping for maybe a reaction of surprise or perhaps envy towards Light's abilities with women. But there was no response other than an absent hum, pretending he was paying attention. This would generally be behavior that made someone call him an idiot. However, with what had happened to put Matsuda in this state, nobody had any plans of even risking Matsuda flying apart. Aizawa just elaborated on his thoughts instead of waiting for Matsuda to say something,

"Light's death might be the opening we need to talk to her."

"Stop it..." Matsuda whispered, but it was so quiet, practically an exhale, that nobody heard him as Mogi nodded a little,

"But how would we even go about Light's death helping us catch Kira?"

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, _damnit_!" They all lurched at Matsuda uncharacteristic somewhat high pitched scream, and he looked to them all, tears spilling down his cheeks and fury in his eyes as he pointed at each and every one of them, "We were just at Light's _funeral_ , for God's sakes! Can we at least have this day in peace without the case coming up, is that too much to ask?!"

He got up and stormed out of the room, not bothering to grab his jacket as he went to leave, content to walk home if he had to. Everyone jumped up, knowing that someone who had been drinking and was not in a good state of mind should not be wandered the streets at night alone in the rain, no matter how much the crime rate had dropped. 

Aizawa felt a sick twisting in his stomach overwhelm him, and he was the first person to catch up with Matsuda, also grabbing an umbrella as he left and racing down the stairs.

"Matsuda!" He called, and Matsuda paused, already decently soaked and trembling, whether from cold or memories, it was difficult to tell. "You shouldn't be out here, I'll drive you home, or someone else can." Matsuda slumped his shoulders, and Aizawa cautiously took a step forward with a hand out to show he meant no harm, "Matsuda..."

As soon as his hand made contact with Matsuda's shoulder, the younger officer jerked back as though he had been burnt,

"What is with you?!" He snarled viciously, "Trying to be there all the time and say that everything's okay and comfort us and pretend that everything's fine and it didn't happen! Well," he laughed a little, but there was no humor to be found, his body language suggesting rampaging emotions and a couple drinks had left him hysterical, "If you care so much, why weren't you there for Light?! If you hadn't been so suspicious and insensitive, _Light would still be here!_ "

Aizawa flinched, and Matsuda recoiled, seeing that his words had hit a lot deeper than they probably were intended to, "Ai...Aizawa, I—"

He just held up a hand, and a bitter smile made its way onto his face, "I deserve that. You're right, after all."

He could try to blame those other reasons in the letter, and he still wanted to know every fact, every detail, to see everything Light saw because he didn't have the one thing he wanted—the _why_. But none of that changed the fact that he had thrown away years of trust and maybe even some semblance of friendship, and had been the final straw that caused Light to do the deed.

Matsuda backed up slowly, "Sorry, I shouldn't have—I just—" he shook his head and took off.

"Matsuda!" He could barely get a few steps in before Matsuda's figure vanished into the rain. All he could do was sigh and head back to headquarters to grab the others to help look for him. They could cover more ground that way. 

But when he got back to headquarters, he found Mogi and Ide were staring intently at him. He frowned, "What are you two looking at? Matsuda ran off, and we should go find him before he does something stupid." Yeah... better to pretend Matsuda would just do something foolish but reversible, not...

"Aizawa," Ide said firmly, "Mogi and I think it's time we talked. You've been so busy with Matsuda and keeping us together that nobody has been focusing on you. Are _you_ okay?"

Aizawa scoffed, looking up at them from where he had been putting on his jacket, dead serious and bitter, "Yeah, sure, why not?" he snapped, "We can have another funeral tomorrow—I mean, all the dishes are out, and we pretty much know who to invite."

"Aizawa—" Mogi tried, but Aizawa cut him off,

"I cannot handle _anything_ right now, and I certainly cannot take losing any more of you." He took a deep breath, looking down at his hands, practically seeing the blood on them. Light's blood. Matsuda's words rang in his ears, the idea he might as well have been the one holding those blades and slicing through Light's wrists. "I can't. I can't have this conversation. I'm going to look for Matsuda again, I shouldn't have left him out there."

"Aizawa," he looked down and saw Ide had grabbed his hand, "Your health is important too. I'll go look for Matsuda."

"It doesn't matter!" He snarled, pulling himself out of Ide's grip and startling everyone, "I was fine when Ukita died, and when Ryuzaki and the chief died too! All I have to do is keep taking steps forward and not look too far ahead, and everything will go back to normal."

"And what do you think is going to happen if you just ignore what happened?" It was Mogi who asked, and Aizawa sent him a glare, before sighing in defeat,

"I don't know. But I _do_ know that we can't let Kira run free any longer, so no matter what we think or feel, I am going to figure out what happened to Light to make him do this, and we are going to catch Kira." 

Mogi's brow furrowed, "Find out what made Light act this way?"

"It doesn't matter. For the last time, I am going to go find Matsuda." He went to leave, but both of his friends followed him, 

"We'll all look together." Ide offered, and Aizawa forced a smile, all of them grabbing umbrellas and heading down the stairs and to the parking lot, knowing the route Matsuda would most likely take back to the apartment. If luck was on their side, he would already be well on his way home by now, and be there, safe and sound, when they arrived. 

After a moment of silently walking down the stairs, Ide spoke again,

"Aizawa, I know you have wanted to look through the letter and figure out what reasons Light may have for... but I've been thinking. I know it sounds like something Matsuda would say, and like I still refuse to believe it, but what if Light didn't kill himself—well, he did, but what if there was more at play?"

This had come up very briefly in passing multiple times, but none of them had let themselves indulge in the possibility they were not to blame. Aizawa looked down at the puddles, thinking over the letter again. He supposed that if Light really had been upset, Kira could have simply taken advantage of the situation and controlled him to end himself. His thoughts began to wander on the idea.

_The last time we had a Shinigami in headquarters who worked with Kira, Ryuzaki and Watari died. Wouldn't it make sense for the second time to be Light and the chief?_

He shook himself, "But if it was Kira, why bother with a suicide instead of a heart attack. And do we know for sure that Kira would even have the power to make someone write a note the way Light did?"

"Killing Ryuzaki the way he did," Mogi crossed his arms as they walked to their cars, all getting in one, "Was probably to scare us, but clearly, that didn't work, so this could be another way Kira is trying to tear us apart. We do know Kira can control people's actions before they die, and has anyone seen Ryuk around since Light's death? Just like Rem vanished after Ryuzaki died, except none of that sand stuff."

That was a good point, but it was just too convenient. They couldn't blame everything on Kira. He supposed that once they captured the murderer, they could look through his Death Note. If they found Light's name, then there was the answer, but if they didn't, that would just be getting their hopes up for nothing as a way to deny their own guilt.

Mogi drove while Aizawa and Ide looked through the windows in hopes of seeing anything. The first course of action was to go to Matsuda's apartment to see if he was already there. If he wasn't, they would need to take further action.

He sighed, glad he had already told Eriko to not expect him home tonight. Just the idea of putting himself in Sachiko's shoes was unimaginable. While he wanted to go home and make sure his family was okay, he wasn't sure he would be able to take it, seeing his family so happy but knowing he had played a part in tearing apart another.

Maybe his way of coping wasn't healthy, but he had to know Matsuda was home safe. But every time he asked everyone where they were, waiting impatiently for any response, he was reminded of how he had told Light of surveillance, and then the next time he saw Light was his corpse.

Fear, so much fear, that he might be too controlling and lose the others also. But he tried to calm himself. Mogi and Ide would never—

He had thought the same about Light. And now, with Matsuda... 

Over the years, he had gotten so used to Matsuda being the voice of optimism for the group, even in the most trying time. He wasn't sure how to compensate for it, or how to shake him out of the haze he had ended up in. 

Of course, it had only been a week, and he knew to say they all needed to hurry up and move along was both irrational and hypocritical, having not had a decent night sleep since he had heard the announcement of Light's death.

That didn't change the fact he was hoping Matsuda would snap back to his usual self soon. New, moody Matsuda freaked him out too much. Light hadn't shown any visible signs—his death had been such a shock that it had practically come out of nowhere—but this was not the case with Matsuda.

He could be overthinking things, and Matsuda just needed time to cope with the death of the chief and Light, but that didn't change the dread as he finally made it to Matsuda's apartment, banging on the door for the second time that day.

Like earlier, Matsuda answered the door, except this time he was soaked to the bone and shivering, his clothing still dripping.

"Oh—H-Hey," he trembled, looking out at the rain, "What are you doing here?"

"We came to make sure you got home safely," Mogi said, and Matsuda sighed, gesturing for them to come in, and took off his shirt, changing into something dry.

"I already know none of you plan to leave," he said, "Do you want some coffee? Please, take a seat."

Awkwardly, they all sat, and Matsuda went about changing into something dry, and then started making coffee. Aizawa watched Matsuda's movements and quickly realized he was just trying to keep his hands busy.

And then more silence as they all drank coffee. It was undoubtedly better than Matsuda drinking alcohol, and it was curious that he was coherent with how much he had drunk. Maybe the rain had sobered him up? He did still look like he needed sleep. 

"I'm sorry, Aizawa," Matsuda whispered, "I didn't mean it. It's just all so unfair. I shouldn't have taken my stress out on you."

Aizawa looked down at the coffee. Maybe he would have yelled or gotten mad if it had been any other day, but today was just not the day for that, so he just nodded, "I didn't take it to heart or anything, I figured it was the scotch talking." He decided it would be best not to ever let anyone knew he had, in fact, taken it to heart, purely because Matsuda had been stating harsh facts.

He noticed Matsuda beginning to shake, not from the cold, and he began to cry again, "I—I miss him so much." Aizawa sighed, pulling Matsuda close and staying like that, hoping to bring him comfort. Despite himself, he felt tears falling down his own cheeks,

"I know. Me too." He took a shaky breath, running his hands through Matsuda's wet hair.

Ide smiled a little in their direction, "I was wondering when you were going to let go."

Aizawa just shook his head, "I'm not. There's no need. I'm fine." 

_I just—I need to... stay strong. Keep it together for the rest of you guys. And then I can put my energy into trying to finish the Kira case—this nightmare of an investigation that has taken too much away. Only one of us can break down at a time; otherwise, we'll all be useless._

They couldn't fall apart. Kira needed to see justice. That was what both Light and Soichiro would want—they wouldn't want their deaths to prevent Kira from being caught.

But they could spare tonight. It was late, and there was nothing to be done tonight. It wasn't like they could call Takada at this hour. So they needed to stay together and have each other's backs.

"Please don't leave," Matsuda cried, "I can't be alone tonight."

Everyone looked to each other, and Mogi grabbed some blankets off the bed, draping one around Matsuda, "Of course, Matsuda. We'll stay with you."


	3. Chapter 3

Near carefully examined the autopsy report for Light Yagami and was more than shocked with what he had discovered. The records he'd found about the young man didn't suggest anything that was found here.

The cause of death, to his somewhat surprise, was exsanguination and not a last-minute heart attack. If Yagami had died from that, it would have been easier to pin on Kira.

However, what he had not expected to find in the report was mention of scars along Yagami's thighs and biceps, which were very clean and more than likely self-made. But what was most shocking, and in no circumstance had he anticipated discovering, was traces of Rohypnol—meaning it had been ingested recently before death, as in within three days prior—in Yagami's system either.

He wasn't sure if it was from actual concern or just curiosity, but he called the task force since he had sent them a copy of the autopsy report too.

As he waited for someone to pick up, he found himself to thinking back to not long ago. _"If we're wrong, all it'll cost is an apology."_

Only it hadn't. It had costed someone's life. Of course, there was no way Near could have known this, and he was only doing his job. However, it still felt sickening to be partially responsible for an apparent innocent's death.

Nevertheless, he still found it rude of Yagami to decide to check out before solving the case—but he held nothing against him for it. Near wondered if he would have been able to work this case if he was the one being thrown under suspicion a second time.

That said, why would Officer Light Yagami have Rohypnol in his system? Scratch that, when could he have ingested the stuff?

He perked up when he heard Aizawa on the other end, _"Near, what is it?"_

"Have you received your copy of Light Yagami's autopsy report?"

_"We have, but we haven't opened it. We already know what killed Light."_

"Yes, but did you know about the drugs found in his system?"

_"Wait, what?"_

...

Aizawa froze, tearing open the envelope and gaping at the drug which had, sure enough, come up in Light's report. What the hell was Rohypnol doing in Light's—

His mind stopped its train of thought because if this had still shown up in Light's autopsy, did that mean he was under the influence of the drug when he killed himself? Was it possible he really hadn't been entirely in control of himself?

But Rohypnol was a... well, there were multiple uses, but the first thing the average cop thought of was a date-rape drug. When would Light have possibly gotten this stuff in his system _recently_ before his death? To Aizawa's knowledge, Light only went between headquarters and home; therefore, the only person who could have given it to him was someone among the task force and—

His eyes widened, flashing back to a private conversation he had had with Light, just the two of them, a week after the chief died, and before...

November 18th

"Your wife hits you."

Aizawa had been caught off guard from where he had been working. Both he and Light had decided to work overtime tonight in an attempt to distract themselves, and it was a little past midnight, both of them on their third cup of coffee—meaning they would be more than likely sleeping here overnight. 

Light's eyes were staring intently at him as though gazing straight through him. Aizawa had no idea how to respond. Had he been having a harder time hiding it as of late than he had thought? But judging by Light's expression, he had known for a while and was just now deciding to say anything. 

"What makes you say that?" He asked regardless, and Light turned fully in his desk chair, crossing his arms.

"Five years ago, you mentioned a bandage on your head was from a fight with your wife. I assumed by the fact nobody was concerned by it that this was a one-time thing. However, especially as of late, the longer we pull late nights, there are bandages and bruises on your arms—I notice them sometimes when your sleeves ride up. For a while, I didn't know for sure, but now I do." Aizawa hummed a little,

"And how do you know anything now?"

To his surprise, Light got up and sat down next to him on the couch, beginning to unbutton Aizawa's shirt regardless of the loud objections otherwise, revealing bandages and binding around his ribs.

"This is how I know."

"That was from the explosion! We all got banged up from that!" Aizawa protested, but he could tell by the no-nonsense look on Light's face that he had been caught.

"See, I would be inclined to believe that if you hadn't been more preferring your right side today, and looking here, the bruises are fresher than the ones received during the explosion." He bowed his head, "Aizawa, we've been working together for years, and I like to think we're friends. I'm just worried about your safety and what might happen to you."

It was apparent Light knew, and he had no idea what to do since lying would be painfully obvious, so he just slumped in defeat, going to button up his shirt, but Light stopped him,

"Those bindings are too tight. I'll get some ice, you take those off and lay down."

"I'm not a child, Light,"

"But you are injured." Light's expression was soft yet firm, not unlike his father. Aizawa sighed, obeying as Light got up. He distinctly remembered having a similar conversation with the chief, except with Soichiro, he had been able to convince him that things were not too bad.

Light came back with a large ice pack that was wrapped in a pillowcase. Aizawa winced, and Light observed the bruises, and he was shocked to find there wasn't any dreadful pity in Light's eyes. There was something, but he couldn't tell what it was. For a split second, he thought it was understanding.

"Your wife did this to you?"

"Well…" he gave in, "Yes. A lot of this is just the explosion, though, she just..."

"Made already fragile ribs worse and fractured at least two of them. Got it. You're lucky it hasn't gotten too bad." 

Once he got going, Aizawa slowly began to open up about his domineering wife under Light's gentle line of questioning. Even later, he would never know what had possessed him to open up, regardless of the blow to his pride, being caught by someone much younger than him. Perhaps it was a mix of pain, exhaustion, and grief, alongside the pure shock of this conversation.

Light had planned carefully when to have this talk, it seemed.

Aizawa spoke, and Light nodded in understanding, lending a sympathetic ear as Aizawa went into details about his marital troubles. 

"I don't understand why _you_ don't go home, though," Aizawa decided to try changing the subject, sitting up a bit and staring intently towards Light, "I mean, you've got Misa."

There was quiet for a split second, and Light gave a hollow smile, looking down at the coffee table a couple feet away, "Misa isn't much better. Trust me on that." He looked back up, getting back on topic, "Have you considered counseling? For your wife?"

"She won't go. She'll divorce me—probably claim that _I hit her_ and get custody of our kids, more than likely make working as an officer impossible, and I don't want to think of what would happen if she was alone with them without me as a form of protection... No, it's best to let it lie." He shrugged, "It's alright. It's not like I'm not used to it. Besides, it's not like I don't deserve it for not being there."

"You mean working so hard to catch a dangerous criminal?" Light asked scathingly, brown bangs falling into his face, curtaining off his eyes, "It's not your fault, Aizawa. I know how it goes, you know… Misa. I was just eighteen and confused, and she shows up at my house late at night, totally infatuated and demanding to be my girlfriend, and Ryuzaki asked me to seduce her to get information on Kira. And I'm stuck with her now." 

"I never really thought of that," Aizawa muttered, wondering in hindsight how he hadn't. He supposed he had just assumed Light had grown to care about her over time. He looked up and saw a dark look in Light's eyes. It was hard to tell what emotion Light was feeling, just that it wasn't a good one, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm trying to find a way the help you. I mean—if there's one good thing about Kira, then technically there is, but that whole Letters to Kira system is disgraceful and corrupt." He ran his hands through his hair.

Aizawa nodded, glad for a subject change, no matter how morbid the reason for the transition was. "The people sending names are more than likely just sending those of people they don't like or have something to gain from them dying, meaning those people sending names should be charged with at the very least manslaughter." 

"Agreed." Light looked back up, "Aizawa, I'm not a doctor. I want you to go to a doctor to get that looked at just in case. It's not my place to tell the others anything, so I'll cover for you. If you need me, just call, and I'll be there, no questions asked."

Aizawa managed to genuinely smile, "Ide at least suspects, but... thank you, Light. It actually means a lot." 

Present Day

He thought back over that conversation again. Ever since they had had it, Light's comments about his relationship with Misa had struck him as odd. Saying she had come to his house late at night and demanding to date him? He had to admit that he had seen the levels of Misa's obsession, and he honestly couldn't put it past her. However, if things were really that bad, then Light would have been able to leave her, right?

That was what he had let himself think, but now that Light was dead, and there were proven traces of a date-rape drug in his system within a couple days of his death, he was beginning to see a clearer picture of what had happened. 

_"Well... there's a lot of reasons. And I want to tell you about everything, but I can't because going over the years I have been thinking about this would take too long, and I couldn't stand for you to continue having that look on your face all the time as though I'm the scum of the earth. I just need you to look at me and think that I'm normal. I just really need that."_

He was snapped out of his thoughts about those words written in Light's suicide note and the idea that there was a new meaning, by Mogi looking over the report himself,

"Light was cutting?" He deflated, "I can't believe none of us noticed." Aizawa looked down towards the desk where he was so used to Light sitting and adding in his input to task force investigations. Guilt hit him hard. Light had noticed Aizawa being abused by Eriko, but nobody had seen his suffering, which really had been going on for a long time. 

And if he was right about this theory, that wasn't the only thing they hadn't noticed.

"Do any of you know if Misa is at home or not?" Aizawa asked, and Matsuda shrugged from where he had been staring off into space,

"She's probably visiting Light's grave." 

"Good." He got up, "I'm going back over there and looking for answers to this," he held up the autopsy report.

"And what?" Ide asked, "Even if you're correct on this train of thought, Misa's a female celebrity. Nobody would believe it." 

"I know," Aizawa cringed, "I know what better than anyone, but that doesn't change the fact I need to know."

"Isn't it frowned upon to go into Misa and Light's apartment uninvited and search for drugs?" Mogi asked, but then cut himself off, "Alright. I'll cover for you guys with Misa and keep her away from the apartment. If this will bring you some closure."

"Thank you," Aizawa looked to Matsuda with a serious expression as he took in Matsuda's borderline sickly features and the bags under his eyes, "Matsuda, when was the last time you slept?" Matsuda just hummed a little in response, which was as good an answer as any that he didn't know any more than the rest of the group.

"I'm going with you," Matsuda said, uncharacteristically firm in his decision, "I need to know if it's true. What, do you not trust me?"

Drawing a heavy breath, Aizawa looked to Matsuda, hoping he would understand, "You're missing the point, Matsuda. That's not what I'm saying."

"I know I'm not completely myself, but you can still trust me—"

"The point, Matsuda, is that you're barely functioning after what happened, and I think it would be best if you get some rest."

There hadn't been any way to argue with that, but it seemed Matsuda was going to at least try to change their minds, "I'm fine. I want to help."

Eyebrows raised slightly, he shook his head. "This is for your own good, Matsuda. Go home and get some rest tonight."

Matsuda's expression was a dark one, and discomfort knotted in Aizawa's stomach, momentarily flashing back to a similar look on Light's face many times. How hadn't he seen it then?

Despite himself, he felt himself give in a bit, "We'll still give you updates as we find them."

"Okay." Matsuda whispered, getting up, "I'll find something to busy myself with." He left, and Aizawa sighed, before looking between Mogi and Ide,

"Mogi, we'll be giving you updates too. Just make sure Misa doesn't go back to the apartment." Mogi remained silent, but it seemed different this time. It was no secret that Mogi had had the closest relationship to Misa of them, and the implications of what might have been going on between Light and Misa behind closed doors was surely not something he liked thinking about. Perhaps that was why Aizawa had no problem with himself and Ide doing the searching.

They all went their separate ways, and Ide and Aizawa drove together to Misa's apartment since they still had the key Light had owned, since it had been in his jacket pocket, left behind when he...

There was a sense of wrong, coming here, and Aizawa found himself flashing back to when he had searched this place for a Death Note. Had he seen anything potentially suspicious on different accounts? Had he been looking hard enough to locate that?

The last time he had been here searching for something... the last time he had ever seen Light alive. He had to know if there was any truth hidden behind the evidence of Light having been drugged. But then again, he had needed to know if Light was Kira and got what he wanted in the worst way possible. What if this had unforeseeable consequences too?

He hesitantly opened the door to the poorly lit room, turning on a lamp and looking around.

"It's surprisingly clean," Ide remarked, gazing analytically around the apartment Light and Misa had shared for five years.

Good housekeeping had never been a problem for the couple, but all the same, it left Aizawa unsettled. Such cleanliness wasn't to be expected from a person who, presumably, was depressed over the loss of her lover, though he supposed it had been just as clean when he had come to pick up Misa for the funeral. Maybe they had a maid?

While Ide checked through the living room, Aizawa headed down the hallway to the master bedroom. He had been in Light and Misa's apartment multiple times—especially when it had been the de facto headquarters for a time—it was large, luxurious even. Stylish, meticulous rooms showed signs of Misa's fashion sense and Light's organization skills.

He studied a photograph sitting on the mantle. Misa had her arms locked around Light's neck, beaming like the sun, but he was the moon, and looking at him now, while he saw there was a smile on Light's face, his eyes told a different story altogether.

Aizawa cringed, unsure if he was paranoid that he could almost hear the cry for help from a picture that someone who didn't know Light had killed himself would see as perfectly normal if not cute.

Entering the bedroom, the first place he thought to look was underneath the mattress, running his hands underneath it. He thought, where would Light hide something that he didn't want Misa to find, but probably wouldn't mind others discovering it when he was gone?

This was different from looking for a Death Note because something both Light and Misa would more than likely know the location of, so it would be in a secret place just the two of them knew. But if Light didn't want Misa to see, he would hide it somewhere else.

Just for the hell of it, he bent down on both sides of the bed, finding nothing of interest at the moment, so he decided to check the drawers on Light's nightstand, which seemed to be from Ikea. There were two of them, rather large, and when he checked, there wasn't much worthwhile hidden in there.

But then he noticed something as he was opening the top one. The little knob was able to be twisted. It was a very subtle detail that nobody would have paid any heed to if they weren't trained for such things. He wondered how he hadn't noticed this when he was looking for a Death Note.

Twisting it fully, he pulled out, and a secret drawer was pulled out, made from the bottom of the one above it, which had had the bottom replaced, and inside the hidden drawer was a book, a voice recorder, some photos, and some files.

"Huh?" He took out the book, realizing quickly that it was a diary. Aizawa paused, looking at it. 

Light was gone, but this was a window into his private thoughts. Did he want to know? Would it be a violation to Light's memory to read it? Or did it matter now that he was dead? Did the deceased care for their privacy? 

He fingered the cover, tracing the pattern of the designs on it. Whatever Light wanted people to know in life, he told them... but that wasn't true. He more than likely had wished for help, but he couldn't have gotten it without looking suspicious. That didn't change the fact Light never meant this to be read, which made part of him want to destroy it so the secrets within could stay with Light.

Maybe it was selfish, that he opened it, needing to know what was inside—any inkling to that this suicide would have happened.

This wasn't a diary—well, it was, but not in the typical sense.

This was documenting instances of abuse. 

Aizawa found himself engrossed by the writings and how he discovered that, unfortunately, he could relate to a lot of Light's struggles. Though he was disturbed, looking at Light's claims that Misa had gone to his house late at night because she had bought in information online and stalked him. Mogi had thought Light was dating two women when watching Light, but it turned out that Light had been loyal to Kiyomi, but Misa had been stalking him, and then Light was stuck with her after the investigation.

But then a page dating about three years ago caught his eye, especially the noticeable change in the tone, going from merely stating facts to frantic and emotional.

_I've fucked up, why did I do that? I fought back against her. I know that's a big no in abuse cases, but I couldn't take it anymore. I mean—I just yelled at her. That isn't too bad, right? Who am I kidding? She's a celebrity. Nobody would believe me, and unless I plan to use Kira—which would only make suspicion fly on me in the long run—I guess I'm stuck with her._

Deciding to leave the journal and read the rest later, he put it in his bag and looked over the voice recorder, the file, and the photos. On the records, there was a post-it note, reading, _"Does it count if I write my own police report?"_ and it showed the same information on stalking and sexual abuse. 

And then the voice recorder. Aizawa cringed because while he believed Light's writings, this would almost certainly be proof of Light's claims. He turned it on, and listened to Misa talking,

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

_"To my college graduation party, Misa."_ Aizawa frowned, noticing a trace of both annoyance and fear in Light's tone, especially as he heard a loud noise, judging by Misa's voice getting louder, it meant she was getting closer. 

_"I won't let you go, there will be other girls there!"_

_"Well, yeah, I have female classmates. What's wrong with that?"_

_"I already told you,"_ Misa snapped, _"If I see you with another girl, I'll kill them! You belong to me, remember?"_

_"Wha—Am I not allowed to have friends?!"_

_"Not if they're other girls!"_ Suddenly, Misa's tone changed to something seductive, _"Come on, Light, let's go to bed."_

_"No! I want to go out!"_

_"I'll kill them,"_ Misa warned, _"And you know I will! Do you want that to reflect badly on you? They suspected you were Kira once. How about you just say you're feeling sick, we'll get in bed, and pretend you never wanted to go out."_

The recording ended, and Aizawa felt rage, unlike anything he had ever felt before—like a vexing of the soul for what he felt was not human, it was twisted and distorted, but it was something strong. It burned so bad like fire lacing his veins and creeping up his spine. He was intoxicated with emotion he had no intention of ever feeling; the acidity of it was residing in his stomach waiting to be spat out of his mouth in foul and vulgar words he would be stared at for saying.

But of course, Ide interrupted him before he went into a rage, coming around the corner, "I found something." He held up a bottle and shook it, pouring the tablets into his hand.

Rohypnol tablets. However, the bottle was labeled as sleeping pills. 

"What did you find?" Ide asked, looking down at the secret drawer and the content within, picking up one of the photos, which was a picture of Light and his graduating class, and there was a second one of Light and Kiyomi.

And the third one was of Light and Ryuzaki. Aizawa got up, looking down at the photo of their deceased former leaders, and the genuinely radiant grin on Light's face, even during the handcuffs. L looked confused as to the photo being taken, and there was a little powdered sugar on his lips, but he was smiling too. 

He held it up to the picture with Kiyomi, and then with Misa. Light was practically frowning, by comparison, putting either of the two next to the ones of Misa. So he hadn't imagined things as he once again observed all the pictures of Misa and Light, noticing over and over that broken look on his face, wondering how they all had missed it.

It only got worse, thinking about the idea that there had been more to the relationship of L and Light—it had been a popular theory for a long time, especially when Light just... changed after Ryuzaki died. He didn't seem as hindered by the moral code he used to follow so strictly, and he almost became more like Ryuzaki.

Though if that was true that Light swung that way, it was morbidly humorous that Misa had been planning on killing women who were near Light. But then he was reminded of his rage that she had been willing to do so. Yet even with all the evidence—even if she had killed someone—she still wasn't ending up imprisoned unless for being...

A thought crossed his mind. Could Misa be Kira or even the Second Kira? It would explain a lot, why she would be able to kill someone, and seeing as Light seemed to have been threatened by those accusations, he may have felt obligated to keep her secret to not screw himself over. Or maybe he hadn't known anything and just thought she would hire a hitman. Still, he was beginning to feel unease again, remembering how Ryuzaki had insisted that Misa was the second Kira—a criminal in which Misa had always been the only lead towards.

Slowly, he looked around again, gathering up all the evidence to show Mogi and Matsuda, shuddering at the thought of telling the two who had always been closer with Misa, remembering the happy days the group had spent together. He could almost hear Light's laughter ringing through the now-empty space, the only sound being the bird which Ide seemed to have just fed.

Those days were gone forever now.

He dialed Mogi, "Hey, get back to headquarters. We found some things you need to see." He double-checked to make sure he had shut the secret drawer properly, and he took note of the photo of Light and Kiyomi, which had a phone number and a heart on the back. Aizawa winced, no wonder Light had seen fit to hide these. 

Ide frowned, looking around the main room again, making sure they had left everything for the most part as they had found it, "Something doesn't feel right. It almost feels like we're not alone." 

Aizawa had to admit that he agreed with that statement, but it wasn't like ghosts existed or anything, so all he could do was shrug and start walking back to headquarters, opting to be quiet and attempt to calm himself, so he didn't start screaming at the next poor soul to talk to him. The last thing he needed was to accidentally have a bitter tone with Eriko—that wouldn't help the situation at all.

They got back, and Aizawa listened to the recording again, sheer loathing bubbling up. He knew it was best someone kept an eye on Misa after this, to see just how much danger there was in her threats, but how would any of them be able to face her without...

Ide sat down beside him, "Aizawa, I know you think you should have seen this—don't even think about lying to me, I know you too well."

"I know I wouldn't have." He got up, getting away from Ide, even though he knew his friend of many years was just trying to help. "It's not my job to look at every detail! I don't have to be a goddamn babysitter."

Ide wasn't even slightly bothered by the outburst, and Aizawa slumped, knowing he wasn't fooling anyone—not even himself. Light had noticed Aizawa's issue, why hadn't he been able to return the favor? Surely he wasn't so incompetent that he hadn't seen Light had been _drugged_.

He had to see his kids and make sure they were okay. It was irrational, but every day, as Yumi got older, he feared she was going to become a more frequent target of her mother when he wasn't around. His back ached, even thinking of those nights he had needed to shield Yumi with his body against Eriko's attacks when she got into a rage.

He forced himself to breathe, checking his watch, "Sorry. I need a little time to myself." He walked towards the door, and Ide watched him going, sighing with his head in his hands.

Where he planned to go? Aizawa didn't know, nor did he care as he decided to just walk in an attempt to clear his head. Maybe pick up the kids from school?

Someone should probably tell Near about the threats and mark Misa as a person of interest again. An hour ago, he would have been afraid of that idea and not wanting to drive her over the edge too, but at the moment, he just didn't care, and whatever she did to herself would be damn better than what he wanted to do to her.

Maybe later, he would feel like a sick bastard for borderline wanting Misa to die, but right now, remembering Light had been sexually abused for years and had long since reached the breaking point, so Aizawa was well past caring about Misa.

He wondered if this was how Light had felt when he had learned about Aizawa's own home life. Was he irrational to hate Misa as much as he did? Was it just because he knew how that shit felt and wouldn't wish it on anyone?

Aizawa shivered after a little while, realizing how far he had walked, and now he was standing on the Suijin Bridge, with the water around making the December air seem chillier than it actually was. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself, but still ended up walking over to the edge and leaning against the rail, looking down at the dark waters below. Dully, he noticed the railings had already been decorated for the holidays. Even if it sometimes felt that time had stopped, it was still going. It was almost Christmas.

The chief had been dead for a month today. It wasn't a particularly noteworthy "holiday," but Aizawa still found himself realizing it, and that also meant that Light had only been dead for fifteen days. He sighed. It certainly didn't feel like fifteen days. Sometimes it felt like he had gotten the news yesterday, or occasionally he would have moments of pretending that maybe things would be okay, and with it was the illusion this had happened months or years ago. 

He bit the inside of his cheek. The breeze continued to press at his back.

Had Light thought much before doing it or had he just been so desperate to get away that he'd just…did it? Of course, there had been a suicide note, so some thought must have gone into it, but that was claimed a failed therapy attempt. But the act itself—had it been premeditated or spontaneous and desperate?

He wondered how Light had felt, just before doing it. Had there had been a moment of perfect clarity before he died? What had he thought of in those few moments before passing out?

Aizawa shuddered, but this time not from the cold as he continued to absently stare down at the waters below. Perhaps it wasn't wise to think about the thought process of a dead man as he took his own life. 

It was better if he just cleared his mind and pretend everything was okay. It always got better. He remembered the low when Ukita had died. It had been hard, especially to keep it hidden from the others after the initial shock, but it had gotten easier.

Yeah, things seemed hard now. Just focus on the next right thing and keep going from there. Go through the motions until it became manageable. 

He just didn't know when that would be.

...

When Mogi made it back to headquarters, he had finished having lunch with Misa, contemplating what they had found in Light's autopsy report.

Misa was such a sweet girl, completely devoted to Light, and out of all those he'd left behind, he had felt particularly sick over Misa's predicament. Could it really be that the girl he had known for so long wasn't as goodhearted as he had thought she was?

Sitting with her, chatting with her, all he had seen was a young woman heartbroken by the death of her boyfriend of five years. She had been talking to him, asking about the signs and seeing anything that would have hinted to Light's suffering. Could the same girl have been slipping Light date-rape drugs on the side?

Since this case was personal to everyone, Mogi found he couldn't criticize Aizawa for barring Matsuda from it, especially given how Matsuda was taking this. He had been upset when the chief died, but otherwise okay. But it wasn't hard to tell that losing two people who had basically been family in such a short amount of time had been devastating, and Light had been the final straw.

He had told Misa he hadn't seen any of the signs that Light had been thinking about ending his own life, and he had chosen not to tell Misa that evidence stated Light had been a self-harmer as well. Either Misa knew, and bringing that up would open old wounds, or she didn't, and that would break her heart.

But as he had said that, he had felt pangs of regret stabbing into him. What if he hadn't gone with Aizawa? For a second there, he had had some suspicions about Light. What if he had stayed in headquarters, and maybe had gone into that bathroom and saved Light from himself? Would he have done it at all if there had been even one more person who believed in him?

Sometimes, he would let his mind wander into the land of what might have been, in a world where either he had stayed and shown belief in Light's innocence or at least Light had been saved at the last minute. In those fantasies, he had always found himself wondering how he would face Light.

If he could talk to Light again, what would he say? "I'm sorry," didn't seem to cut it, but what else could he even say? Why had the universe been so cruel and unforgiving to have actually taken Light away from them? Part of him wondered if it was a sign that they were in the wrong for trying to apprehend Kira, but then he shook that thought off as ridiculous.

What had happened was a tragedy, no doubt, but that didn't mean this was going to keep happening. Nevertheless, Mogi found himself really, really scared. Light always took the lead, he was... How were the rest of them supposed to go on without him? How were they supposed to face Kira without him?

He looked around, seeing Ide was the only other person here, "Where's Aizawa?"

"Out on a walk, probably," Ide replied, drinking some coffee, "We found some things when investigating. We found the Rohypnol, and it seems Light was gathering evidence, and there was more to the situation than any of us would have expected." He played the voice recording and showed off the files and the journal.

He wanted to deny it—insist that Misa would _never_ —

But he heard that recording and saw the journal, and the fact Light had seen the need to hide photos of himself with people besides Misa. Looking back, that was the only type of picture in that apartment—ones with both Light and Misa together. Sometimes other people were in them too, but only the Yagami family or occasionally someone on the task force, but nobody else.

Maybe he had just hidden that photo of Ryuzaki out of respect for his friend's wishes about his face not being shown, but did that matter? Ryuzaki had been dead for years, so having a photo of him wouldn't mean anything unless...

 _"Light belongs to me, I don't want to share him with you!"_ He suddenly remembered Misa shouting at Ryuzaki upon hearing about the handcuff arrangement. The way she spoke had struck him a little odd but hadn't thought much of it at the time. 

Now, on the other hand, there were files, there was a journal and even a voice recording stating that the way Misa had been describing Light as though he were an object to be owned had always been something happening. He had the evidence to know what Misa had been doing without a doubt, and it wasn't like Light to come up with a preposterous lie. Nobody would believe him, because Misa just didn't seem like that type of person. Still, Mogi had a hard time placing the congenial, spirited woman he had been friends with for years as the same menacing and controlling one in the recording and that Light described in his writings.

He shook his head. Misa wasn't the type to hurt people. Regardless of what L had insisted for months...

He remembered that L had always seemed to have this distaste for Misa, that everyone found a little odd. Sure, Aizawa had always thought Misa was a bit annoying, but he had never at least visibly had the levels of dismissal and contempt when Misa was around that L did. 

Had L suspected Misa was capable of this? The thought made Mogi uncomfortable—but then again, this whole situation was doing that.

Oh no... surely, they would have to tell Sachiko about this, right? As much as it pained Mogi to think, somebody like this couldn't be around the grieving family when she had been so cruel to Light. But what if revealing this led to more significant consequences overall?

He shook himself, still unable to believe Misa was a sexual abuser—it was hypocritical, alongside plain cruel, because she had vented to him many a time about her stalkers and why didn't they understand she wasn't interested in them?

There were so many thoughts racing through his head, but his first thought was to keep quiet. He had been doing that his whole life, observing situations, and not liking to state his opinion on the matter. Yes, it was best to remain quiet and let Aizawa and Ide take charge and decide what to do with the issue. 

Ide looked at one of the photos, "At least we have Takada's number." 

Mogi didn't respond.

OoOoO

A chilly wind blew through the night, and Matsuda turned his jacket collar against it, staring up at the dark windows of Light's old apartment. It was quiet in this part of town, yet he ended up walking right to where he would have been able to knock and chat with Light for a bit... until two weeks ago.

 _I won't go in,_ Matsuda told himself. _I'm just passing by on a walk. I'm not going to get involved._

Easier said than done. Once he'd gotten home, he'd found it impossible to sit still, unable to keep his mind off Light's autopsy, no matter how much he kept his hands busy attempting to distract himself. Eventually, he'd put his coat and shoes back on, telling himself he would just go out for some fresh air, but it didn't surprise him that he'd wound up here.

He had never liked the quiet before. Before, he would like to spark a conversation, not understanding the contemplative silence that everyone else did. But now, he found that he actually did prefer it.

Still, it was strange being outside the building where Misa and Light had lived and loved together.

Loved…?

With that word came this crashing realization, fully this time, that Light might not have ever loved Misa at all. He had gotten a call from Aizawa, saying that first thing tomorrow, they had to talk at headquarters about something that had been discovered. Judging by Aizawa's tone, and how he had actually seemed on the brink of crying, it wasn't going to be good. He was pretty sure that the only reason he hadn't been told to get over there immediately was that either the others needed time to process it, or they wanted to keep Matsuda in blissful ignorance for a little longer. 

Of course, that hadn't done anything except make Matsuda's mind wander on how the hell Light could have gotten drugs in his system and all the possible, terrible theories raged in his mind like a storm.

Hopelessly, Matsuda tried to omit that idea from his mind. He had to hold on to the memories he had of Light that weren't possibly illusions, so he thought about the day all those years ago they'd been in Aoyama together, investigating. 

On that day, he'd been so relaxed and sociable, making jokes with his friends and flirting playfully with the girls around him. That was the day he told him he thought Matsuda was a good detective. Nobody had ever said that to him before, and it had made him feel like, for the first time, somebody might actually look up to him.

Now that he thought about it, he realized with sinking awareness that Misa had claimed to have met and fallen in love with Light there. But Matsuda had not seen her there. The only people they had talked to were each other and Light's friends.

_"Like I told you earlier, it's completely one-sided."_

A light suddenly switched on to the upper level of the apartment, and a figure moved beyond the window. Matsuda sighed, deciding that maybe he should talk to Misa one last time before getting that bad news tomorrow. It wasn't like he was investigating against Aizawa's wishes—Misa had still been his friend for years. He had just happened to be on a stroll and noticed her.

Matsuda knocked on the apartment door, calling softly, "Misa?"

There was no answer. Matsuda crouched down to look under the door, where a crack of light shone through.

"Hello?" Matsuda turned the knob, sure he'd find it locked, but the door popped open, and he stood in the doorway, breath hitching, startled.

Gradually, Matsuda eased into the surprisingly empty dimmed living room, noticing that the master bedroom light was on, and he could hear someone rustling around in there.

He knew dully that he really shouldn't have just come in, but why was Misa so quiet? It was starting to unnerve him, and a thought crossed his mind that he was about to interrupt something.

No, surely Misa wouldn't do that too, right? He was just paranoid, right?

"Misa?" Matsuda called, walking that way. "Is that you?"

At once, the light went off suddenly, plunging him into absolute darkness, and his heart lurched into his throat.

 _What if it isn't Misa?_ Matsuda asked himself suddenly. _What if it's one of her crazy fans? I'm unarmed… This could actually be dangerous._

_Calm down. You're a cop._

Swallowing his uncertainty, Matsuda pushed the bedroom door open, "Misa?"

He heard a wooshing sound, and then something struck him square in the face, knocking him back against the wall. A distinctly male voice shouted, "Stay away!"

It wasn't Misa's voice. Matsuda had heard it before, though. It took him a second to place it, and in the meantime, he got smacked again by the startled boy.

"Matt!" Matsuda blurted, shielding his face. "It's me!"

Matsuda could just make out Matt's red hair in the orange light coming from outside. At first, he cocked back to hit him again, and Matsuda saw he was holding a book, but he hesitated suddenly, and his jaw dropped in shock. "Matsuda, right? What are you doing here?"

Drawing a deep breath, Matsuda lowered his guard, half-expecting him to hit him again. So it seemed that both of them were in Misa's apartment without her permission, late at night, and she wasn't home. Well... this was certainly going to be interesting to explain. Though, in hindsight, now he had a justifiable reason if he had seen Matt come in. And why was Matt here to begin with?

They studied each other a moment through the dark, and then, finally, Matt lowered the book. "Are you looking for Misa?" He asked.

"Me? Not really, I'm just… I thought she was home, and..." Matsuda rubbed his stinging nose, "Just…um… What are you doing here, Matt?"

After a long, suspicious look, he flicked the light back on. "Nothing…" he trailed off too, but upon seeing Matsuda's dubious expression, he pulled out a UK police badge, which caught the other officer by surprise. Matt was with the police too? So what was he doing rummaging through Misa's stuff?

"You're with the SPK?" He asked, and Matt's expression changed for a moment, before shrugging,

"Not quite. I work with my friend, but that's it."

In Matt's hands, what Matsuda had mistaken for a book was actually a photograph framed in heavy pewter. It showed Misa and Light together, smiling. Happy.

For another awkward moment, Matt and Matsuda looked at each other, trying to figure out what else to say, and then Matt stuttered, "Uh… Matsuda…your nose…"

Absently, Matsuda rubbed it, and his fingers came back bloody, and his eyes widened, seeing his hand with blood on it again.

He was back in the bathroom, Light dead on the floor—

"Hey, don't do that on me right now," Matt snapped, shaking him, "I'll get you something." He laid the photo face down on the dresser and disappeared into the en suite bathroom, while Matsuda struggled not to drip blood on the carpet and focus on his breathing, focusing on anything he could to not fly apart right here and now. 

A moment later, Matt reappeared with a handful of toilet paper. "Here. Sit down." He pulled Matsuda over and made him sit on the bed, and Matsuda pressed the tissue to his nose, face starting to burn.

"Sorry I hit you. I thought…"

"It's okay," Matsuda assured him, "I don't think it's broken."

Nodding, Matt lowered his head. There wasn't much life in his eyes, and he looked like a completely different man than Matsuda remembered at the funeral. Though, of course, Matsuda himself had been in hysterics, so the main things he remembered about Matt was his kindness and red hair.

When his nose had stopped bleeding, Matsuda said, "There. All better. Thanks."

Matt shuddered, "We should probably get going. Wouldn't want to have that awkward conversation." He used another tissue to clean the picture of any blood, putting it back where he found it. 

Matsuda sat up, cleaning his hands in the bathroom, focusing on Matt and not the blood he was furiously scrubbing off or the fact he was in Misa's apartment, and she wasn't here. Sure, Aizawa had done it earlier, but it still felt like a betrayal.

"Are you out alone?" He asked as he watched Matt fix things up.

Matt sighed. "I guess with Kira around, I'm not that worried about it." He shrugged nonchalantly, "Either way, I don't really care."

Icy fingers seized his heart, and Matsuda couldn't help blurting out, "C'mon, Matt, don't talk that way. You have to be careful," he insisted.

Matt chuckled, "Oh, I didn't mean I didn't care like _that_. I mean that if anything happened to me, my friend would go on a rampage, and honestly, I'd be here for it with some popcorn. So either way, I'm satisfied."

That brought Matsuda some comfort, seeing in Matt's eyes that he was genuine about that. He was lucky to have a close friend like that.

"Thanks for your concern, though." Matt got up, "I'd better get going."

Matsuda tucked the bloodied tissues into the pocket of his jacket. "Let me walk you home. It's late, and even with Kira making it safer, maybe don't risk scaring your friend."

Matt rolled his eyes, "He scared the shit out of me like a month ago, so it's about time I return the favor, but..." a haunted look appeared in his eyes, "I guess you're right. But I couldn't ask you to do that. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"It's no problem. Let's go."

At last, Matt nodded. "All right. It would be nice to have some company." He grabbed a backpack from the foot of the bed, and they left together.

Out on the street, Matsuda asked, "So are you investigating the Kira case too?"

"It's complicated." Matt explained, "I talked to my friend about the possibility of Yagami's death being murder rather than suicide, so we were looking for evidence to support that theory. What, it's not like Kira only kills bad guys."

Many people killed by Kira had been anything but evil—some of them had even been heroes, like L, and yet Matsuda felt like he had no right to say anything.

"Kira killed my older brother." Matt elaborated, "He was working to catch Kira."

"I'm sorry," Matsuda whispered, stupidly, knowing the words couldn't cover everything Matt felt inside. To lose friends was one thing, but the idea of losing family brought tears to his eyes, and he wiped that away.

"I hate Kira," Matt spat with dark passion. "I didn't plan on getting involved, but when my friend told me we should work together, naturally, I was going to go for it."

"I can't imagine how it must feel to lose your brother like that," Matsuda whispered, putting his hands in his pockets, thinking for a moment about Matt being from the UK, "Say, Matt, forgive me asking, but by any chance is your brother connected to L?"

Matt shrugged, "Rue never told me much about his work—I mean, he was on the Kira case, so probably." He chuckled humorlessly, "He promised me that he would capture and execute Kira, and he turned up dead." 

Matsuda bit back a groan, but it became a barely audible gasp.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, and by the time the flat came into view, Matsuda felt exhausted. Most of the lights were on, but the place looked desolate.

Matt stood at the door for a moment, before turning, "You look like you're gonna pass out the moment I leave you alone. Wanna just come in?"

"I—I..." Matsuda looked up at the night sky, knowing that he had been walking in the opposite direction of his apartment, so it would be even longer. But bunking with a stranger for the night? Was he really stooping that low? Well, Matt was another officer, and he did want to know why Matt had been looking around Misa's apartment. "If you don't mind." 

Matt gestured for him to come in, "Hope you don't mind the place is a bit of a mess—I wasn't expecting company." Matsuda shrugged, knowing the state of his own apartment wasn't much better. Matt frowned a little, looking around, and then noticed a piece of paper on one of the tables, reading it and pocketing it, before walking to the fridge, "I have frozen pizza and some chips." 

"Oh, you don't need to make anything for me—"

"I'm making it for me and making sure you'd tolerate that. Though you can have some if you want." He went about doing that, and Matsuda looked around, getting a feel for the age of who lived here. From what he could tell, Matt was a lot younger than Matsuda would expect from an officer. Though, he then remembered that kids were considered adults at an earlier age in most of the world. Still, there was no way Matt was any older than Light—he was more than likely younger by at least a couple years.

"Matt, why were you rummaging through Misa's stuff? I know you were investigating if Light was murdered, but what would that have to do with it?" Matt turned,

"I was doing some research with... Ben."

"Ben?"

"My friend. Of course, that's not his real name—I'm not giving that to a stranger."

"Is Matt your real name?"

"I've been going by it since I was a kid—I use it more than my real name, so that's the more effective sound to make to get my attention. Does anything else really matter? But anyway, I was there because I was doing some research. Apparently, Light Yagami vanished for a few months around the time Misa Amane was supposedly arrested for something along the lines of knowing her manager used drugs—but come on, we both know it was suspicion about being one of the Kiras. After that, something changed. He was suddenly dating Misa, and he was becoming more reclusive than previously known to be. So Ben and I wondered if Misa has something to do with this. If it's really a suicide, is there more going on here regarding his girlfriend? So I was trying to see if maybe there was evidence of more malicious happenings."

Matsuda tensed, being Matt was unnervingly accurate. An idea popped into his head. Aizawa would probably kill him for this, but they already lacked in members—having lost two of their brightest in the span of a month—and if Matt already could figure out this much, he would be useful help.

"Matt, how do you feel about joining the Kira task force?"

Matt's eyes widened, "Me? Part of the task force?" He laughed a bit, shrugged, "I don't know, I don't typically work in groups. Besides, I'm sure nobody else would approve of some random guy you met at a funeral joining the task force out of nowhere."

"So is that a no?"

"Tell you what, I'll give you my number, and you talk to your buddies tomorrow. I'll talk to Ben about me being on the task force, and we'll work from there—I already know Ben won't be interested."

"Where is he now?"

"Oh, he's visiting a sheep."

...

Near relaxed in the new headquarters, having just gotten off the plane a mere couple hours ago. He had slept on the flight, which was a mistake, and now he was horribly jetlagged, as it was midnight, and he was wide awake, under the impression it was 11am.

"Near," Halle suggested, "You should probably try to sleep off the jetlag."

"It's alright. The only reason it would bother me involves talking to the task force about the information they had discovered. No doubt, the autopsy revelation will prompt them to search the apartment again, and I can already tell the results are going to be interesting." 

"Are you insane, or just plain stupid?!" Near whirled around and saw Mello had somehow gotten in—no doubt taking advantage of the laxer security since they had just arrived here. "They buried Light Yagami only a week ago, a-and you already have plans to push them back on a case that will probably end in them joining him and Watari and L! What the hell is the matter with you?"

"I'm trying to deliver justice and avenge L's death," Near replied, because surely the answer was obvious, "What more is there to say on the matter?"

Mello, however, either didn't grasp this, or did but lacked any care on the matter, "You're trying to get yourself, and everyone else killed! Which is what this fucked up family of ours does best is get _killed_!" He fired his gun, hitting one of the screens, which sparked before falling dead. Near looked towards Mello, not having an understanding of why the older young man was so upset.

"Why does this bother you as much as it does, Mello?"

Mello's posture suddenly became defensive, "That's none of your damn business, but after everything, I feel like I owe it to both L and the Yagami family to bring Kira to justice." 

This sparked Near's interest even further. Did Mello feel guilty about what had happened? "So why are you here then? By any chance, is it..?"

"We both were important factors in the suicide of someone who, in hindsight, appears to be innocent, I'm only here because I need to see Kira taken down fast, and..." he sucked in a breath as though it physically pained him to say it, but then he stopped himself. Near knew what Mello had been about to say, but then his pride changed things to, "Just stay out of my way."

Near hummed in such a way that he made it clear knew that for a moment, whatever was possessing Mello—be it guilt or a sudden change of heart—had been debating an alliance. Oh well, it was a shame, really, because he would have appreciated Mello's help. "I see, and where is Matt in all of this? I cannot think of a time in years he has left your side." 

"He's helping with another plan of mine so we can get the information from the task force that they will not share due to personal vendetta about their coworkers' deaths."

"Seeing as he specializes in tech, I'm assuming it's planting bugs or something along those lines." Mello narrowed his eyes before smiling smugly,

"We'll see." He began to walk away, and Near observed the slight change in Mello's breathing. Near found he wanted to say something to his supposed rival, but he couldn't find the words. He could tell now that Mello was guilty about Yagami's death—which Yagami? Probably both. But why? When had he ever cared about that stuff before? Was it because this particular case was beginning to look like a suicide with the chances of Kira's involvement decreasing? 

He didn't know—and this would later prove to be a source of constant frustrated confusion. 


	4. Chapter 4

Aizawa paced headquarters, running his hands through his hair. Ide watched him, noticing the slight trembling of the shoulders and the shaking of his hands which hadn't stopped in hours.

"Shuichi, you're going to wear a hole in the floor." He stated dryly, watching his best friend on the brink of mental breakdown. Through their years of friendship, he had never seen Aizawa like this—and he had seen a lot when they were at the academy together that nobody would believe if told.

Of course, he knew why, as Matsuda was late. At first, the three of them had been concerned but went on with work because, since Light's funeral, Matsuda had gotten into the habit of being fifteen or twenty minutes late.

After a couple hours, Ide had noticed Aizawa couldn't stop watching the place on the couch where Matsuda had always worked, feeling more and more anxious with every second he wasn't sitting there.

Three hours turned out to be more than enough for him, and Aizawa was now pacing like standing still would kill him. Mogi was out checking Matsuda's apartment because everyone knew Matsuda might not respond well to the antsy behavior becoming displayed. 

And deep down, Ide knew he couldn't put anything past Aizawa or Matsuda in the states they had wound up in. He'd even worried about what he would find if he busted down the door to Matsuda's apartment, before shaking that thought away as his friend's paranoia rubbing off on him.

He hoped Matsuda would go back to his old self soon, because he didn't like the feeling of standing behind the delicate yellow tape, watching his friends drown.

He sighed, feeling extremely out of the loop. He had been on the task force for five years, but that year he hadn't been there due to not trusting L had clearly been important and had changed the relationship with the rest of the group and Light. 

And he wished now that he had stayed because maybe he would be able to understand why everyone else seemed so damn guilty. He had been told a lot about what had happened, and he was sickened by what he had heard that Light had gone through, in a Death Row cell for two months, and honestly, with that information, he understood why Light saw suicide as the better option.

Then again, maybe he didn't want to go back and have been there because clearly, given the mental health of everyone else, that wasn't a good thing. So he was the only one here who was not overtaken by despair. Yes, Light and the chief's deaths were tragedies, but he managed to set his sights on fulfilling the wish he suspected the two would have. Maybe later, he would feel the overwhelming pain the others did, but he was relieved to not be right now.

Perhaps it was because everyone else blamed themselves. Ide had accepted that Light had been past saving by the time they had found his body, and there was nothing he could have done. And he understood why Aizawa blamed himself, not that he believed it to be rational since Light had made his own choice, and from what they had learned, this probably would have happened anyway because of Misa, albeit later on.

That didn't change the fact the image of a screaming Matsuda clutching the bloodsoaked form of their friend was branded behind his eyes forever. 

He shook himself because he knew Aizawa well enough to see the onset of a panic attack when he saw it. He got up and grabbed Aizawa's shoulders,

"Shuichi," he said much firmer than usual, "You need to calm down. He is fine, and you need to take your mind off this. Matsuda is a grown man, and he can take care of himself."

...

_He's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead—_

The words repeated again and again like a story on a loop he couldn't escape, images flashing behind his eyes in a slightly hysterical vision of the future with this being the beginning of the end. Soon, everyone would be gone, and Kira would win and—

Deep down, he realized he had probably gone mental from too many sleepless nights and stress, and perhaps he did need to rest and would have a clearer mind. But at the moment, the only thing he could think about was the idea of Matsuda being actually dead. 

His whole body shook as something akin to a sob tried to force its way out, and this combined with Ide at this point shouting for him to get a grip made him realize he was starting to lose it and needed to calm down. _We can only fall apart one at a time,_ he reminded himself, being forced to sit down by his friend as he tried to reason with himself that freaking out wasn't called for.

But there was a softness to Matsuda that now brought him more discomfort than he could have previously imagined. In addition to the age gap between them, his youthful energy made him seem like a kid, and Matsuda had a gentleness Aizawa had always thought would work against him in his career as a police officer. He was naïve and reckless. If Aizawa didn't watch his back, he wasn't sure anyone else would take it upon themselves.

He sipped some coffee he hadn't realized was in his hand and jolted back to reality, seeing he was getting a call from Mogi. And... was he in a coffee shop?

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Ide said dryly, "You spaced out really badly, and since I didn't want to leave you alone, I dragged you here."

"Thanks," he said absently, answering the phone, "Mogi, what is it? Is he there?"

_"Matsuda isn't here."_

Three words that made Aizawa's blood run cold, hanging up and trying to call Matsuda again, only to get no response. He didn't realize he was starting to sway a bit until Ide had grabbed him.

"I take it that wasn't good. Maybe Matsuda's at the store. Remember: Matsuda hasn't even been missing for twenty-four hours, so he isn't a missing person yet."

"But," he retaliated, "He would be if the circumstances are dire or concerning, which they are!" 

"Shit, you're right." Ide sighed as they left the shop, "It's pointless to try stopping you, am I right?"

"Yeah." Aizawa gestured for him to follow, "We'll start by tracking his phone—it's at least a start."

_Matsuda, where are you?_

...

Matsuda had had a lot of weird things happen since becoming a police officer, but he found that waking up shirtless in an unfamiliar flat almost took the cake. Nothing could top the weirdness of murder notebooks and Shinigami, but this was still peculiar. 

It took him a little longer than he would like to admit to remember where he was and why he was here. He noticed Matt was on the phone with someone,

"Are you sure you'll be okay? Yeah, I can do it—don't worry about me." He paused, "Hm? Oh. We'll see what the rest of the task force says. Bye, honey." He hung up, turning to see Matsuda was awake, "Oh. You're up."

"I'm going to assume that it was Ben." He replied sleepily, and Matt nodded,

"Yeah. Oh, and I hate to sound like an ass, but I am pretty sure you're late because you have gotten a ton of calls."

"What?!" Matsuda jumped up, checking his phone and seeing countless missed calls and messages from his friends wondering where he was, and he was close to four hours late for work. He cursed under his breath, realizing that he was going to be in for it when he got to work, especially given Aizawa's mental state as of late. "Shit. I _really_ gotta go." Matt tossed him a piece of toast,

"Good luck. Judging by the calls, you're gonna need it."

He chuckled a bit despite himself, "You don't know the half of it," but then deflated as he remembered why, racing out the door, "I'll talk to them about you!"

He had needed to be good at running to become an officer, but that didn't change the fact that in his mind, running was reserved for when one is late, or when something horrid was chasing you. In this case, however, he was sprinting towards the danger.

Well, not danger, but he did know Aizawa was not going to be pleased.

He hesitated before opening the door and saw that Aizawa and Ide were on the computers, and Matsuda waved a little, "Hey guys,"

Both of them whirled around, and Matsuda almost recoiled seeing all the emotions in Aizawa's eyes change from relief to anger in the blink of an eye as he got up,

"Where were you?!" He practically shrieked very uncharacteristically, and Matsuda took a step back, eyes wide as he trembled, which seemed to snap Aizawa out of the state he had gotten into. He sighed, running a hand through his hair, and much calmer, he said, "You weren't at your apartment, and we feared the worst."

 _"It's your fault,"_ a voice echoed in Matsuda's head, _"Why can't you do anything right? You had to go scaring your friends—they'd probably be better off without a liability like you."_

"Sorry," he tried sheepishly, trying to ignore the voice. "I was staying at a friend's last night." He looked around, "Where's Mogi?" 

"At the grocery store asking if anybody had seen you." Ide replied, "I'll let him know you're safe." 

"Were you all really that worried about me?" He found himself asking, genuinely touched by the thought even with the context behind it. A small part of him had feared everyone else would have been eager for him to leave and not come back. 

Aizawa didn't respond, returning to his regular self, but his expression gave Matsuda his answer. "Who was this friend of yours?"

He brightened, sitting down, "His name is Matt! I met him at the funeral, and I met him again last night. He's an officer from the UK working with his friend to catch Kira."

And he knew he had everyone's attention, and Ide turned in his desk chair, "Is he with the SPK?"

"No." Matsuda replied, "Actually, I thought we should bring him on the task force. We were discussing the case, and he was actually able to almost perfectly guess what happened regarding Light and Misa's disappearances five years ago. He said his friend wouldn't be interested in joining, but if I got the okay from you, he'd help."

Mogi came in, "I'm glad you're safe, Matsuda." Matsuda nodded, and Aizawa crossed his arms,

"Can you give the three of us a moment to discuss," he asked Matsuda, "It'll only take a minute." Matsuda nodded,

"I'll go get some coffee!" All three looked a little panicked, and he remedied, "Just the coffee shop down the street. I'll call you when I arrive." He took off with a bit of a skip in his step, for the first time having a little hope of at least a distraction from his grief.

...

All of that fear which had been eating at him for hours seemed silly now, seeing Matsuda safe. Yeah, his hair was a mess, and his suit wasn't washed or pressed, and he was starting to look a little bit like L with those eye bags, but that didn't mean he was going to go kill himself.

If anything, it seemed spending the night with this Matt person had been good for Matsuda's mental health, as he seemed a little more like himself today, which was a welcome change.

Aizawa thought back and realized he remembered Matt, having pulled Matsuda away when he seemed on the brink of a panic attack. He hadn't gotten a good look at the young man's face, and he wondered why an officer from the UK would have come to Light's funeral. 

"What do you guys think?" He asked. Mogi leaned against the wall,

"It's a mixed bag. We do need more help around here since we're even more grossly understaffed than usual. But..."

"It feels like we're replacing Light a little too soon, and that's going to bite us in the ass mental health-wise?" Ide offered, nodding, "I agree, but we do need the help, and maybe it won't be as painful of a transition if Matsuda was the one to suggest it. This is just a new face, not a replacement for Light."

Aizawa cringed. Sixteen days ago now since Light had died. It was stupid and irrational, and he knew it, but there was still this lingering fear that the gap between deaths would become a pattern, and someone else would die today. Then he realized another considerable issue,

"He still doesn't know about Misa."

Everyone cringed because this was not going to be pretty. Maybe they could give good news and then bad news? But "hey, Matt can join the task force, and oh yeah Misa's a sexual abuser," just felt wrong.

They were all silent for a few moments before Mogi spoke up, "Maybe Matsuda having someone he seems to care about on the task force would be a good thing. Matt might be able to figure out what's going on with him and how to help. We all saw he looked better today."

"I noticed," Aizawa sighed, reluctant to express the concerns he'd been feeling for the last few weeks. "Obviously, this whole thing with Light was hard for him."

"He was close with Soichiro," Mogi mused.

There had been times Aizawa had thought it was borderline inappropriate how close Matsuda was to Chief Yagami, going to his house with him, talking to him like they were family. Still, he guessed Matsuda needed that, and the former chief had inspired that kind of affection in all of them, one way or another.

"He was," Aizawa tried to think about the words, "But I'm also concerned that if something happens to Matt, it's going to hurt him even further—speaking of which, Ide, do some research to make sure this guy is legit." Ide nodded and got onto the computer, and Mogi had sat down.

"He should see someone," Mogi decided, "Matt might help, but we can't use a new person on the task force as the solution to our problems." 

Startled, Aizawa looked up at him, but as usual, his plain-featured face revealed very little. "What, like using this guy as a therapist?"

He nodded sagely.

Seeking help from a stranger for your personal problems… What a foreign concept in his mind. Aizawa could hardly believe people did it.

"After what he saw," Mogi went on, "Who wouldn't be depressed?" He loosened his tie and cleared his throat, and then he hesitated, giving him the impression he wasn't sure how to proceed. "Still, we need a detective. Not a shoulder to cry on."

Aizawa heard a chime on his phone, saying Matsuda had safely arrived at the coffee shop. He nodded to himself, "We can't exactly do a trial run with somebody on this task force, so it's yes or no. Assuming that Matt is an actual officer, what do you think?"

"We can't really trust Near," Ide mused aloud, "Which means it's just the four of us. Reluctantly, I'd have to say that yes, we should bring Matt onto the task force."

"Agreed," Mogi replied, "I would prefer it not be so soon after Light, but Kira won't wait for us to grieve, and maybe having someone around with a clear head would be beneficial and can look at the situations at hand with an unbias perspective. Especially regarding what we learned about Misa and the implications of it."

Aizawa nodded, "Yeah. So Matt's the newest member of the task force. But how are we going to break the news to Matsuda about..." he trailed off, and everyone contemplated for a moment until Matsuda came back with the coffee. 

_At least he got some sleep last night,_ Aizawa thought, deciding to count his blessings. Maybe Matsuda just needed some rest to get close to his usual self. 

"Matsuda," he spoke after a moment, "We decided Matt can join the task force." 

He watched Matsuda's face light up almost like before this whole mess, but he saw the haunted look in his eyes that said he knew the idea that this was basically replacing Light. 

And now it was time for the bad news, "There is something, though, Matsuda, that you need to know." He looked up, looking so tired and yet at the same time innocent. "Remember that Ide and I went to investigate what was found in the autopsy."

"Don't." Matsuda held up a hand, his good mood gone, "I don't want to hear it. The fact you felt the need to wait a day before telling me makes it obvious the gist of what you found. I just don't want to hear the awful details."

Aizawa was taken aback, but nodded, "The evidence is in the corner," he gestured to the corner where the bag was, "If you feel like it."

...

He didn't know what to say or why those words had come out of his mouth. Theories had been racing in his mind up until he had passed out from sheer exhaustion last night, so why was he refusing to hear about it?

Maybe he wanted to fool himself for just a little bit longer, and Ide turned at his desk, "Matsuda, what is Matt's surname?" 

"He didn't say. Actually, he mentioned Matt wasn't his real name either, but it was the name he's been going by for years." 

"A defense from Kira?" Aizawa asked, and Matsuda shrugged,

"I would assume so."

"Well, it doesn't matter, because I found him." Ide replied, "Matt Jeevas. His file is actually pretty well hidden, probably because of the case he's working on."

Mogi towered over Matsuda, his build making him look smaller than ever, but he sounded earnest when he asked, "You okay?"

Matsuda looked up, realizing he had started spacing out a bit, "Yeah, I'm fine. Should I call him today?"

"Sure," Ide replied absently, "Might as well try to actually get something done on this case. Maybe the new guy will have some bright ideas on how to get ahold of Takada since she's got no interest in talking to the police."

Matsuda got out his phone, "Alright. I'll call him."

...

Mello came back after talking to Lidner again, and Matt looked up from where he had been listening in on Misa's daily activities again, "Hey." He sighed, seeing his longtime friend so upset. "Amane bought a pregnancy test." He scoffed, and Mello sat down,

"Have you made sure you're in the system?" Matt nodded,

"Yup. Nobody will ever know I'm not actually an officer, and Matsuda's going to talk to the task force."

Mello looked up again, "Are you—"

"Yes. I promise you, Mel. I can do it." He winked, "But while I'm gone, you get to watch Misa." That got a small chuckle, but Mello still slumped. Matt crossed his arms, "Miheal," Mello looked up with wide eyes since even in the years since he had confided his real name with his best friend, the number of times it had been used could be counted on one hand, so it still caught him by surprise, "I'm worried about you—you're never like this." 

"I'm just frustrated," Mello replied nonchalantly, grabbing some chocolate and eating it, "We were supposed to have been well on our way to capturing Kira. The only thing I've accomplished was destroying a family."

"You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet?" Matt offered, but Mello didn't seem to appreciate it. Matt decided that while he was curious about the relationship between Light Yagami and L since they had been working together for a few months, he wouldn't be telling Mello about it. 

Matt heard his phone, and he picked it up upon seeing it was Matsuda, "That was fast. What's up?"

 _"I talked to everyone else, and they said you can join the task force!"_ Matt brightened, giving Mello a thumbs-up as he nodded,

"That's good news. Should I come over today or wait until tomorrow?"

_"We're trying to get as much progress done on the case as possible, so whichever is more convenient for you."_

"Alright, just give me an hour or two, so I can get changed and maybe grab lunch before I come over, okay? Do you have any tips for my first day? Oh, and I do need an address for the meeting place."

_"I don't have any tips, but I'll text you the address. So I'll see you in roughly an hour and a half?"_

Matt smiled a bit, "Yeah. See you then." He hung up and beamed to Mello, "I got the job."

Thankfully, this did make Mello smile, and his tone returned to normal, "That's good, so now we can get insight into the task force and any leads on Kira, and with you as a member of their group, we will get information before Near does." Matt nodded,

"Right." He walked to the dresser, cringing at the more formal attire he was going to be stuck wearing, and he settled on a white button-up and some black pants. He turned to Mello, "How do I look?" 

Mello smirked, but it didn't reach his eyes, and Matt decided not to say anything as he walked out to the car once he grabbed his fake ID and a wallet. 

"I'm going to grab some lunch if you want to join me." 

"Sure." Mello replied, "Just drop me off somewhere before you get to headquarters."

Mello followed him to the car, falling into the unnatural silence that he had recently developed.

Of course, Matt wanted to help him, but he had no control over his decisions, and he did now have a job to prioritize. Was he actually gonna get paid? So far, he had been getting money through hacking without working a day, so this was going to be a new and exciting experience.

All the same, when they got into the car, Matt found his mind wandering to Matsuda, who did not seem to be getting the help he clearly needed. It was familiar enough, Matt supposed, for people experiencing depression to seek professional help. But he also knew that the thought of an officer doing such a thing was considered a little strange for whatever reason. Perhaps it hadn't crossed his mind to ask anyone for help. Even the blank expression he'd had last night seemed to indicate that he wasn't thinking about anything like that.

There must be other options, though, ways to snap out of it if he tried. It might just depend on how deep the depression really ran. And even then, why would Matt care? He was only doing this to help Mello, and if they avenged L's death along the way, that would be great. 

He could understand why Matsuda was depressed, but Mello's behavior was still highly confusing to him. 

"Hey," Matt said suddenly, and his voice sounded unnaturally loud in the silence of the car. "How would you like to go out for dinner sometime this week? Whatever you want."

He'd never offered to go out to anywhere that wasn't take-out or a drive-thru before, and from the way Mello paused, Matt knew he was surprised. In a moment, he tried to smile as he said, "Oh… No, thanks. I'm fine."

Stopping at a traffic light, Matt couldn't help frowning at him. "You know, you're not supposed to refuse a dinner invitation that casually." He chuckled a bit, teasing as he said, "You could at least make up some excuse."

"An excuse?" Mello looked from where he had been staring out the window, "What kind of excuse do you want me to make up?"

"Hell, I don't know." The light changed, and Matt kept driving, rolling his eyes, "Anything's better than thanks, I'm fine."

Instead of excuses, the silence resumed, and Matt felt foolish. He should have known he'd decline the invitation at his level of disinterest, and, actually, Matt didn't know what difference it would make even if he'd accepted. Mello wasn't going to snap out of his funk simply because they had dinner one night.

He contemplated what to say since he knew why Mello was acting weird, but he still didn't understand why it was affecting him so strongly. Did it have to do with these people having been connected to L? He had a feeling it was a bad idea to ask, but he did want to know. 

They had been thinking of ways to take down Kira for years, so for that plan involving the mafia to crash and burn—literally—due to intervention from Kira himself and leading to the death of an innocent was bound to be demotivating.

But Mello hadn't started acting like this until they heard the news about the suicide. Matt remembered seeing his best friend's eyes widen, and he had begun to shake. It still was confusing to Matt, even now. 

He knew about each person on the task force already. However, he was planning to wait to do extensive research on each one of them until he met them in person, and he knew he would need to dial back just how good at hacking he was so they wouldn't suspect what he had done to place himself in the system as a police officer when he wasn't.

He drove into the drive-thru, ordering and turning to Mello, "Maybe you should take a break. Observing Misa isn't revealing anything promising, so take a day for yourself."

"I'll take a day for myself," Mello snapped, "When Kira is dead." 

Matt paid for the food and kindly thanked the girl who gave them their food, and he couldn't think of anything to say. Surely this was what Kira wanted—for those chasing after him to snap and drive themselves to insanity in their determination. Such thoughts had led to the deaths of Soichiro and Light Yagami, both so desperate and tainted by Kira that the notion of life became unappealing.

_It's a shame that so many people are dying for something so wholly idiotic._

These were good men trying to catch Kira, and while Matt may have been indifferent once, L's death cemented his stance on the false God, so foolish as to lead innocents on a wild goose chase. Matt knew he had to learn about these men fast, especially before Kira did, because if there was something about any of them that could be exploited and lead to their deaths, Matt didn't want to risk Mello blaming himself somehow.

He knew he had to practice what he was going to say his motivations were. Matsuda knew Kira had killed Matt's brother, but what would happen if they found out that "brother" had been L himself? It would inevitably lead to Wammy's, and thus, his connection to Mello would be basically revealed since he had mentioned he was working with someone. He supposed he could drag Linda into this, but he didn't particularly want to do that. 

Would Near sell him out? That was what Matt feared the most because he knew Near was in contact with the task force, and there was no doubt Near would realize what was going on. But then again, Near had never seemed anywhere close to as invested in the "competition" as Mello was.

He thought back to the small child he had known years ago, before meeting Mello. He and Near had been pretty close in the beginning, and they had known each other for years before Mello had arrived at Wammy's, and Near had seemed perfectly content to just play with his toys. Of course, that was before he and Mello had been named successors, but Near just didn't seem the type to give a damn. 

He was probably on this case either out of obligation as the only successor without a criminal record, or to avenge L. To Matt's knowledge, he was happy to work with Mello, so selling Matt out for going undercover shouldn't be a concern.

He ended up dropping Mello off at the Tokyo Union Church, "I'll see you tomorrow? I'll probably be working late tonight to make a good first impression." 

Mello waved, "Yeah, bye." Matt sighed, driving and checking his phone about the time, and he ran over all the things he knew about the task force so far. 

Shuichi Aizawa might become the next NPA Chief, something discovered through getting his hands on some phone calls. To his knowledge, Aizawa did not know about this, but it did mean that he was more than likely the stand-in leader and would be considered the "new L" of the group. 

Kanzo Mogi was friends with Misa Amane and had posed as her manager for a time. This meant he may be reluctant to do anything against her. However, seeing as Aizawa and Ide had discovered some sort of evidence hidden by Light—as learned by listening in secretly to everything in that apartment—it might be easier. 

Hideki Ide he didn't know much about, but through a basic look, nothing extensive, he had learned that Ide and Aizawa had gone to the academy together and had been for the most part inseparable ever since. This was not nearly enough info to utilize, so he would have to dig deeper, but this did give him insight into the relationships of each member, and how if Aizawa ended up out of commission, Ide would be most likely the stand-in.

Touta Matsuda, the one that Matt knew the most about, having gotten the chance to interact with him multiple times. The research was all well and good, but interacting with him in person had shown him things that no amount of hacking and non-personal investigation would reveal.

Matsuda was greatly traumatized by the Yagamis' deaths and had probably seen them as family, and judging by the fear of the color red he was clearly displaying, he had been there and witnessed the scene of the suicide. He had been talking in his sleep and thrashing, which implied this trauma was the final straw, and a dam was breaking. Matt had had to sit next to him through the night while playing video games and make sure he didn't wake up so he wouldn't remember whatever nightmare he had been having. 

He parked and walked up the stairs, looking at the door to headquarters hesitantly before knocking. Knots formed in his stomach as he, for the first time, realized that this was going to be the first time he interacted with a group of people that weren't tied to Wammy's or Mello. Well, they were connected to Wammy's, just not as former residents, rather by working with L.

He suspected they would ask about his "brother" and if Rue had perhaps been one of the FBI agents killed by Kira years ago. But Matt knew if he said Rue Ryuzaki, they would know exactly who he was talking about. It was possible they wouldn't immediately assume he was an associate of Mello and instead be happy to have L's brother on the task force. But turn that on its head, and it could end very badly, especially since he knew both Ide and Aizawa had left the task force at one point or another, probably because of butting heads with L. 

_Alright, focus,_ he took a deep breath as the door opened, _You got this—Mello's counting on you to help take down Kira._

"Matt!" Matsuda was at the door, "Come in. Aizawa's just on a call with Near."

Matt's breath hitched, and he nodded a bit to himself as he came inside, taking off his shoes on instinct. 

The first thing he did upon raising his gaze from the floor was getting a look at everyone and realizing they all looked on the brink of mental or physical collapse. It was like somebody had come and sucked the life out of them. All of them were scoring bags under their eyes and varying severity, and they were all pretty pale. They all looked ill, to put it bluntly.

"Matt's here!" Matsuda announced, and Matt cursed a little as he pinpointed the exact moment Near's attention had been captured.

 _"Matt?"_ Near asked through the screen, and even though his face wasn't visible, Matt could tell the other boy was smirking. 

Aizawa turned a bit to see Matt, "Matt's the newest member of the task force since we lack in manpower at the moment."

There was silence for a moment, and Matt held his breath, but then Near said, _"Alright then. I trust you're going to fill him in on the Kira case details, but please refrain from any new additions in the future until Kira has been apprehended. However, I will say that I've heard of Matt's talents, and he is someone we would benefit from working with."_

Of all the things Matt had considered a possibility, _that_ had not once been one of them. Near was covering for him? He smiled a little but realized he wasn't supposed to have familiarity with Near, so he just smiled a bit, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly,

"Thank you, Near, sir." 

_"Anyway,"_ Near replied as though that encounter hadn't happened at all, _"I would like to discuss the lead you planned to tell me."_

"Yes," Aizawa sat up straight, "With the debunking of the 13-day rule, and in light of recent discoveries, it's been realized that we never really considered the possibility of Misa still being active as either the second or even original Kira. She should be under surveillance once again, especially including her known less than moral behaviors." To say it so lightly was clearly painful, and Matt could tell, "To see if it's possible that Light knew about what was going on and perhaps left clues somewhere." 

Matt was itching to intervene and say so many things, but he noticed a bag in the corner of the room, which he walked towards and searched, finding many intriguing items, but his gaze settled on the photos. One of which was Light with Kira's spokeswoman, and judging by the phone number on the back, they had been more than friends, and the other was of Light and L. Matt smiled at that photo, seeing his older brother figure smiling. Then he listened to the voice recording and was too disgusted to finish listening. 

But this gave him an idea he wanted to put out there because he was positive that talking to Takada would be beneficial for the case. But he knew he had to respect those older than him if he wanted to make a good impression and actually be listened to, so he waited patiently.

 _"Alright,"_ Near said, _"I shall be in charge of putting Amane in custody again."_

"Actually," Matt found himself piping up despite himself, "I listened to the voice recording, and I want to see what Amane's behavior would be regarding Takada. She has bodyguards, right? So it should be no real danger to her whatsoever. It may be a small detail, but if she really is willing to attack anybody who Light was with and seemingly had no distinction between friends and lovers, would she go after someone she knows Light had a history with if given a chance?" He shrunk down a bit, seeing everyone was staring at him, "It's not important, but it would give us a feel for at least the possessiveness she is willing to display." 

"We could look into it," Ide muttered, "But the question is who can put up with her after what we learned?" 

_"So, the next course of action is to talk to Kira's spokeswoman?"_ Near asked, _"I will let you know if I find anything regarding Kira. I look forward to our next call."_ The line went dead, and Aizawa turned to Matt, and Matt bowed a little,

"It's an honor to work with you, sir." He said, and Aizawa seemed slightly bemused. They stared at each other before Aizawa cleared his throat,

"I assume I don't need to debrief you on the danger of being on the task force or that any information you learn here cannot be shared with others."

"It's common sense, sir." Matt sat down on the couch upon being invited to do so, "I've been doing research on the case, and from what I learned, there is some sort of notebook which acts as a sort of vessel for Kira's powers, right?"

Matsuda beamed, "I told you he's good." Aizawa nodded,

"Yeah," he leaned forward a bit from where he sat across from Matt, "The Death Note is Kira's murder weapon, and it was given to him by a Shinigami."

Matt nodded, "I'm guessing there's more than one—perhaps three, as there have been from what I can tell, three Kiras. Higuchi was the third, as his MO does not match the original Kira, who has been around the longest. The second Kira is unclear as there has never been much evidence for him or her, likely due to interference from the original Kira or perhaps forced protection from a police officer." He paused upon seeing their expressions, "Oh. Shit. Sorry, I forgot the first day typically means shut up and listen."

"Normally, I would agree with you," Aizawa said, "But I don't want to waste my time explaining something you clearly already know. So let's just move along and consider a plan of action regarding Takada."

They were all trying to just move on with their lives within two weeks of their friend dying? Maybe it was a coping mechanism, or they just knew they needed to capture Kira quickly, but Matt still found it weird and suspected it was going to bite someone in the ass—and one look at these people had him knowing exactly what order they would all fall apart in.

Matsuda was the one to speak up, "I actually have an idea for that. Who here is good at working undercover?"

...

Near laid on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, so deep in thought that even his toys didn't help him.

Matt had joined the task force—that was the grand plan of Mello's. And it actually was quite clever. Maybe in keeping Matt's secret, Near could show to Mello that this competition between them was pointless and they really could work together. 

Nevertheless, the idea of Matt of all people, who had intentionally kept his test scores low at Wammy's to avoid being on Watari's successor radar, becoming a police officer was extremely amusing, and he was looking forward to seeing how it all played out. It could end up working really well, or in disaster, and for the life of him, Near didn't see any in-between. 

And he wanted to know what would be said when the task force inevitably ended up talking to Takada—Matt's hacking skills made sure they could get on her schedule. While he was willing to give Mello this victory with such a plan of infiltration and perhaps making sure this exhausted group didn't end up working themselves into the ground, Near knew he needed his own one-up.

"Halle," he turned to her, "How would you feel about becoming one of Kiyomi Takada's bodyguards?"

Yes, this was going to be very interesting indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

Mello watched Matt's car go, and he immediately slumped once it was out of view, looking up at the church. Since it was a Wednesday, he didn't expect to find many people inside, so he walked in, head bowed, and letting his hair conceal the scar marring his face.

As expected, he was mostly alone, and he looked up at the cross before resting his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.

The moment he closed his eyes, Soichiro Yagami appeared in his mind, holding the Death Note in his hands and a look in his eyes that he had more than just the notebook to lose. Even then, Mello hadn't blamed the man for hating him after what he had done to Sayu, and to this day, he was shocked by the man's mercy.

_"If you give up, I won't kill you. You have my word on that."_

Surrendering hadn't been an option, _"I'm truly sorry. For what it's worth, I give you my word that I never wanted to kill you,"_ and with those words, a subtle command to one of his fallen men, Soichiro Yagami was struck down. 

Sixteen days later, Light Yagami was found dead.

The thought made him flash back to years ago with L, and his mentor telling him stories, and Mello knew Near already knew all of this since he had already been at the orphanage when it happened, and thus was present for it, of a suicide that drove another to madness and seeking death.

But Light wasn't Beyond Birthday. His role was much more like A, having succeeded in taking his own life, not to prove a point but because he couldn't handle the stress anymore.

_"Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf."_

L had told him that once, and Mello had taken those words to heart. It wasn't in God's plan in gifting him this intelligence for him to be happy, but now he thought back on it. He didn't know much about the Yagami family besides basic things you would find online, and he knew Light had been another like him who was doomed to never find true joy.

And yet it still brought pain to his chest, knowing he had assisted in that pain pushing him past the breaking point.

He flashed back to the death of his own parents. Seeing flashing of fire and hearing the echoes of screams.

Mello felt his rosary and started praying.

"Dear God, I just wanted you to know I—" He paused. Anger spread over his face and rippled through his body. "This is pointless!" He screamed to the surprise of himself and the handful of other people in the church, ripping the rosary off his neck. The red beads unraveled, and he left them strewn all over the floor, storming out of the building and still holding the cross in his hand before stuffing it in his pocket as he stalked down the street.

"If he existed, my parents wouldn't be dead. If he existed, I wouldn't have landed in that wretched place. If he existed, I—" Mello whimpered, burying his face in his hands. He waited for a moment, silent, listening. Looking for a sign, a sign from God that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't all over. 

There was nothing.

 _"Near wouldn't have destroyed a family and driven a potential ally to suicide,"_ a voice that sounded suspiciously like Roger's echoed in his mind, and Mello punched a brick wall, splitting his knuckles open. He watched the blood for a moment before deciding to ignore it.

There was no time to wallow in regret, he reminded himself. With each passing day, Kira was growing more and more ruthless, killing at all hours and for lesser crimes. Already nearly a thousand people died in a given day, and what would it become in the future?

As he walked home, he stared up at the grey sky. Thirteen days until Christmas. It was all part of the plan, but part of him hoped that Matt wouldn't be busy on Christmas. And yet, he knew that since Matt was probably playing the role of the task force's new L, he wouldn't get so lucky.

Soichiro had said Touta Matsuda was the second L, and for a while, Mello had no reason to think it was a lie. However, upon further research, he learned that Matsuda had been at the raid, but Light Yagami had not. Matsuda might be the real second L and just chose to be out on the field, but Mello was more inclined to believe Soichiro hadn't wanted to choose between which of his two children to risk the life of and picked a random officer to fill in that spot. Or from what Matt had said, it was just as likely Matsuda had chosen to let his name be the one given. Light Yagami was the true second L.

Another successor to L was dead by their own hand.

Was this job cursed? As he had pointed out to Near, all it seemed these children trained for greatness were good at was getting killed or killing themselves in their early twenties at the latest.

Fear gripped his heart, not for himself, but for Matt, who he had dragged into this mess. Now, even if he told Matt to get out of it and run somewhere that Kira can't find him, it was too late because his best friend was stubborn and would never abandon him.

"Matt," he whispered, "Please be careful."

OoOoO

After much discussion on the matter, it was agreed that Matt should be the one to do this because he seemed to be closer to Takada's age, and since he hadn't been on the task force very long, it was less likely Kira would suspect anything if he found out about Matt's existence.

Matt looked around as he dialed the phone, and he dialed the number on the back of the photo, knowing he could always do some hacking to get in her schedule if she didn't pick up.

Thankfully, he didn't need to reveal his skillset yet because she did pick up, _"Yes, hello?"_

"Excuse me, Miss Takada, this is Matt Jeevas." He relaxed a bit on the couch. He had no reason to be nervous around these people. "I doubt you know me, but I wondered if I could speak to you privately regarding something I need your help with."

_"And what would that be?"_

Alright. Showtime. He smiled a bit seeing Matsuda giving him a thumbs up, "I'm a Private Investigator hired by the Yagami family. The police believe Light Yagami's death was a suicide, and I've been hired to figure out if there was any truth to that. I got this number from the evidence I found in his room, which made me think you could be of some help."

There was a noticeable hitch in Takada's breath, _"Light? I thought he was killed in the line of duty."_

"That's what I assumed, too, until I was hired. I'll discuss everything with you if we can meet alone, anywhere. I would rather this not get onto the news until we know for sure what happened. As Kira's spokeswoman, I trust you care a great deal about justice." He cringed a little saying those words but coached his face even now to be convincing. 

There was silence for a long moment before Takada responded, _"Well, okay then. After tonight's broadcast has finished."_

Matt grinned, "That sounds perfect. I'll book a hotel room for us."

_"A hotel room?"_

"Just for the sake of a private meeting," he assured, "Not to spend the night in. So I'll meet you there around 9:30, give or take?"

_"Alright. I'll see you tonight."_

They hung up, and Matt popped his knuckles, "Success! So now we need to get the cameras and wiretaps ready." He leaned forward a bit, "On the off chance she asks anything further, I gave a business card for situations like this, but maybe we should call Mrs. Yagami about what we're doing so she can cover for us if needed?"

"She doesn't know about Misa," Mogi pointed out, "Before we tell her what we're doing, someone needs to do that."

Everyone was uncomfortably quiet before Ide finally got the courage to ask, "Who's going to do it?"

"Nobody now, that's for sure." Aizawa muttered, "Come on, Matt, we should get going if we're going to make sure everything's ready for Takada."

"Alright." 

...

Matsuda hadn't been kidding about this kid being talented. Perhaps that was what disturbed him most because while he didn't know Matt's exact age, his mannerisms and appearance implied he was very young.

Matt followed Aizawa obediently, and he turned to the young man as they walked down the stairs, "Matt, how old are you?"

"Nineteen," Matt replied casually, "I'll be twenty in February."

He stopped in his tracks, looking to Matt, "And you're an officer?!" Matt nodded,

"I know you probably think I'm a kid, but in the UK, eighteen is considered an adult and can be earlier in special cases like mine. I didn't exactly have anywhere to go after..." he shook himself, putting his hands in his front pockets, "It's in the past. Besides, I'm intelligent, and isn't that more important as long as I can maintain maturity?"

Aizawa supposed Matt had a point. Still, nineteen and an official police officer when he should be at most a cadet at the academy. Unease made itself known in his stomach, remembering Light hadn't been much younger than Matt when he joined the task force, and his fate was not a happy one. The idea of having a child on this dangerous case again was not something he found anywhere near appealing.

A thought crossed his mind. If this kid was intelligent enough to be an officer so young and talented that even Near had heard of him, was it possible that Matt had come from Wammy's House? Was it out of term to ask that so soon?

He had been praised before, for that natural skepticism which had made him a good officer, enough of an inkling to have an open mind to any possibility. With Light, he had been willing to accept innocent without a doubt since there was a rule that confirmed it, and once it was proven fake, he had once again needed to consider the possibility of it being Light.

He cringed, getting in the car with Matt. How hadn't he been suspicious of how, in hindsight, abnormally okay Light had been after confinement and mock execution? Looking back on it now, it just didn't make sense and learning in the note that it had been a mask, and he was still haunted by it made a lot more sense. But how had he missed it before? Maybe if he had seen it, things would have been different.

But would they? What would have honestly changed if he had known Light had suicidal thoughts? He still would have needed to keep an eye on Light due to the possibility of being Kira. Perhaps even if he had worded things differently to be careful of trauma, Light would have been even more hurt by the suspicion and been pushed over the edge anyway.

Out of the corner of his eye, Aizawa saw movement and turned, eyes wide at what he saw.

Light was sitting in the passenger seat, staring at him as though nothing had happened.

"Light..."

Suddenly, Light lunged at Aizawa, and it was then that he realized it wasn't Light at all, but Matt, who was grabbing the wheel because Aizawa had been veering off into the wrong lane.

"Woah! Woah!" Matt shouted, forcing the car back on track, "You good?"

"Y...Yeah..." Aizawa shook himself, focusing on the road again, "Yeah, I'm alright."

Matt frowned, slumping a bit in his seat, clearly more than a little on edge, "Listen, how about we pull over and switch. You're clearly exhausted." 

"It's fine," he snapped, "We're almost there." Matt backed off, and he looked out the window, so Aizawa decided to change the subject to try to know the newest recruit,

"Why were you at Light's funeral? Did you know him?"

"Hm?" Matt turned to look at him again, "Oh. I didn't know him. Actually, I did it because I was investigating. You have no idea what kind of fascinating information gets leaked at funerals. It gave me a good look at who everyone believed Light to be."

That was... both parts immoral and fascinating. Aizawa hadn't thought to do something like that. "And what did you learn?"

There was silence for a moment, and he took note of the little mouth shrug Matt did unconsciously, though whether he was about to be deceitful or was just unsure of himself was something to be studied later, "I learned that Kira is likely planning to pick off the task force one by one." 

Aizawa tensed, knowing deep down what Matt was referring to, but praying he was wrong, "How so?"

"Kira got in contact with the task force, right? When Mello had the notebook. That means he knows where you are and most likely who. I don't have enough information to figure out if suicide was in the cards for him. I honestly have a hard time deciding if Kira killing him would have been a dumb move or a genius one, because while Light was, from what I gather, the second L, wouldn't he also be an ideal scapegoat? It stands to reason Kira may be using this as a catalyst for something."

Light as Kira's scapegoat...

_"Ryuzaki, listen carefully... I swear I'm not lying... I'm not Kira! I must have been framed. I can think clearly now, and that has to be it."_

It was cruel, the idea that Light really had been a scapegoat, and if they were right about Misa being the Second Kira and the possibility that Light had known but was forced to keep the secret, it was even worse. 

Matt's theory was interesting, if not disturbing. It was worth looking into, even if he didn't want to confront the truth that honestly, he couldn't put past Kira. It all depended on if Light had been killed by Kira or genuinely by himself.

He had told himself that he wasn't going to blame Kira for Light's death until evidence turned up, and they could look at the notebook themselves. They couldn't blame Kira for everything because heart attacks and tragic deaths happened in real life, so anything could happen to any of them, and Kira may not be to blame. He needed to take accountability for being a factor in Light not wanting to live anymore, and to pin it all on Kira... cheapened it.

However, in the face of an unbias observer saying there was a motive, means, and opportunity for Kira to target them all and Light may simply have been the first, he didn't know what to think.

"It's worth looking into," Aizawa admitted, parking, "We're here. I'll check-in, you get the supplies."

It took about an hour to get everything ready, thankfully this wasn't the first time Aizawa had done something like this, and it seemed the same applied to Matt.

"Matt, what kind of cases did you work on in the UK?" He asked, and Matt looked up from where he was adding a camera under one of the tables,

"Nothing much, honestly. A couple homicides, some drug dealers, the mafia at one point... but my passion hasn't ever laid with that. My goal is to finish the Kira case." 

He knew he should be extremely impressed, but something still felt off about this. Matt was nineteen! Sure, Light had been solving cases with the NPA for nearly a decade, but it regardless felt irresponsible having a child in these kinds of situations.

Could Matt really be from Wammy's House? But he wasn't a successor to L, since he clearly wasn't Mello or Near, so the theory didn't make sense unless there was a third he didn't know about?

"What makes you so interested in the case? Matsuda mentioned you had a brother."

 _Way to stay in character._ Aizawa kicked himself as he saw Matt flinch. _Way to be completely blunt and insensitive._

That scene in the bathroom flashed in his mind, of the blood that had stained those walls. And then Light dead in the hospital—those words in the suicide note. 

_"If you hadn't been so suspicious and insensitive, Light would still be here!"_

He shook himself when he saw Matt chuckling a bit, but it lacked any humor, "Yeah. I'll never forgive Kira for what he did." He looked up, "You didn't open an old wound or anything. It happened years ago, and I've long since decided to cope by vowing to avenge his death. You're doing the same, right?"

Aizawa straightened a bit, Ukita's dead body appearing in his mind. That unforgivable act from the Second Kira, "How did you know about that?"

"Just know I have been researching plenty to make sure none of you were in danger. I don't know anything that goes on in your home, but I know plenty about your job and the late Ukita-San." He stood up, clapping Aizawa on the shoulder, "So surely you of all people would understand why I'm doing this."

"Was your brother one of the FBI agents?"

Matt walked over to the large windows, turning back to him absently, "I don't know. Rue never told me much about his work since he was high up on the food chain. But he gave me advice more times than one, and I'm sure that with his guidance, Kira will be apprehended." Aizawa walked over and saw a hollow grin on Matt's face, "You're still surprised that I'm so young and an officer, but with that logic, would Kira worry about me even if he found out?"

"The plan is for you to be assumed by Takada to be at least twenty-one."

"True. But that just proves I wouldn't be taken seriously." He crossed his arms, rolling his eyes, "I doubt it."

Aizawa nodded, pulling out his phone, "Matsuda, how is it?"

 _"Good."_ Came the reply from the other end, _"Audio and video online. No blind spots. The nine o'clock news is just ending."_

"Everything's in order. I'll head back to HQ." He said, and Matt shugged,

"Alright. Try to get some sleep," Matt encouraged, "Or I can always drive your car home, and you can have Ide pick you up."

"I can drive there by myself," Aizawa retorted, leaving the hotel room with a sigh, realizing how just how tired he was. Maybe he did need some rest, but that was for another time, once they had a lead and some answers.

...

Matt would have taken this time alone to relax fully, but given the cameras and wiretaps, he knew he could only do so partially.

God, he needed a cigarette. Would anybody on the task force put up with it? He hoped so but suspected that asking could be awkward.

He settled with looking out the window and seeing the sights before he heard a knock at the door before Kiyomi Takada came in. He turned to her with a smile he hoped was charming since he had been practicing in the mirror, but it still felt odd.

"Thank you for meeting me tonight, Miss Takada. Please, have a seat." He gestured to the plush chair across from the one he sat himself down in, and she followed suit, "Sorry, I don't have any drinks to offer—this discussion would probably call for that, but seeing as I'm a total stranger, I doubted you would want to accept anything from me. Here's my business card," he handed her the card, "If you still have doubts about me."

Kiyomi took the card and examined it for a moment, her brow furrowing, "England?"

Matt nodded somberly, knowing he needed to put up a show to convince her, "Yes. My older brother, may he rest in peace, worked with the late Chief, so it made sense for me to be hired."

"I suppose it does," she sighed, "It's hard to believe that Light's actually gone. While I am happy to help, why are you asking me? Wouldn't asking Misa Amane be more helpful?" Matt's brow furrowed, hearing that bitterness in her tone. Was it jealously of Light having been with Misa, or was it something more?

He didn't get any time to ask about that because her phone rang, and she dug into her bag,

"Please excuse me." Her eyes then widened, "Kira..."

...

Matsuda's eyes widened, "She just said it's Kira!" Aizawa ran over from where he was drinking some coffee and trying to clear his head on the couch, his eyes now glued on the monitors with Matt. Matsuda sucked in a breath, just as panicked as everyone else.

Aizawa had told them about Matt's theory about them all being targeted. What if this was the moment Kira learned about Matt's existence? They had planned for that, sure, but the idea brought him so much unease that he felt ill.

 _"It's your fault if he dies,"_ Matsuda gasped quietly as that voice appeared in his mind, _"You dragged him into this."_

"Kira's contacting her directly!" Ide was clearly panicking, and Matsuda had to get up, feeling the burning need to check the bathroom, handing his headphones to Aizawa, and running into the room.

No blood and no corpses were hiding for him to discover. The paint had been redone, so there was no trace of Light's body having ever rested there.

And yet, that was all he could see, and he splashed his face with water from the sink, taking deep breaths.

"Matt's going to be fine..." he vowed, "I won't let him die too."

He again looked to that spot he still remembered sitting upon, clutching Light's dying form, and he choked on a sob as the blood was all he could see, and he envisioned Light, the Chief, and what if this happened to Matt? Nausea overtook him, and he lurched to the toilet, unloading the minimal contents of his stomach.

...

"You should answer it." Matt said sweetly, "Actually, one of the things my client wanted me to find out is if Kira was the one to do the deed. Regardless, I would hate to get in the way of your work."

Kiyomi's expression changed, a little bit of fury in her eyes, "Kill Light?"

"Or, more specifically," Matt corrected to calm her. The last thing he needed was an argument about their beliefs, "Did the Second Kira do it. The one who had no qualms killing innocents probably just to get into the pants of the original." That visibly relaxed Kiyomi, who wasn't able to argue with that assessment.

"I see." She answered the phone, "Hello? No, I'm with someone right now. Yes, we're alone. He wanted to meet me to discuss an ongoing investigation. Not into the Kira case. It's about Light Yagami's death, but there is a theory the Second Kira had something to do with it?"

Matt bit his lip. _If luck is on my side, I can get on the phone myself and see who's talking._

"Hm?" Kiyomi looked up, "He said that he wants to speak to you."

Matt's brows rose in surprise. _Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a God._

...

Mogi had seen Matsuda run into the bathroom. All of them had, and Aizawa was in the middle of getting up when Mogi stopped him,

"I'll check on him."

"She's passed the phone to Matt." Ide announced, "It could be dangerous if he's the real thing."

Mogi walked into the bathroom, seeing Matsuda heaving over the toilet. Without thinking, he sat down with the younger man, holding his hair back and keeping a comforting hand on his back as Matsuda continued retching, tears spilling down his face.

"I'm here, Matsuda," he tried in an attempt to soothe his friend, who eventually calmed, seeming nothing if not exhausted, and continued to weep. Mogi couldn't think of anything else than clean his mouth and then hold him, "I'm here."

...

Matt held the phone to his ear, "Yes, hello?"

_"Who am I speaking to?"_

_Damn,_ Matt cursed, _Distorted voice. Well, you win some, you lose some._

"I'm a private investigator. I am of no concern to you, but how can I trust you're the real Kira or at least the original?"

 _"Turn to Sakura TV,"_ was the immediate reply, and Matt subtly conveyed it to the task force,

"What's that? Sakura TV?"

...

Aizawa was snapped from worrying about Matsuda when he heard Matt's message, "Quick! Let's check it out!" He changed the channel as Mogi helped Matsuda out of the bathroom, and judging by how Matsuda was once again pale and shaking, something had happened.

It turned out things were even worse upon changing the channel to Sakura TV, which was once again trying to bring Kira back to their program, only for everyone on screen to die.

"This is bad!" Aizawa whispered softly, eyes wide, "He's the real thing."

Matsuda looked up, taking his headset back, only now he had a blanket over his shoulders and had grabbed himself some wine. Mogi tried to take the glass, only for Matsuda to take it back and drink from it.

...

"Alright," Matt muttered as he watched the television, "That's fair, they really need to stop trying. But how do I know this is the original?" 

_"And why would you want to know that?"_

"So that I can know the chances of getting an honest answer to my questions involving my own investigation into the death of Light Yagami." He played with a strand of his hair as he got up and began pacing, "If you were to learn the Second Kira was a sexual abuser, what would you do?"

He took note of the hesitation, _"The same that I would with any other criminal."_

"Good to know. So can you give it to me straight if you killed Light Yagami? I was hired to figure out if it was murder or suicide."

 _"I was led to believe Light Yagami died by suicide."_ Was the reply that Matt was pretty sure even with the voice distorter was a concerned one, _"If another Kira killed him is not something I am aware of."_

That wasn't the most significant revelation in this, "I'm sorry, I know this is unrelated, but did you say _other_ Kiras?" The line went dead, and Matt sighed, looking at the phone, "Figures."

...

"Other Kiras?" Matsuda's eyes widened, "There's more than the Second Kira?" Ide nodded,

"That's what it sounds like, and it certainly doesn't bode well. Kira could have been just referring to the Second Kira, but seeing as there have been three people in the past, and the rules of the notebook state up to seven can be in the human world, it doesn't bode well."

Aizawa noticed Matsuda was trembling and put a hand on his shoulder, "Matt's going to be okay, Matsuda."

Matsuda nodded, but it was clear he was distracted, "I hope so."

...

Matt handed her back her phone, "I'm not going to bore you with my sympathy as that is seconds wasted. I know it must be hard to be talking about Light."

"No. I am eager to discuss what I know." She straightened a little more, "But before I do so, what do you already know?"

"I know he was sexually abused by Misa Amane for years and restricted from seeing people. I also know he was dealing with severe trauma from an event five years ago, and he was a police officer working alongside his father. The case before Deputy Director Yagami's death involved the kidnapping of Sayu Yagami by the mafia, rendering her in a stupor indefinitely. Light was in charge of the raid with the mafia and blamed himself for his father's death. However, would any of this cause felo de se?"

"For most people, I can understand why it would," Kiyomi put a finger under her chin, "But Light's always been different. If I had to guess, it has something to do with Amane." She looked up to him, digging into her purse, "The last time I saw Light was a little over a year ago, and I picked up this." She pulled a folded piece of paper and gave it to Matt, whose eyes widened.

This paper was a list of rules Misa had given to Light.

Somewhere between "you're not allowed to have a single girl's phone number except your mom and sister," "we are to go on a legit date once every two weeks at least," and "I am allowed to do a phone and computer check whenever I please," Matt found himself unable to read anymore. Whether this was because the rules were awful or all the glitter and unnecessary highlighting and underlining were hard to look at, he didn't know.

But one rule caught his attention: "If I catch you around another girl, I'll kill her, and you'll pay. :)"

"That's... wow." Matt bit his lip, "And you said you met up with him?" Kiyomi nodded,

"Yes. I didn't know about the rules then, but Misa wasn't home." 

May 13th, 2011

Kiyomi had been packing her bag to get home for the weekend when her phone rang in the elevator. She frowned, checking and seeing who was calling, her eyes wide as she saw "Light Yagami" was the listed contact. 

What was Light doing calling her so late? They weren't together and hadn't been for a long time. What was going on? 

Still, she would hardly pass up a chance to see Light again since he had become so reclusive after vanishing to who knows where for nearly six months in their first year, "Hello?"

 _"Ki'omi?"_ Already she knew something was wrong. Light sounded almost drunk, but she could already tell there was more to this.

"Yes, it's Kiyomi. Light, are you okay?"

_"N-No. I don't...I don't know..."_

She frowned, "Why don't you call Misa Amane, since you've been seeing her for years."

_"Not Misa. Please...help."_

Light asking for help? Dread filled her as she remembered Light mentioning years ago that he only ever asked someone for help if he was desperate.

"Alright." She picked up the pace and headed to her car, "Light, you need to get somewhere safe, and I'll come pick you up. Are you in any danger? Where are you?"

_"Home."_

So Light had already gotten away from whatever it was, so why did he need help now? She shrugged, deciding to worry about that once she got to Light's apartment. Thankfully, she remembered Light mentioning Misa bought them an apartment, like a gift since they started dating, so assuming they hadn't moved since then, she knew where they lived.

"Light, I need you to keep talking to me, okay? Do you feel sick?" She got no response, and she noticed the call was still going, "Light? Light!"

Upon still getting no answer, Kiyomi briskly got in the car and went as fast as she could to Light's apartment, getting to the door she was pretty sure was his and checking to see it was locked. Thankfully, it wasn't.

She opened the door hesitantly and looked around the pleasantly furnished apartment, "Light?" She spoke into her phone, "Light?" She heard her voice from the phone down the hall and opened the door to that room, seeing a canary chirping, but more importantly, Light was lying unmoving on the floor.

Kiyomi ran over to his side and immediately checked for a pulse and breathing, grateful to find both even if they were too slow for her liking, and she shook him to see if he would wake up, and thankfully he opened his eyes a little bit,

"You came," he smiled a bit, but his words were so slurred that it took her a moment to realize what he was saying as tremors wracked his admittedly too-thin frame. 

Kiyomi nodded, her eyes widening as she recognized these symptoms from stories other girls at their college would tell, "Light, were you drugged?"

Light didn't respond, just staring blankly up at her as though he no longer recognized her. She helped him up, unnerved by how easy it was compared to what she had prepared herself for.

"Come on, we should get you to the hospital."

"No," Light whispered, but he was clearly struggling to even keep his head up, so his insistence that they shouldn't go to the hospital was rendered null.

As Kiyomi helped him walk down the hall, something caught her eye, of a wine glass discarded on the table with a piece of paper in front of it. And walking by, she got a look at it, and upon seeing it wasn't anything for work, put it in her purse while she continued helping Light down the stairs and to the car.

If Light had been drinking, was it possible he was just drunk? No, even a couple glasses of wine wouldn't do this to someone. He must have been drugged, but _how_ , if judging by the sleep clothes he was wearing, he had been at home, probably alone?

Light was able to sit in the passenger seat on his own, and he squinted a bit, pressing his palm to his eyes. She frowned, "What's wrong?"

She then noticed something she had never seen before since Light usually wore long sleeves when right now, he was wearing a simple grey t-shirt.

Scars on his wrists. Not like a knife or small burns. No, these looked almost like rope burn or marks from shackles, and his left wrist was noticeably littered with more marks. In the dark of the night, with only a streetlamp and the glow of buildings in the city, she couldn't get a good look at it, but whatever it was, Light shouldn't have it. 

Kiyomi got in the car and began the drive, shaking Light a bit to keep him awake. Maybe they could start a conversation? "What have you been doing lately?"

"Hm?" Light blinked a few times sleepily, and she tried another question that didn't require as much thinking,

"What were you reading at the table?" She planned to read it herself, but this was a good way to figure out how lucid Light actually was.

He looked up slightly, mouthing a word before giggling slightly. Kiyomi bit her lip, placing her hand on Light's momentarily to assure him, before putting both hands back on the wheel and putting on her turn signal,

"So, where is your dear Misa when you need her most?" There was a little more bitterness to the mention of the model who had stolen her boyfriend than she would have cared to admit, but she wasn't super angry about it.

All Light did was hum a little in response.

They sat in silence for a little while, and from time to time, Kiyomi would shake Light awake, noticing that he was trembling, so she pulled over and gave him her jacket, leaving her in just her white blouse and dark blue pants. He looked up at her with a somewhat clouded gaze,

"Ryu?"

Kiyomi's brow furrowed as she got back in the car, "Ryu?"

A thought occurred to her, and she wondered how she hadn't thought of it immediately. Hideki Ryuga, their classmate who had passed away four years ago, who Light had seemed rather close with. The police had said he died in a car accident, but since he had vanished around the same time Light did, she had never been entirely convinced. 

They finally arrived at the hospital, and Kiyomi supported Light, bringing him into the waiting room of urgent care, and sat him down on a chair, where he slumped. She had to steady him before heading to the front desk, only to find the process of checking in was arduous without any information about Light's doctors, and Light himself being extremely out of it.

Eventually, after showing her ID and explaining how she had come across Light, the receptionist helped them back into a room for Light to be cared for, and a drug test was taken to see what date-rape drug had ended up in his system. Light's emergency contact was also called.

Kiyomi sat bedside with Light in the room he had been checked into. He occasionally whimpered and tried to move, beginning to softly cry. It didn't take a genius to know that Light was in the throes of a nightmare.

While she waited, she had started looking over the paper Light had been reading, feeling sick as she realized Light's strange behavior upon returning from wherever he had been made a lot more sense. Despite herself, her heart fluttered at the idea he had been trying to protect her and had only called when it seemed Misa was out of town, and he needed help.

She looked up from the paper, quickly putting it in her bag when she heard panicked shouting from outside the door, and Light's father ran in and to his son's side. He looked like he had been pulled out of bed and had simply thrown on clothes with no regard for anything besides his hospitalized son.

"What happened?" He asked her, and she shrugged,

"Light called me asking for help, and I found him in a heap on the ground, not properly responding to anything. On the way here, he ended up mistaking me for our old classmate, Ryuga."

To her surprise, Chief Yagami's expression darkened at the mention of Ryuga, with a hidden sadness in those eyes, "I see... Thank you for caring for my son and for bringing him here."

"It's no trouble, Yagami-San," she got up, "Do you want me to stay, or do you need a moment alone with him?"

"It's late," Chief Yagami said softly, holding Light's hand and attempting to soothe him through his nightmare, "You should head home. If he doesn't remember what happened tonight, I'll let him know you helped him."

Kiyomi nodded, frowning at Light's scarred wrists, which were just as bad as she had assumed, "If you don't mind me asking, what happened to his wrists?"

Chief Yagami hesitated, looking down at Light as well, "That's something Light should tell you. I'm not the right person to explain it."

"I understand," she thought about the rule sheet in her purse, "If you don't mind, would you please keep my encounter with Light a secret from Miss Amane? She's rather possessive of Light, and I don't want his relationship to be in jeopardy if she gets the wrong idea."

She could tell Chief Yagami right now what Misa had been doing to Light. Reading over those rules, Kiyomi was sure that Misa was sexually abusing Light and using her power as a famous model and actress to keep him in line. If she wanted to help him, she needed to make a case with no doubt about the truth.

But then what? Kira had yet to change the sexual assault and abuse laws, and while she was confident that he would, as it stood, men were not even considered victims. Any sex-related crime was only prosecuted on a coin flip. Even then, the punishment was minimal, so adding on Misa's status meant she would get away scot-free, and only Light's reputation and potentially his life would pay the price.

She sighed as she left the room, unsure of what to do.

Present Day

As Kiyomi told her tale, Matsuda found himself increasingly ill at the realization that the Chief had probably been lied to about how this happened. If Light had told the truth about any of this, it was common knowledge that the Chief would have gotten Misa away from Light no matter what, even if he couldn't have her arrested.

It made him ill, and he found himself looking at the bag with the voice recording and the diary, afraid of what he would learn if he looked in there.

Light must have known that he had people who would help him... at least he had before the Kira accusations started up again. It hurt, suspecting that Light had known he could get help, but hadn't to protect them.

The image Kiyomi had painted of Light crumpled on the ground, weak and with scarred wrists, sent shivers up his spine. Looking back now, Matsuda realized that Light was always wearing long sleeves, so he had never seen these marks that had most likely come from confinement, and later the handcuff connected him to L.

But trying to picture the scars made him remember the last time he had seen Light, laying in the bathroom with his wrists cut open and blood spilling out at a rate too fast to stop.

Another wave of nausea crashed upon him, and he took deep breaths, pushing his drink away to focus on what was going on. He barely noticed the comforting hand Aizawa had on his shoulder.

...

"Kiyomi," Matt tried after she had fully composed herself, "If it's alright, I would like to keep working with you. I've admired your work as a host and believe you share the ideals necessary to ensure justice prevails." _We might be able to find Kira this way,_ was what Matt was actually thinking, but if he was careful with how he worded his end of the conversation, he might be able to deceive her without lying. 

The best way to deceive someone is to tell them the truth.

Near had sometimes said it, and since Matt had no idea what the hell he was doing, he decided it was in his best interest to listen to the advice others had shared over the years, and pray it would help him get by as a detective.

Kiyomi clenched her fists, "Even if Light really did take his own life, I cannot forgive Misa Amane for what she did to him and how she would get away without punishment, or else support for Kira would vanish." Matt crossed his arms, realizing just how big of an issue Misa's status would provide, and then he brightened,

"Here's the thing, I actually have an idea. The key to this is to prove and collect evidence that she is dangerous. Sexual abuse and assault crimes are rarely prosecuted, and men aren't even legally considered victims. It's a cruel and corrupt system I personally believe Kira should have changed as soon as possible."

"I agree."

"That won't be enough though, even with your testimony and this list added onto the evidence found, it won't mean anything against a celebrity." He got up and started pacing, "Even if you used your status as Kira's spokeswoman, it would be considered drama with little substance. We need to see just how far she would be willing to go." He perked up and turned to her, "Kiyomi, if it's alright, I would like to have you begin talking to Miss Amane, imply that you and Light kept in contact even after Misa had forbidden it. You have bodyguards, so it shouldn't be too big of a risk." Deciding to push his luck, he sat down again, _"And_ if she's the Second Kira, she can't do anything without facing the wrath of the original and screwing herself over in the eyes of the police."

Her posture straightened, "Of course, but wouldn't it be obvious what we're trying to do? She's kept this up for years."

"Indeed, but I've actually gotten in contact with some police officers who the Yagami family were close to." He absently popped his fingers, which made Kiyomi cringe a bit as he talked, "One of them worked on the Kira task force five years ago when Misa was under suspicion, and he worked as her manager at the time." He relaxed in the chair, "If we have Misa, say, make a comeback and tell her it's for avenging Light's death, she'll have no choice but to agree, and that's when we see what happens."

Kiyomi leaned forward, smirking a bit, "I feel like you and I could be good friends," Matt nodded,

"We'll bring drinks to the next meeting. Let me know when you're free, and I'll make time." He stood up, grabbing his jacket, "Thank you for this information, Miss Takada. If you don't mind, may I take this rule sheet with me? I've been collecting evidence, and alongside what Light had collected, I might be able to provide enough of it that Misa at least ends up on Kira's radar."

"What evidence did Light collect?"

"A journal documenting what was happening and a voice recording." They both got up and walked out to leave, "I look forward to working with you." 

"Same here," she bowed just the slightest bit and walked out of the hotel room, and Matt looked around the room, pulling out his phone, "How'd I do, guys?"

"Great!" Matsuda encouraged, "Just check out and get the cameras and wiretaps, and we'll be here to discuss what we learned." 

Matt nodded and hung up, grabbing everything and checking out, calling a cab to bring him to headquarters, and when he got back, he saw the task forced gathered around on the couches. Matsuda looked ill, and Ide looked up at Matt,

"Matt, that plan with Kiyomi wasn't something we discussed."

"I know," Matt admitted, looking down at the floor, "But I thought that this might be the way we trap Kira." He was quiet before hesitantly looking up to see the reaction of the others. What was he even doing taking charge? He had made sure he would never become an official successor to L for a reason. He wanted to help Mello, so maybe that was why. But he wasn't Mello or Near—he wasn't a leader. So why should he be pretending he was?

It seemed the others had noticed his silence, and Mogi looked to him, "Matt, what is your idea?"

He took a deep breath, relaxing and beginning to pace, letting his hand gestures assist in making his point, "Takada clearly hates Misa more than she supports Kira. If Misa is the Second Kira, that means that Kira is protecting her, and he will have to kill or expose her, or Takada will turn against him and who knows what she could reveal."

"He could easily kill her first." Aizawa pointed out, "And do we even trust her?"

Matt sat down, smiling a bit to himself, "You know, there's an old piece of advice I heard as a child."

Ide frowned, "And what would that be?"

"When you start to wonder whether you can trust someone or not, that is when you already know that you don't. However, trust is different from the difference between belief and doubt, which aren't necessarily opposite."

Matsuda cocked his head, and a look of both curiosity and dread crossed Aizawa's face, "Huh?"

"I do doubt her," Matt explained, "But I still want to believe her. Belief lies at the heart of this conflict. Because if there's no room for doubt, then there's no room for belief, is there?"

"I don't get it," Matsuda replied, brows furrowed, seemingly deep in thought, so Matt elaborated,

"If you want to believe in someone, you need to overcome doubt first. Belief, without doubt, is simply a lie."

...

Aizawa thought about what Matt was saying, realizing both to his growing horror and relief, that the young man was dead on.

The 13-day rule had created belief without a doubt in Light's innocence, but that had proven to be a lie.

He had wondered if he could trust Light, and he felt sick, realizing that he had stopped trusting Light the moment the rule had been debunked. Yet, while that seed of doubt had been planted, he still had at least some belief left that Light was innocent.

Looking back now, he wondered if his doubt about Light had really been what drove him to what he did, or if it had been merely the final straw on top of everything else. Had been the suspicion itself, or the idea of surveillance?

Light must have known a basic idea of what Matt was saying. Maybe that was what had allowed him to power through last time. He had admitted himself in the letter that he had understood the accusations. Was there anything Aizawa could have said differently to make things not seem hopeless for Light?

So many questions made themselves known, he almost didn't hear what Matt had said next.

"Because of that, I want to look into the possibility that Takada herself is a Kira."

...

Matsuda considered Matt's words, feeling like a moron because it seemed everyone else understood, and he was the only one who had been taught that belief and doubt were opposites.

But when he looked up at their newest member, he didn't see Matt. He saw Light. These words even sounded like something Light or Ryuzaki would have said—well, maybe less Ryuzaki, but he could still hear that monotone voice saying this.

He squeezed his eyes shut as the memory of the great detective falling silent mid-sentence and then tipping over to his death with little warning brought itself to the forefront of his mind. He should have known what would happen to L that day, and looking back now, the look on L's face and that little frightful mewl of his mentor's name made it clear that L had suspected what was about to be his fate.

Ryuzaki... Ukita... the Chief... Light... their deaths had seemed so sudden and out of nowhere, but hindsight truly was powerful, because thinking back on it, all four of these deaths had signs to them, and if he had only been smarter, he could have prevented it. 

He then realized what Matt was saying about Takada, and he perked up, "A Kira?"

Matt bit his lip, and Matsuda noticed that the young man's hands were shaking, "When I was on the phone with Kira, it was mentioned that there are others, and thus the one I was talking to might not know if Kira is to blame for Light's death." He shrugged just a bit, "I say might because the voice scrambler made it hard to be sure of the tone, and even then, they may be lying." His eyes widened a little as he looked to them all, "If you don't mind, may I see the notebook? I want to look into the rules."

"Sure," Ide replied, and all of them got up, and Matsuda cursed, realizing that Light had died with his pin number, so they might not even be able to open it.

But when they opened the secret part of the wall to reveal the safe, Matsuda noticed a post-it note with a pin number and a note taped on it.

_I know you'll need this when I'm gone. Maybe it would be best to leave this thing hidden in a place it's impossible to reach if I died with my pin, but for whatever reason, you may find a need for it._

_I wish you the best._

Matsuda had to squeeze his eyes shut as it really sank in like a slap to the face that Light had been planning his death. This must have been placed there the night before he did it, and he felt like an idiot. He had been in headquarters with Light that night, but he had fallen asleep. He had given Light all the time he needed to set this up.

He looked to the others after putting his own and Light's pin number in, and he noticed that everyone else was pale and had varying emotions on their faces. Except for Aizawa, who's face was completely blank and unreadable at this moment.

"Aizawa?" Matsuda asked hesitantly, "Are you okay?"

Without a word, Aizawa punched in his own pin number and took out the notebook, handing it to Matt, who took it gratefully and began flipping through the pages.

...

Light's death had been premeditated. 

It was possible, Aizawa supposed, that he had been controlled by Kira. But could the control of a person really go that far? And how would Kira even know about the safe? Perhaps Ryuk had told him? If Kira did know and had the power to make them all write down their pin numbers, why not kill them all, collect the notebook, and use it to forward his agenda? If Kira wasn't part of the task force, that wouldn't have been detrimental to his victory overall. 

Thankfully, this meant that Matt's theory about Kira picking them all off was less likely. However, this could also mean there was a chance to save Light from himself, and nobody had realized it. 

He handed Matt the Death Note, and he looked over it. 

...

Matt sucked in a breath, holding this notebook that had caused so many tragedies in the last six years. He felt as though power was flowing through his veins from the moment his hands rested upon it, whispering his name and goading him to write a name within it. It reminded him of his cigarettes—which, speaking of which, he needed one of as soon as possible. The others had probably gotten used to the strange feeling from the notebook.

"Matt?" Mogi's words snapped him out of it, "Is something wrong?"

He shook himself, "No," he chuckled humorlessly, "It's just hard to believe something like this could be the culprit of so much." He opened the book and flipped through the rules, "Wow, a lot of these make sense, but some are just plain obscure." 

After a couple moments reading through the rules, he found what he was looking for, but it was worse than he could have imagined.

"Six functioning notebooks can be in the human world at any time. That means there is a maximum of five people with the Death Note who could be acting as Kira." He bit his lip, "What if you just used a page? If one Kira gives someone a bunch of pages, they would also serve as Kira, giving each other alibis as long as we only think there are two." He tore out a page, holding it up and seeing it didn't turn to dust. He frowned a little bit before striking a match and burning the sheet away.

Ide's eyes widened, "T-That means..."

"The only way to end this case once and for all is to collect six Death Notes and render any others void," Aizawa said softly, "But that still begs the question of if the ones we collect are inactive, do they count? Or is it just the first six to arrive that work?"

"And can you make a new Death Note?" Matt asked, not seeing any rules about it, but his words clearly sent panic through everyone else,

"Make one?!"

"Take some pages from the notebook and turn it into a new Death Note." Matt bit his lip, "Is this possible? Do you need a Shinigami for it?" He stood up, putting the Death Note back in the safe, bowing his head, checking the time and seeing it was a little past midnight. "We should all head home and get some sleep so we can pursue these leads and theories in the morning."

He was met with various agreements as everyone wished each other a good night, and Matt headed down to his car, taking his first day as one hell of a success.

He quickly drove home and found Mello was asleep on the couch. Matt smiled softly, draping a blanket over his dear friend.

"Sweet dreams, Mel," he whispered, getting another suit ready for tomorrow and getting ready for bed himself.

OoOoO

"We got 'em!" Matsuda said with forced cheer, "Both Yoshida Productions and NHN are practically begging us now. It looks like Misa's comeback plan was a success."

"Matt," Mogi turned to Matt, "How did you manage to pull this off so quickly?" It had only been a day since Matt had joined the task force, and already things were moving along faster than they had in years. 

Matsuda tried to avoid cringing as he thought about Light, who had done a fantastic job as the new L, and he would have loved Matt if he had gotten to meet him. Maybe all they had needed was a new perspective. L had gotten stuck for a while, and then Light joined, and it was over fast. No... this wasn't relacing Light, even if it felt like they were.

Matt just shrugged in response, "I'm good at getting people to listen, and since everyone has wanted to work with Amane, it was pretty easy." His brow furrowed, "So has anyone talked to Misa about this."

"She's..." Mogi sighed, "She says she'll do it, but seems to be under the impression we're investigating Kiyomi about Light's death."

"Kiyomi wouldn't kill Light," Matsuda said quietly, "Even if she is using pages of the notebook." 

"Right now, we're trying to figure out if Misa is the Second Kira." Aizawa pointed out, "Misa can believe what she wants to because we will eventually be investigating Takada."

"This is beneficial regardless," Ide grinned, "These days, it's nearly impossible to get into NHN, but this will get us full access, and we can investigate both Amane and Takada."

 _This plan..._ Matsuda realized, _It's just like one Light would have thought of._

"Mogi will be gaining entrance as Misa's manager," Matt paced, "And Takada expects that. She knows he's part of the police, and having someone who can go in and out freely will come in handy." He paused, "I did think of one possible issue."

"What's that?" Matsuda asked, and Matt looked to him with a worried look in his blue eyes,

"Does Misa have her memories?" He gestured to the safe behind the wall where the Death Note resided, "She may have renounced ownership sometime after Light died; since Kira surely knew about the death, he may have told Misa to forfeit her notebook to not implicate her. The question is if she would still give the same violent threats without those."

"We were all forced to spend time with her when the original L was alive." Aizawa pointed out, "I can safely say that the chances are probably yes."

The conversation was cut short by the monitor turning on, and Near's voice could be heard, _"This is Near."_

...

Matt turned to the monitor and rushed over to the desk, curious as to what the young detective wanted,

"Yes, sir? What is it?" It would never stop being weird that he was referring to someone he _knew_ was younger than him as sir.

_"I'm following through with my goal to arrest Kira, and that's why I'm in Japan now."_

Matt's brow furrowed. Sure, he had known full well that Near was in Japan and had been for a little while, but he had been under the impression it was hidden for a reason. Were they just fully settled in now? "You're in Japan? Does that mean we're planning on meeting up?"

_"Not quite yet. I presume you've already contacted Takada for the purposes of your own investigation."_

"Yeah," Matsuda chimed in, "We actually have her involved in a plan to take down Misa and figure out if she's the Second Kira, and if we're lucky, we might be able to turn her against Kira."

"I'm in the process of investigating her," Matt clarified, "Posing as a P.I hired to learn more about Light's death. My discussion with her already showed great promise."

Near was quiet for a moment before there was a small chuckle, _"Your skills are just as impressive as I had heard. I must say I'm impressed. For the time being, it's a given that if we want to get any closer to capturing Kira, we'll have to keep an eye on Kiyomi Takada and NHN in general."_ Matt spun around in his chair, turning to the task force,

"Okay, quick question, was nobody doing this with Sakura TV? I know it's Sakura TV, but it's been five years. "

"Everything said there could be taken with a grain of salt," Aizawa explained, "And even then, it was typically tapes we could get a copy of." Tapes? What was this, the 70s?

"I see." He pressed the button to communicate with Near again, "Anyway, you were saying, Near?"

_"I want you to pass on a message. Inform Takada that, as of now, several SPK members have entered Japan in order to catch and arrest Kira."_

Matt's brow furrowed, "Huh? But why do that? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to stay out of these matters? I'm supposed to be an indifferent P.I working on investigating Light's death alone, and any tie to Kira is only to solve the case she believes I was hired for."

_"True. I didn't mean you personally. Just make sure she gets the message. I'm sure with your talents you'll find a method. Nevertheless, the reason is to lure Kira out of hiding."_

Near was testing him right now, Matt knew it, subtly mentioning his abilities as a hacker, and now seeing how dedicated he was to the story, he was using and solving this case. He had to do this, because he was sick and tired about all he heard about from television, or even on the streets being something involving Kira. Was this what medieval times were like with God being the topic of all conversation? It seemed incredibly tedious.

He stood up in a perfectly portrayed outrage. _Alright Near, if you want to play, I will too._

"Near, are you insane?!" He snapped with more anger than was probably called for, "We all remember what happened to the FBI agents five years ago, and they were a goddamn secret. My brother _died_ on a harebrained mission like that, and I have no interest in endangering more officers."

Silence echoed through the room with only Matt's heavy breathing being heard, before Near finally spoke again,

 _"I understand perfectly how you feel. I, too, lost someone dear to me in this investigation."_ He hesitated, _"However, now we know how Kira acts, and we can use that to plan his moves, and we cannot catch him without taking risks. As the spokesperson of Kira, it makes sense for somebody to get that information to Takada, and you could even pretend L is speaking to tell her this._

Matt slumped, feigning defeat, "Alright, fine. I can find a way for her to learn about it. Anything else?"

 _"Yes. I also want you to mention the following to Takada, so she'll relay it to Kira. In total, there are only four active members of the SPK, that includes me. Kira won't be able to resist such an opportunity. Knowing him, he won't run. Instead, he'll try to kill us before we get to close."_ Matt smacked his forehead, 

"How have there only been, what, fifteen people globally who have the balls to stand up to Kira?"

"Seventeen." Matsuda corrected, "There were two more people with us five years ago. They..." he sighed, "Aren't around anymore."

 _"There used to be more members of the SPK,"_ Near said, _"But after the notebook got into Mello's hands..."_

"That's not better!" He threw his free hand up in exasperation, "It's just proving my point even further that revealing how few people there are on the task force or SPK is an insane plan that will end in someone dying."

_"Not if I beat him at his own game."_

"What?" Matt snarked, "Murder everybody first?"

 _"Of course not, don't be foolish. My goal is to make sure justice prevails."_ Near stared as though it was obvious, but Matt knew full well that Near most likely was just wanted to chop Kira's dick off out of sheer spite, _"We are quite close to each other. Who knows? We might have a chance to meet face to face."_

Matt frowned at the sudden topic change, realizing Near was talking directly to him with that last comment, but he knew he had to keep his voice steady to not let anyone be suspicious of him, "I hope so, but for now, my priority is another plan."

_"I look forward to meeting you when the time is right. We'll finish this Kira matter once and for all."_

Matt nodded, "Agreed." He looked at little bit to the others, "This whole thing is a damn circus. There's a lot going on, and everybody's far too loud."

The line went dead, and he noticed an odd look on Aizawa's face, "Aizawa? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. You just remind me of someone."

Deciding not to push it, Matt just nodded, "Alright then. Does anybody have any suggestions for what to do next? Matsuda?" Matsuda pointed to himself,

"You're asking me?"

"I don't know. Sounds like a good idea."

Matsuda stared at Matt, completely dumbfounded, before clearing his throat, "Alright then... uh... somebody should..." he rubbed the back of his neck, "Tell Sachiko about Misa, and what we're doing."

"That will break her heart," Mogi slumped, "But I don't think I could take it seeing them not know what Light went through. It's the right thing to do, but..." he trailed off.

Aizawa chimed in, "Ide and I will go explain things, Mogi will go to NHN with Misa, and Matsuda..."

"Don't say I should go home," Matsuda pleaded, and Matt decided to intervene before things got out of hand, and he might be able to slip away to relay information to Mello this way,

"What if there was a citizen withholding information from us?" He asked, "What would happen to them? I know what happens in England, but what about Japan?"

"Death," Ide growled, "At least that's what it is with Kira around, especially given the changes in MO the last couple weeks."

"So somebody can be arrested for withholding information," Matt hummed a bit because while this did nothing to deter him from what he was doing, it also made an important point. "However, if somebody were to have information, Kira supporters would surely kill them for reporting anything to the police.

"Who's withholding information, Matt?" Aizawa asked with slight accusation in his voice, and Matt bit his lip hearing it,

"Oh." He shrugged casually, "I don't know. I just think it's weird you couldn't get anywhere in this case. It makes me wonder if someone's holding out."

"It's possible, I guess."

"No one trusts us." Matsuda pointed out, "Maybe there are a lot of people withholding information. Maybe when they hear or see something tied to the case, they don't even tell us because they think Kira is justice, and we're just in the way."

"And," Ide added, "The public doesn't know anyone in the NPA is still working against Kira so that just proves even more of a point that nobody would come forward with information."

"Exactly," Matt sighed, "It would make getting anywhere absolutely impossible, and if it goes on, the world will spin completely out of control."

Aizawa leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and not meeting Matt's eyes, "I hope not, but it's not like there's anything we can do."

"I think I get what Matt's saying," Matsuda turned to Matt, "What if some of us went undercover!"

"Yahtzee! You're catching on!" He gestured to himself and Matsuda, "What if Matsuda and I go undercover as regular people and ask around? If we're right about Kira having changed from two people to potentially a whole organization, surely somebody would know something."

"That could be dangerous," Ide warned them, and Matsuda shrugged,

"That's fine. It would give me something to do."

Aizawa gave a long-suffering sigh, "Alright. But not for long, and don't push too much. Matt, you might be able to do some more pushing since you have your P.I alias related to Light, but Matsuda, especially, be careful."

"Yes, Captain!" Matsuda got up, "Come on, Matt!" Matt took Matsuda's extended hand to help him up, and the two headed out, "Man, thanks for the assist. The others mean well, but I don't want to be benched."

Matt turned, seeing the dark bags under Matsuda's eyes and the tired slump of his shoulders, "You didn't sleep last night."

"You can't prove that."

"You're also not denying it," they walked down to their respective cars, "Tell you what, in about two hours we'll meet up at..." he tried to think of a place, realizing that there were a lot of bars all very close to each other, "Ginza 300 Bar?" 

"Why in two hours?"

"Both of us need to head back to our places to change into casual clothes, and you, sir, need to take a nap. The last thing we need is for you to be too tired to function. Call it a compromise."

Matsuda looked at him for a moment, before turning his gaze up to the sky, "I..."

"Nightmares?" 

"Y...Yeah."

"I don't know what to say to help you," Matt admitted, "But... I'm sorry that you're going through this."

"It's not your fault," he scoffed a little, looking at the ground now, "It's not anyone's fault, really. I just need to suck it up."

"I'm not saying that," he walked over and put a hand on Matsuda's shoulder, "It's normal to not be okay. Just try getting some sleep. Please?"

"...Okay." He put on a smile and hopped in the car, "See you in a bit, Matt!" He drove off, and Matt waved, before immediately pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lighting one as he got in the car.

This would be fine, and maybe he could even bring Mello to distract him if he played his cards right. But he couldn't help but feel worried about Aizawa's change towards him, seeming almost colder like he suspected something. Nobody had mentioned Matt's existence at Wammy's, right? Or was it maybe how much Near seemed to know him? Was it that Matt kept taking charge?

Whatever it was, he needed to be careful. But he just wanted this damn case over with! He just wanted a semi-normal life with Mello without fear of a dictatorship run by a false God or a repeat of the dark ages. At this rate, witch burnings and public executions were going to be coming back.

He parked the car in front of the flat and was ready to go inside and change into more comfortable clothes, disappointed to not see Mello anywhere. Oh well. He wrote a note and left it on the fridge, explaining what had been discussed today and where he was going if he wanted to join.

"Thank god I can get out of these clothes," he took off his suit and put on his regular striped shirt and jeans, sitting down to play some video games for a bit, but a knock at the door startled him. It couldn't be Mello, or he'd just come in.

Cautiously, he got up and grabbed a gun from where it was hidden inside the closet, before opening the door and noticed someone unfamiliar standing there. 

"Matt?"

Matt's brow furrowed, "You are...?"

"I'm Gevanni, from the SPK," Gevanni explained, "Near wants to see you." 


	6. Chapter 6

She had begun to wake up at Light's funeral.

Even now, the thought made Sayu scoff. One of the most unimaginable and awful events in her young life had been the thing to snap her out of the state she wound up in after being kidnapped. It only got worse when she was informed that her Dad had died a mere two weeks beforehand.

All she wanted was to go back in time and see both of them one more time.

Sayu spent most of her days lately sitting at Light's grave, sometimes holding the urn with her father's ashes, trying to have some semblance of the three of them finally together again, but all it ended in was her sobbing and yearning to have her life back. That was why she hadn't brought the urn this time, just sitting at the foot of her brother's grave as though hoping he would rise from the Earth.

She had read that note Light left behind for the task force, and she didn't know what to think. But she did know she was sickened at even the notion anyone could think Light was Kira. It must have started with someone who didn't know what an amazing person he was.

But now, he was gone...

Her dear big brother. He'd had so much promise. She would never have let him know, but she worshipped the ground he'd walked on, and the love she had for him even past the grave stung like a splinter of glass in her heart.

_What would you do, Light?_

Light would do it all somehow. He'd look after the family; he'd work around the clock on that nightmare investigation; he could do anything. Light would fix everything.

Light was gone, though, and there was no one left but her.

She had heard them all say it, that Light had killed himself because he couldn't handle the stress anymore. No matter how many times she read that note in her dear brother's handwriting, she knew with all her heart that she wouldn't believe the lies within.

Light didn't kill himself. He was murdered. Because why? Why would he kill himself? He knew she and Mom needed him, so why would he just forsake them unless he was somehow trying to protect them with his death? 

She thought back to Mello, and just the thought of that man sent shivers up her spine. _Him._ He or Kira was to blame for their Dad's death, so naturally, they caused Light's too.

Sayu snapped up when she heard a noise and saw a car pulling up, and out came Aizawa and Ide, heading to the door. She looked to Light's grave, placing down another seashell since she knew he liked those, and she got up, "Aizawa? Ide?"

Both of them almost gave themselves whiplash as they turned to face her, "Sayu?!" Aizawa's eyes were wide, "You're awake." He then slumped, "Shit."

"What?" She snapped uncharacteristically, "Are you not happy I'm awake?"

"No, no, I am," he assured her, "But there's something we need to tell you and your mother, and I..." Sayu tensed, before getting hopeful,

"Did you catch Mello and bring him to justice for killing Light?"

Ide cocked his head slightly, "Mello killing Light?" He and Aizawa looked to each other as though they hadn't considered that for longer than a few moments.

"Yeah!" She insisted, "You traded Kira's power in exchange for me, right? So Mello had it, and he must have tried to get rid of those in his way."

"Maybe," Aizawa helped her inside, "But we were investigating Light's death to find out if it was suicide or murder... and we found something very disturbing." He gestured to the bag he held that she hadn't noticed until now, "It's not good, Sayu. None of us want to hurt you, but you need to know this."

What was it? She simply let them in, needing to know what this was. 

Her Mom was sat at the table, reading something. Her eyes looked distant, and Sayu knew Dad and Light occupied her mind so utterly there was hardly room for anything else in there.

"Mom," she called, "Aizawa and Ide are here; they have some news about Light." Sachiko looked to the two men, looking completely desolate,

"Yes?" 

...

Aizawa could hardly believe Sayu was awake after all this time, even though none of them had thought it would happen. It seemed there was one good thing to come out of the last couple of weeks.

He just hoped what he would tell them didn't destroy all of Sayu's progress, believing they had Misa as a support system when they really didn't.

Once they were both sitting at the kitchen table, he did too, "Recently, Light's autopsy report came in," best to start at the beginning, "And... it revealed he had Rohypnol in his system...a date-rape drug."

Quite gasps from both women.

Ide jumped in, "Aizawa and I decided to investigate why he would have that in his system since he was only at home or with us in the last three days before he died. We found multiple Rohypnol tablets hidden with his sleeping pills, and a secret drawer in his nightstand, revealing these," he pulled out the voice recorder and the journal, pushing the notebook towards them, "Please brace yourself for what you're about to hear." He played the recording, and even though Aizawa had listened to it so many times he was sure he could repeat it all in a slow, mocking tone, it still made him just as sick this time as it did the first.

After the recording was done, Sachiko and Sayu had matching looks of shock and horror, and Sachiko took the recording and played it a few more times as Sayu opened the journal and started going through it.

Sachiko whimpered quietly, "Soichiro told me a year ago that Light got drugged at a bar..."

"Yeah," Aizawa nodded, "I learned about that since he called a friend for help. He had been at home and seemed to have drugged himself by accident. Maybe it was disguised as his pills or was already in the whole wine bottle."

That seemed to be the final straw, and Sachiko burst into tears, holding the piece of paper she had been reading, "I didn't want it to be true," she whispered, and slid the parchment across the table for Aizawa and Ide to read.

Aizawa was shocked to the core by what it was.

A letter from Light and the thing that concerned him deeply was that he could tell this letter had been written a while ago just from the faded pencil marks. How long was hard to tell, but if he had to guess, it was somewhere between a week and a month before the actual suicide.

He thought about what Sayu had said about what if Mello had killed Light, and he had to admit it wasn't impossible. Light could have been under the notebook's control for up to twenty-three days, and Light had died sixteen days after the notebook had been taken back and given to Sidoh. If Light had been killed by Mello, there was no way of ever knowing since the notebook was lost forever.

But the letter's contents were very interesting. It was short and vague, but it also told Aizawa a lot about what had been going on in Light's head.

_Mom,_

_I wish I could say this to you in person. I don't have much time before I will be leaving. Please don't try to stop me; I made sure that by the time you get this, it will be too late. With this letter is a check for most of my personal funds and my last will that I managed to keep a secret, to take care of yourself and Sayu. I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you._

_Please, Mom, I wish I could say more, but I can't. Just don't trust Misa, no matter what, or if she tries to give you anything. She is not a good person, and our relationship is not smiles and rainbows._

_I love you, please never forget that even if you hate me now._

Aizawa felt sick to his stomach. When had Light had time to do any of this? He supposed that Light could have had his last will for a long time since he was on the Kira case, but it just felt so wrong. Sure, it wouldn't have taken long at all, but would somebody under Kira's control think like this and have made a letter so early? He would have needed to mail that letter, but he hadn't left headquarters—at least from what Matsuda knew—the night before he died. And the faded writing implied he had written it a while ago.

If not, that would mean Light could have been planning suicide for a long time before doing it, which made him wonder if there was anything at all he could have done to help Light.

What could he have done? Already he knew that he could have changed the reason for surveillance to something like just doing it to prove to Near that Light was innocent—or as a suicide watch, and he was worried. Even if Light was hurt by that, it would have had a less devastating effect on Light's psyche.

Maybe send Light somewhere he could get help and keep him away from the case and the stress to focus on getting help? There had to be somewhere like that, and if there wasn't, part of Aizawa wanted to take charge and do something like that to make sure nothing like this happened again.

Ide was comforting Sachiko, who was sobbing. Sayu was staring wide-eyed at the journal and what she was reading, tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Thank you for telling us," she whispered, getting up and holding the journal, "Can I keep this for a couple days. I need to read it. All of it." Aizawa didn't bother to stop her as she went into her room with it, and Sachiko looked shellshocked, 

"Thank you for telling me," she said, "Can you please give me some time to process this?"

"Of course," Aizawa got up, "Have a good day."

They left the house, and Aizawa had his hands in his pockets, "Do you think Matsuda and Matt are going to find any information?"

"Honestly?" Ide shrugged, "I'd be surprised. But I'm not sure whether I want them to or not. If they do find intel, that means this is the beginning of the end for the police." He turned a bit to Aizawa, "Did something happen between you and Matt? You were acting a little off towards him."

"Nothing happened. I just have a hunch, and I want to keep an eye on him to see if I'm right. I'll let you know if I have to fly to England on short notice."

It was then that Ide seemed to realize what Aizawa was getting at, "You think he's working with Near or Mello?"

"I don't know. Even if Matt is from Wammy's House, that only means he knows them, not necessarily that he's working with them. Still... we hadn't been told there was a third successor to L. But if Matt is from the house, that means this brother of his is probably Ryuzaki. It doesn't mean much overall, but if he's hiding something like that from us, can we really trust him?"

Ide just nodded a bit, "I suppose you're right. I'll cover for you if you go to England to ask Roger."

"Thank you, Ide," he looked at the ground, "Am I being too distrustful again? I can't make the same mistake again."

They got in the car, and Ide turned in the driver's seat, holding Aizawa's hands in his with a small smile, "What happened with Light wasn't your fault. None of us saw it coming, and you didn't even know he was upset. I was _there,_ Shuichi. I hadn't suspected anything except for Light being tired, and we are all tired."

"You're right," he freed one of his hands, turning towards the window. "But you're not the parent. I'm supposed to notice these things."

"Speaking of which," Ide began driving, "Did you know Nozomu called me while you were driving Matt to see Kiyomi?" The mention of his five-year-old son caught Aizawa's attention, and he turned, "He asked me why you were so sad lately. He's right, you know. It's been three days since you last smiled, and it was a really half-assed smile."

Aizawa couldn't help but chuckle a tiny bit at the fond memories of their youth, "You still count the days since I last smiled?"

"I've been doing it since you said 'I do' at that alter twenty years ago. Did you really think I would ever stop?"

 _That_ was new information, and Aizawa turned with wide eyes at Ide's knowing expression, "You..."

"I've suspected for years, but Ukita confirmed it eight years ago when he said he was really worried about your safety. I wanted to wait until you were ready to tell me."

They stopped at a traffic light, "I didn't want to tell him. It was an unexpected consequence of an incident while undercover, and I ended up having to explain some things. Don't worry about it."

"I'll stop worrying when she stops hurting you, and you aren't wallowing in guilt about something that isn't your fault. Just promise me that when the day finally comes that the justice system takes men being beaten by their wives seriously, you'll divorce her."

"My children need a mother," he replied simply, "She's not like that with them."

"I'm sure I can be an amazing mother for them," Ide teased, nudging him a bit and earning a small laugh from Aizawa until Ide grew serious again. "But seriously, they need their father too, and you can't be there for them if you work yourself into the ground, be it from Eriko getting pissed or the stress doing you in." Aizawa was silent, and Ide continued, "My point is that it took twelve years for me to find out for sure what she was doing to you, so why do you think you would have noticed something in Light?"

All Aizawa did was shrug, cringing as he remembered his conversation with Ide before going to meet with Near. About if he ended up dead, to arrest Light, and with the memory came the sickening understanding that Light may not have heard this conversation, but he had probably still known.

"I doubt I would have," he answered quietly, "But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have."

...

She read through the journal, her brother's words of the horrors he had gone through at the hands of Misa. Occasionally, she even saw marks where tears had fallen onto the paper, and now there were more as her own fell.

As she read more, she came across one entry that made her blood run cold.

_Sayu suggested today that I should just marry Misa already. I thought everything was fine, and it was a joke until I got home from work, and Misa attempted to threaten me into proposing. I'm going to have no choice soon._

Had she caused her brother so much pain? Had any other jokes she made over the years made him think he couldn't talk to her.

There were other accounts outside of the sexual abuse for a forced relationship, of Misa also belittling him for things like his weight, even though it was common knowledge he was unhealthily underweight as it was. Light mentioned that he was starting to relapse but knew he couldn't or Dad would do something.

Relapse? She knew exactly what Light was referring to in his writings. But their Dad had never told Sayu _why_ Light had gotten so sick years ago, to the point that he seemed like a walking corpse. He had gotten better, and that was all that mattered, right?

But this made Sayu feel extremely uncomfortable, suspecting what the reason had been now that she was older, and she had made comments every now and then. She doubted any of that teasing would be a reason for suicide, but what if Light had taken it seriously and felt he couldn't talk to her for fear of being judged?

Or maybe it was simply the threats from Misa, and the list of rules written in the notebook, but what alarmed her was that it said "summarized," meaning this wasn't the actual rule sheet. What was on that?

She could barely wrap her head around the fact Light was being hurt by Misa. It just seemed so surreal. She wouldn't have thought Misa was capable of the horrors Light was writing about.

If only she had seen more. She knew she wasn't nearly as smart as her older brother, but why couldn't she have seen something?! She had talked to Misa all the time when Light was busy at work, she should have noticed something, even if Misa was an actress.

"I'm so sorry, Light," she sobbed, "I should have protected you. You didn't—you didn't have to leave."

She stayed there, hugging the journal and wishing to talk to her brother. She had to know if this was true.

Because... Because if it was true, did this mean there was a chance Light hadn't been murdered, and he actually had...?

Her sobs increased and echoed through the bedroom.

OoOoO

Matt entered the room with Gevanni, and he saw Near sitting with his toys as per usual. He smirked a bit, seeing the other boy looked the exact same as five years ago, "Hey, Loli."

Near turned, narrowing his eyes at the old nickname, standing and clearly unhappy by Matt's growth spurt, which left him five inches taller, "Welcome, brother." While the seemingly loving title was said with only apathy, Near still smirked a bit, looking back to his toys on the floor, "So Mello spent a while as a mafia underboss, and now you're a police officer. What a fun couple." 

Matt sighed, staring down at the floor. He and Near had been at Wammy's together for years before Mello arrived, as close as brothers. Matt was the one to break up fights between Mello and Near, still close to both of them. But in the end, when Mello left, he had chosen to follow the one he had fallen for, knowing Near would be okay.

"Don't think I'm hurt about you choosing Mello over me," he sat in a chair, one leg pulled up as he gestured for Matt to sit, "It was bound to happen regardless, and there are much bigger issues in the world. I'm not your enemy, nor am I Mello's. My only enemy is yours too." He played with a strand of his hair, "It was a good move of Mello's to put you on the task force."

"You want things to go back to like when we were kids," Matt said tensely, "With me as a mediator between you and Mello."

"Yes. Mello and I worked rather well together when getting information about the 13-day rule and learning the identity of the Second L."

"He died four days later."

"Yes, about that," Matt forced himself to relax, seeing the curious glimmer in Near's eyes, "I would assume the task force has been prioritizing their own guilt on the matter over the investigation?" He made a quiet 'hmph' sound, "Perhaps I shouldn't have called Yagami a brainless idiot. It's common knowledge mental health issues like suicidal tendencies, or being drugged in alarming doses frequently would affect his performance."

"There is a question about that," he knew he just needed to get this over with. They all needed to be on the same page. While he understood why the task force didn't trust Near, Matt knew they could. "But it seems Yagami may have been knowingly hiding information and upon his death giving hints leading to potential evidence of L having been right in Misa Amane being the Second Kira."

"That's very interesting." Near muttered, before looking up from the floor, "What of Takada?"

"A person of interest, no doubt, but if Amane is the Second Kira, she doesn't know about it, which would imply she doesn't know who the original Kira is either. From what I've seen, any conversations between them are through a phone call with a voice distorter. I'll be investigating her and Amane this evening."

"And what about the task force?"

"Hm?"

"My original theory is Kira being among the task force, which led to Light Yagami. Are any of the others suspicious?" Matt shook his head,

"I'm working on getting close to him, but the only one I can see as of interest is Aizawa, who suddenly became cold to me today without explanation. Maybe it's after the shock of my age, but I'm somewhat worried he knows something."

"You could just tell them," Near mused. "However, since you had taken measures to ensure you would not be considered an official successor, Roger wouldn't have mentioned you in your own right. If Roger says anything, he may say something about how you followed Mello when you two were fourteen."

"Yeah, in hindsight, that's really gonna bite me in the ass," he huffed, "Can you just talk to Roger and ask him to not mention the whole loyal to Mello thing? It will make investigating a real pain. I mean, it's better than having to watch something that never changes, but still."

"I can talk to Roger," Near agreed, "To just say you are the third successor to L, but never had an interest in the role until L's death when you became determined to solve it and joined the police, since working behind the scenes isn't your style."

Matt grinned, "I knew I could count on you," Near chuckled in response,

"Don't tell Mello you said that or he'd get jealous," they both shared a small laugh, and Matt gave a nonchalant hand gesture,

"Nah, he knows you and I were close, and honestly, he doesn't care as long as I don't preach working together to him. It's an agreement of ours to not pry into each other's friendships and alliances unless we're afraid for the other's safety." Near looked down to his toys,

"Tonight, you're going to be beginning the investigation into Amane, and using Takada as a pawn in it, correct?" Matt nodded, so Near looked to Halle, "Lidner will be acting as one of Takada's bodyguards, so the two of you can work together in secret, and she can assist you."

"Sweet," Matt got up, brushing down his clothes, "So is this gonna be a regular thing? And I gotta go, I have some investigating to do at a bar and make sure Matsuda doesn't do something he'll regret."

"That sounds fun," Near muttered sarcastically, and Matt rolled his eyes,

"Tell me about it, and I had such big plans of smoking and playing some video games before I had to interact with more people. I'd prefer if I was doing this with Mel, but hey, as long as they don't betray me, I like these guys. Doesn't mean they're not all dead men walking unless we catch Kira soon."

Near's interest was clearly piqued, but he didn't say anything on the matter as Matt was already heading out the door, "Good day, brother." Matt smiled a bit as he heard Near humming that familiar melody as he played with his toys, and he absently echoed it.

Matt was driven back to his flat by Gevanni, and he proceeded to get in his own car and head to the bar to meet up with Matsuda since while the meeting with Near hadn't been long, the drive had sucked up the two hours. Sure, this wasn't the first time he had gone into a place he shouldn't have for booze, but since he was still underage and was literally with a cop who knew he was underage but wasn't saying anything on the matter. It had a sense of excitement to it.

He parked a block away and saw Matsuda waiting for him, looking extremely tense. He didn't look like he had slept at all.

"Matsuda?" Matt asked nervously.

...

He had stood in a warehouse he didn't recognize. The corrugated iron roof was domed some twenty-five feet above, like a shanty cathedral. Flickering lights left on illuminated the room just enough to see by, with the faintest bit of sunlight coming in from what may have been a window high above. Water dripped from somewhere, creating a hollow pinking noise that was impossible to ignore. 

Matsuda found that he could not move for a solid few moments, unaware of how he had gotten here. But his attention was brought to walls, which shifted and creaked, and the looming emptiness of the building was unavoidable. The barrenness of the whole thing sits on his back, an unnecessary pressure. Matsuda shuddered with the overhanging dampness, the stillness of the building sending shivers down his spine.

He finally was able to move, and he was glad for that because he felt something wet that he was standing in, probably a puddle. But as he looked down...

Aizawa lay on the ground, blood coming from his head as though having been dealt a serious blow. It was blood he was standing in... and not just Aizawa's, but as he looked, he saw Mogi and Ide also having bled to death on the floor, but they were closer together and all the crimson liquid pooling together, so it was hard to tell where the injury was coming from.

Matsuda screamed at the top of his lungs, bending down to his fallen friends, checking for any sign of a pulse from any of them, "No no no no no, come on guys, don't do this to me. Please, you can't—"

There was nothing. They were all dead, bodies having not yet fully cooled down.

Before Matsuda could wonder where Matt was, he heard dark laughter and heard a voice that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up,

"This is your fault."

Matsuda turned from where he was kneeling in the blood and saw a shadowy figure, though said shadow was a dark red color, unlike the blackness one would expect. The voice was scrambled by a voice distorter but still identifiable as male, 

"How—" his voice shook, "How is this my fault?" The figure he assumed was Kira just chuckled menacingly,

"You just had to continue on this case. And now with you the only one left," to Matsuda's horror, Kira revealed Light laying slumped on the far wall, not responding at all, "I have almost nothing standing in my way."

Matsuda ran over to Light, knowing what he would see but hoping to be wrong all the same. But the only thing different was that the blood had tried and the body had long since cooled. He lay there in that same dreadful W-sit as he had when he died.

"I'll deal with Matt soon enough," Kira taunted, "You're never going to catch me. It will just be a wild goose chase over and over as you watch all that's dear to you be snatched away. Just give up now."

And with those dreadful words, Matsuda had been released from his nightmare, taking a few minutes to remind himself that everyone else was okay. Light may be gone, but the others were still okay.

Just to be sure, he texted everyone, letting them know that he had napped, and now he and Matt were going to investigate, and he got a response from everyone. Ide even said he was taking Aizawa out to lunch to get his mind off things and asked if Matsuda or Mogi would want anything. 

Despite everything that had happened, Matsuda felt a playful smirk blossom on his face as he told Ide and Aizawa to have fun, and he could hear Aizawa's groan and could visualize the annoyed yet fond eye roll.

So very different from the visual of him dead on a warehouse floor. Or had that been a warehouse? His memory of the nightmare was already beginning to fade, thank god, but he knew that some things in it were going to stay.

Which led him to now, with many details gone, like the nature of what had done the killing blow on his friends, but the visual of them all dead was still there, and he barely heard Matt worriedly asking if he was okay.

"I'm fine," Matsuda told him at last. "Just tired."

He shouldn't let a stupid nightmare distract him, but it was hard to shake the words his subconscious mind had given the illusion of Kira. Did he really deep down think this was all pointless? No, it couldn't be. After all this time, they were finally making progress.

"You seem out of it," Matt replied, "Did you not sleep? Or..." he looked at Matsuda expression, "Oh. Hey, maybe you should try and see a doctor about that if you're having really bad nightmares constantly." Matsuda shrugged a bit, looking across the way at the bar, having forgotten for a moment that Matt was still technically underage.

"I have a lot on my mind," Matsuda told him with a sigh. "No point in going to a doctor for something that will fade eventually. When this case is over, maybe I'll get some help for the nightmares."

"I suppose you're right." He took Matsuda's hand, "Come on, let's go inside. Remember that flashing your badge around and acting like a cop isn't going to get you anywhere, especially with distrust towards the police in Japan." Matt went quiet for a moment, watching the bar, "Still a little weird, being nineteen and going into a bar with another cop."

"I mean," Matsuda shrugged, " _Somebody_ has to look into it. Have you done this before? Going undercover in England in bars?"

"Well, pubs, but yeah, all the time. Legal drinking age there is eighteen."

That was interesting. Why was the drinking age so different? That did mean Matt was at a weird period where he could be an adult in one place and a child in another.

When Matsuda opened the door, a bell rang, and nobody noticed at all, all talking amongst themselves and enjoying drinks and some food. Matsuda took his time scanning them before deciding to follow Matt's lead, sitting at the counter, where the bartender stood polishing some glasses. 

Looking at the name on the name tag, Sota, Matsuda looked up and was surprised to see Matt and Sota already making conversation.

Sota gave him a broad smile. "I'm surprised to see you here without Ben. Is he alright?"

"Yeah, he's just got some work to do," Matt replied with a shrug, "So I decided to have a night out with my old friend Matsuda. He's been going through some shit." Hold on, Matt was a regular here to the point the bartender knew his name?

Sota looked towards Matsuda as though saying that it was obvious something had happened, and set his glass aside. "Alright then, what can I get for you kids?"

"I'm driving," Matsuda said, smiling politely. "But he'd like a soda."

Matt hit his arm playfully. "You're horrible! I'd like a cosmopolitan, please, Sota-San."

He guessed Matt wanted to play up the idea that we were just two friends looking to have a good time on Friday. He wished he felt up to that, but he really wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible... but maybe a drink or two wouldn't hurt...

"One cosmo, coming up," Sota agreed with cheer and set to making the drink.

He leaned against the bar, watching him and tapping his finger on the scratched surface of the counter. He looked to see on the news that a bank had been robbed on the edge of the Kanto region, and three innocent people were shot. Kira had reduced crime by a lot, so it was sometimes shocking when something like this did happen.

Sota looked towards the screen, groaning, "Those imps still haven't gone away. They don't seem to have lives. They're the worst kind of scum."

"The kind Kira should take care of," Matsuda said automatically, and he sucked in a small breath, wondering why that had been his go-to. It took him a moment to remember he was undercover, and he was beginning to see what everyone had meant about needing to sleep.

He felt Matt jerk against him, and he gave him a questioning look, but it only lasted a second before he turned back to Sota.

Sota smiled as he handed Matt his drink and gave one to Matsuda too. "So, you're a Kira supporter too."

"I think the world would be a much nicer place if Kira were allowed to work," Matsuda said, absently taking a long gulp of his drink.

"You're right." Sota grinned, "I've always believed in the mercy of Kira, even when he was considered a common criminal. As long as we live decent lives, no harm will come to us."

"In England, the opinion of Kira is pretty neutral," Matt mused, "Most people I talked to were more curious about his powerset than anything else. Would this be more like a Shinto God or what Christians would call a God? I'm mostly curious about that."

Sota raised his eyebrows. "Matt, Kira transcends human understanding. He's not like you and me."

"Doesn't mean I'm any less curious. The unknown is exciting. I wonder what's going to happen now that America bowed to Kira," he scoffed, "And come on, who actually bet the United States would do that?"

"It did come as a shock, but it means that now the people who defy Kira are the only ones in trouble," Sota explained. "This investigation team that's always chasing him, and that L character—they're the worst."

Matsuda knew he had a good poker face when he wanted to, or maybe he was just too tired to care, but the only thing that really brought him offense was the insult to his friends, especially the fallen Chief, Light and L, who had died.

Sota shrugged. "The NPA will get theirs soon," he said. "And then we'll see salvation. A world where there is no crime, with no need for law enforcement or government—a world where Kira is supreme."

He looked so level-headed, Matsuda could hardly believe he thought something so farfetched.

"Soon, very soon, we'll see dramatic changes in the world." A bright smile lit up his face, and Matt nodded along with a grin, though Matsuda noted that Matt's eyes showed it was of condescending amusement instead of agreement like one would mistake it for. He knew the difference very well after working with Ryuzaki for a year.

"Matsuda!" 

Matsuda turned, ripping all his attention away from the investigation. He thought he had heard Light. But now that he looked, nobody had said his name at all. Nobody was looking in his direction, and there was no trace of Light at all.

"Matsuda?" Matt put a hand on his shoulder, "You good?"

"Oh. Uh." Matsuda scraped the hair out of his eyes, and then he made himself rub the back of his neck, the way he normally would. "No. Nothing. I thought I heard someone say his name. Anyway, you were saying?"

"We were talking about the Sakura TV fiasco," Matt explained, "Is it true that they made each person who went on the show do a little survey?"

"Yeah, it's to see if you should become a regular, but Kira clearly disapproves of it."

"Yup," Matt shrugged, "Personally, I think taking Takada give the news quickly and without regular donations is better overall, even if it's less interactive. Less chaos that way."

"Agreed," Sota nodded, then looked to Matsuda, "Can I get you anything else?"

He wanted to ask for another drink or two. He wanted to get some sleep without death following behind his eyelids. He wanted to melt into the Chief's embrace again or see Light's real smile or see Ryuzaki's eyes sparkle when Matsuda brought homemade cookies, or talk with Ukita about all the exciting new cases they were working on. So he settled on, "Whiskey, please."

"I thought you were driving," Matt muttered, "It's fine. I can pick up your care later."

Right... they actually had to do some investigating. And from what Matt had gotten from Sota, it proved that people would indeed hide information from the police, not just out of fear.

"Nevermind then," he sighed, "Sorry, Matt."

"No problem, bud," he looked to Sota, "Mind if I just pay? I'll come back with Ben, and we can talk some more. It's fun to learn about this kind of thing. I should probably get Matsuda to sleep a little more."

Sota bowed to them. "I hope you feel better soon, Matsuda-San. And come by again some time—I'm here nearly every night."

"All right," Matsuda said, doing his best to remember his manners. "Thank you."

"Thank you," Matt echoed, dipping his head.

Sighing, Matsuda laid his head on the counter, trying to make the shaking stop and psych himself up to stand.

"Hey." Matt put a hand on his back. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just want to leave."

What was wrong with him? Sure, it hadn't been even a month since... but shouldn't he be trying to finish the case like he promised himself he would? Maybe he just needed more time to get back into things, or to get some goddamn sleep without waking up in a cold sweat or needing to unload the contents of his stomach, which had led him to stop eating dinner.

Matt helped Matsuda up, giving him the nudge he needed to get up and walk out, swaying a bit. But it was easier to breathe when he got outside, the open-air felt good against his hot face, and with the sounds of the inner city roaring in the distance, it seemed like they were a long way from everything.

Inexplicably, Matsuda started to laugh. He knew it would look suspicious to anyone who happened to be watching, so he tried to suppress it, but his shoulders shook uncontrollably.

"Matsuda!" Matt grabbed his arm suddenly, turning him around, shocked to find his expression was warped between a laugh and a sob.

"Wh-What's so funny?" he demanded feebly, and Matsuda knew from the look in his eyes that he was disturbed, "What's wrong with you?"

"Did you see it, Matt?" Matsuda said suddenly, still struggling to contain himself. "That was amazing!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That info you got about Kira's Kingdom! About the surveys! If there are other Kiras, wouldn't it make sense that Kira looks there to find more followers?"

"Yeah, but that's a needle in a haystack," Matt pointed out, and Matsuda's cheer softened a bit, knowing Light wouldn't have been happy with such a small victory either, "Like even if we find some dude drooling all over the paper and praising Kira, would Kira choose the obvious target? And how do we know Sakura TV would not only still have the surveys but also let us see them?"

Matsuda smirked, getting his spirit back out of nowhere, "I have an idea for that. You're good with computers, right?"

Matt now had a matching smirk, "What's the plan?"

OoOoO

"That's what I've been asking." Misa moaned, "So tell me why I'm not the headliner. You said I was supposed to be the highlight of the East-West Pop Music Festival."

Mogi tried his best to act the same around her, as he always did. But after hearing what was on that voice recording, and reading what Light had written about his experiences... that wasn't the Misa he knew. The person he had been friends with was a lie. She couldn't be both the bubbly girl he cared for and had wondered why Light didn't seem to value a lot, and the cruel and manipulative woman who abused, stalked, and threatened Light for five years.

It changed everything about how he saw her. He had been impressed by her ability to remain elegant and graceful at Light's funeral, but now he looked at her gentle makeup and brushed hair, wondering if she had ever cared about Light at all. Was she actually grieving for him? And if she was, was it for him as a person or as her victim?

Perhaps it was selfish, but part of him wanted to go back to before he had known what Light went through because of her. He tried to look at Misa and see his friend who would call him by pet names and drag him to go shopping with him, a smile on her face. Yet all he could see when he saw her now was the image painted by Takada of Light collapsed on the ground, under the influence of a drug probably slipped into the bottle of wine he had been using that night.

How hadn't he seen it? In hindsight, it was all so damn obvious. And he could see now, that haunted look every time Matsuda playfully teased him about going on dates with Misa. Brotherly banter between them, in a sense, and Light would return the favor with cheer whenever Matsuda went on a date.

He couldn't help but wonder if he actually remembered that look, or was putting it there subconsciously upon learning the truth about Light's relationship. There had to have been moments Light could be genuinely happy, right?

Then there was something worse. Light couldn't have gotten help. The laws in Japan made it clear men were not seen as victims, only perpetrators. And with Misa being a celebrity... it just made it all the clearer that wouldn't Light have had these laws changed if he was Kira? And even if Kira on his own had, would Light have used them?

But he had known that as a task force for six years, they were like family, right? Nobody would judge him for what he was going through, so even if he couldn't do anything, they would have tried to make it better.

Did he really trust them so little?

It was more complicated than that, and Mogi knew it, so he snapped from his musings, grateful that years of being silent meant that his thought process, which felt like a few minutes, was actually a few seconds.

"Well, it's true that you're the highlight. But when it comes to the headliner, it's a little harder to secure that spot." He noticed Misa wasn't paying attention to him anymore, "Huh?" He looked ahead and tensed as he realized the plan was underway, seeing Kiyomi standing with her bodyguards, and she looked to a glaring Misa, a small smirk on her face. Even from here, he could tell from a glance how much she detested Misa, but she managed to keep it hidden rather well, and Mogi knew he wouldn't have been able to spot it if he hadn't heard her last night.

Misa then scoffed, borderline shouting, "What an idiot! She never even realized that Light didn't love her."

"Don't say that." He whispered hastily, "You might end up dead if she hears you."

 _Would that be a bad thing?_ A dark part of his brain whispered to him, and he had to remind himself that yes, it was a bad thing! If not from basic morals, but just because it would be a hindrance to the investigation.

"Duh, I know that," Misa replied smugly, "That's why I whispered it quietly." He was about to point out she actually yelled. Was this how women fought? Honestly, he had no idea. The kind of arguments he was used to was maybe Aizawa shouting when he lost his temper, but usually, it was just uncomfortable silence until the Chief forced them to talk it out as though they were still children and not adults with jobs and taxes.

Kiyomi chuckled and began to walk away, and Misa was clearly appalled by this, "Hey! She snickered at me! First, she tried to steal my fiancé, and now this?! I'm gonna go kick her!" She stormed after Kiyomi, and Mogi called out to try and stop her, wondering if this was just a loss of temper or the proof of hostility that they had been looking for.

Of course, Misa didn't get very far, as one of Kiyomi's bodyguards whirled and grabbed her, keeping her still and unable to move, "What were you trying to do?"

"What was I doing?" Misa asked, "What about you?" And then she glared at Kiyomi again, and Mogi had to wonder if Misa did know about that meeting between Light and Kiyomi last year. But how would she have found out? Was it the missing rule sheet? And wouldn't that mean Kiyomi should have been killed? Or was he overthinking this, and Misa just knew Kiyomi was Light's ex-girlfriend?

To Mogi's surprise, Kiyomi turned, "Lidner, that young lady is actually a very good friend of mine. Please, you shouldn't be so rough with her."

Lidner relaxed, "Of course, Miss Takada. Please, excuse me," she then let Misa drop to the floor on her knees, and he rushed to her side,

"Uh, Misa-Misa... Are you alright?"

Misa was shaking, as though trying not to cry. "That bitch has some nerve, doesn't she..." he noticed a few tears fall, "But I won in the end, right? Even... Even if he still left. He left us all. Not just me. He loved... He loved me," she looked up with glossy eyes, "Right, Mochi?"

She had to be manipulating him. What if that hostility a moment ago had been from just grief? Anger was a stage of it, after all. Still... there was that voice recording, and the fact Mogi did trust Light. And it simply didn't make sense for him to come up with a lie like that.

Maybe she did really care about Light? He supposed she was an actress, so she could be faking—God, why did this have to be complicated?! He was a police officer, so he should be able to look at her and see a criminal, and it was all black and white, especially for a crime like sexual abuse, right!? Why couldn't he just know everything? But at the same time, he wanted to trust Misa, the friend he had had for so many years. Of all the people to have hurt Light, why did it have to be her?

This was a new experience, being friends with a criminal. Someone who had hurt another dear friend bad enough that he had had suicidal thoughts and acted on them. He wasn't going to defend Misa's actions at all; it was just...

"I'm sure he did," Mogi whispered, knowing he still had to comfort her just like he had before he learned the truth, "He didn't want to hurt you."

She buried her head in his chest, and he felt sick with himself for wondering if this display of affection would be the beginning of her trying to do to him what she had done to Light. He shook those thoughts away, reminding himself that no matter what she had done, he couldn't do anything about it right now, and maybe not ever unless she was the Second Kira.

They stayed on the floor for a while in an embrace, and while Mogi managed to calm his emotions, he couldn't help but hope they could get this plan over with and get some well-deserved answers as soon as possible.


	7. Chapter 7

He should have known Ide openly knowing the truth would change some things about their relationship, but being questioned about whether he was safe to go home, and being advised to stay away, was something he hadn't even considered.

"Shuichi," Ide crossed his arms, "You've been gone for days, and before that so exhausted that Nozomu is noticing. Are you sure you're safe tonight?"

"I've been fine for twenty years," Aizawa defended insistently, and Ide's brows rose,

"Do I need to list off the 'accidental injuries' you've had over the years? Or the fact she broke another of your ribs after you were in an explosion? I have an itemized list of twenty years of injuries that I have noticed."

Aizawa sighed. _Sweet Jesus_. "You've been waiting to confront me on this for a long time, haven't you? I thought you've only known for sure for eight years."

"You're my friend. I remember these things. And I already called your kids to let me know if you're maimed and need serious help."

"When was that put in place?!"

"Seven years ago for Yumi, two for Nozomu. Why do you think he called me about you being upset lately?"

He narrowed his eyes at his best friend, "You're something else, you know that?"

"I'll take that as a compliment," Ide forced a smile that faded after a moment of Aizawa being unamused, "Seriously, Shuichi, you need to promise me you will call me if you need anything at all. We can even make a safe word if you need me to take you and the kids away for a while."

"That's not necessary," Aizawa replied, "After this case, I'll take more time off, and things will get better. She just wants me home more."

"She wants you to quit your job and become a stay-at-home Dad so she can isolate you from the world and control you further."

"I think you're exaggerating."

"Broken shoulder ten years ago!" Ide raised his voice a bit, "You can tell me you tripped over that irritating coffee table of yours at 2am all you want, but you know as well as I do that she at least shoved you into the thing."

Aizawa sighed, taking a step back, "And what do you suggest I do? Like it or not, there is nothing I can do."

"I mean..." Ide trailed off when Aizawa sent him a dirty look, putting on his jacket,

"I'm leaving now, Hideki." He looked around headquarters, "I thought Matsuda and Matt would be back by now."

"Matt said he and Matsuda are crashing at his flat tonight, and they found a lead regarding Sakura TV, so they're making a plan."

"Right..." he looked to Ide, "What are you going to be doing?"

"Worrying about you, as I often do."

"I meant besides that."

Ide shrugged, "I'll probably stay here and look about leads, or perhaps bathroom remodeling." They both looked to the bathroom in question. New paint and cleaners in there still didn't erase the memories they all dealt with. Aizawa knew that having only seen the aftermath, he wasn't as shaken by that room as Matsuda and Ide were, so while he was content to just not look at the far wall, it was understandable that Ide would look for a remodel.

"We could move to a hotel for a while," Aizawa pointed out, "Or head back to L's skyscraper, even though that technically belongs to Near now as L's successor. I doubt Near is actually using it, and the building has been largely abandoned."

Ide put his hands in his pockets, "You're trying to distract me."

"I won't deny it, but we can pack up and move if you and Matsuda are uncomfortable here."

"Maybe," Ide looked up, "Do you have to go back there?" 

"Yeah." He went to leave, "Hey... if you are really concerned, you can call and check on me, okay?"

"Fine." He turned towards his computer, "Don't die, Shuichi."

"I won't." He left and thought about Ide's concerns, which were more reasonable than he would admit. But things would get better. For a little bit, every now and then, everything would be incredible, just like when the relationship had begun, and Eriko had understood his shaky stance on the whole situation. His marriage had been worse with him gone for days on end with the Kira case, but when Kira was gone, everything would be better, right? Things weren't going to get worse...

All he could really do was try to keep Eriko as happy as possible when she was in one of her moods, for both his sake and the children.

Nozomu met him at the door, hugging him and squealing with excitement, and Yumi hugged him, "I'm glad you could make it, Dad," but Eriko stood in the hallway, frowning.

"You're late," she said with clear anger in her tone.

Though it wasn't the first thing Aizawa wanted to hear from his wife when he got home, he tried to smile. "Sorry." He set his things down while the kids both wanted to tell him about their days at the same time.

Eriko calmed them down after a moment. "Nozomu, I told you that you could stay up until Daddy got home. Now it's time for bed."

Nozomu whined and begged to stay up longer. Aizawa slumped into a chair at the kitchen table, rubbing the bridge of his nose and listening to his wife convince him to go to bed. He decided to get up and walk over to his son, bending down to his level and trying to ignore how close to Eriko's feet he was, and she could very well kick him the second Nozomu was gone.

"How about you get ready for bed, and I'll tuck you in."

Nozomu brightened, hazel eyes twinkling, "Okay!" then he ran upstairs, and Aizawa hastily stood and hurried back to the table. He noticed Yumi with her hand on the stairs' railing, and he noticed she had her phone hidden behind her back. He sent her a small nod that he would be okay.

Eriko came over, her hand sliding over his shoulder as she walked past him. "Are you hungry?" She asked with fake calm, "I can heat up some leftovers."

"Yeah, thanks." He smiled a bit, hoping tonight's line of questioning wouldn't end in violence. The last thing he needed was to validate Ide's concerns.

"What happened today?" she asked as she prepared the food.

Alright, that was something he could handle. "Nothing much. I had to break some news to some people, and Matsuda found a lead today."

She hesitated to face him. "A lead towards Kira?"

"Yeah. We have some extra help around headquarters, so hopefully, the case will be closed soon."

"Extra help?" Her voice changed to something Aizawa knew meant he was walking on eggshells, "Like new additions to the task force?"

"It was necessary. We're understaffed since Light and the Deputy Director..." he shook himself, "Speaking of which, I might need to head to England again for the day. There's potential information there."

"What? You're going to England again?" Her voice remained threatening, "But you only recently came back from California."

"Only possibly," he assured her, "And I wouldn't be gone long this time."

She turned around to him, "You're not going."

"Eriko, I have to—" he flinched when she raised her hand but then lowered it. A warning. Then she smiled sweetly,

"Shuichi, I know your work is important, but we need you here. I was almost late picking up Nozomu from daycare today because I was so busy worrying that Hideki would call and say you'd been killed."

"I thought Nozomu walked home with Yumi when she's headed home from school."

Eriko huffed, "Maybe if you were home more, you would know he sprained his ankle while playing. He's fine now, but the doctor said he should be careful, so I've been picking him up the last few days."

Maybe it was irrational... it had to be. Eriko wouldn't have taken out her anger on their son, right?

He found himself backing up, knowing it was a bad idea to leave in the middle of talking to Eriko, but he had to be sure Nozomu was safe. Would he really have to call Ide?

Yumi had mentioned once that she, as the family teenager, got smacked around occasionally, but nothing that would leave a mark, and the pain would fade in the hour. But Nozomu had remained unharmed.

"I should go tuck him in," Aizawa tried, trying to get away, but then he felt Eriko's hand on his shoulder, 

"Aren't you going to eat dinner?"

"Right..."

"A thank you would be nice, Shuichi."

"Thank you, Eriko."

Without another word, she went back to heating up some dinner, and Aizawa watched her. They fought so much during this case. Over the years of their relationship, he had made himself love her, and still, there had been times he worried she might leave him and the consequences of that.

"It'll be okay," Aizawa told her while eating, hoping to ease her concerns. "I've got some good people working with me."

"Hideki?"

"Yeah, you know he'll watch my back. Nothing's going to happen."

"I know." She sighed and brushed the hair from her eyes. He loved the way she did that. "I just hoped you'll get to take it easy."

"This won't be like that. I promise."

Not answering, she set the plate in front of him and then sat down with him as he ate, toying with her earring and staring out the window. Aizawa tried to find a way to reassure her, but he knew nothing he said would make her feel better unless it was complying to her. He couldn't think of anything, so he gave up, cleaning his plate, 

"I'm going to go tuck in Nozomu." He turned to leave, but she took his hand, 

"You're tense tonight. Is something bothering you?"

He sighed, knowing that to say nothing was wrong would end badly, "We just... We have to catch Kira before Japan bows to him, and it's starting to stress me out. The media says we have until 2013."

"So, you're going to be home soon?" She asked eagerly, "And maybe leaving the NPA?"

"Eriko, I have to work. We need money."

"I know," she cupped his face, and he fought back the flinch from her touch, "But I want to take care of you. You do so much for us; you deserve to be provided for."

"But—"

He heard the slap across his face before he fully processed it, and he let muscle memory kick in to dodge in case of another blow.

"Why are you so stubborn, Shuichi! You think _I_ want to take care of our kids?!"

"You can work if you want to!" He pleaded, "When have I _ever_ even implied you can't? I'm sure we can pay Yumi to keep an eye on her brother after school."

"Why should we pay her? Not like you pay me! She should just do what I tell her to!"

Aizawa already knew he wasn't going to win this, losing his temper a bit and knowing he was going to be feeling it tomorrow, "If you want to get a job, stop taking it out on me and just do it, Eriko."

He yelped when she grabbed the still-warm pan off the stove and tried to hit him, ducking, but his aching ribs acted up, stunning him for only a second but long enough for her to grab his hair and knee him in the gut. It was moments like this that he appreciated getting a haircut because she couldn't maintain a grip for long.

He deeply regretted having taught her martial arts. She had asked back when he was in the academy and learning hand-to-hand combat as part of his training, and she wanted him to show her some so she could defend herself. It had seemed innocent at the time, and he had been happy to show her. However, now it was being used against him, and he was unable to fight back without the whole narrative being turned against him. He wished to turn back time and not teach her but accepted that this was his fault, even if it probably would have happened anyway.

He and Eriko both turned when they saw Yumi standing on the stairs, terrified for her life, and Aizawa smiled to her a bit, but it was strained, "Is Nozomu ready for bed?"

"Ye—Yeah," she was shaking, and he was grateful for the lock on her door that he had gifted her for her 13th birthday. Eriko still hated that lock, but as long as it kept his daughter safe, Aizawa found he didn't care if he was beaten for giving Yumi that.

Eriko let him go, "You're making breakfast in the morning," she turned to the couch, and Aizawa sighed, heading upstairs and focusing on his breathing to get past any pain. The last thing he needed was for his son to be calling Ide.

It was still hard to believe Ide had known for so long, and maybe part of him was happy to know somebody cared and was against him going home to where he may be in danger depending on Eriko's mood. Somewhere in the back of his mind, running away with Ide and the kids brought a smile. But he shook that away.

He wouldn't be a fool. It wasn't going to get worse. So he had to be loyal to his wife and remain with her, even if sometimes it felt like a fate worse than death.

Entering Nozomu's room, he saw the boy beaming and waiting for him, "Daddy!" He stared at Aizawa for a moment, "Did Mommy hurt you again?"

"No," Aizawa replied, sitting on the bed with him, "She just startled me. Come on, let's get you tucked in."

"Why have you been so sad lately, Daddy?" Nozomu asked, "I asked Ide, but he just said the case has been really hard."

Was it okay to tell a five-year-old about the fact Light had killed himself? Well... he was going to find out eventually, so Aizawa decided to remedy with this.

"When your Grandma had to leave, do you remember what I told you? That at one point in someone's life, they are taken away to a nice place, but they can't come back?" Nozomu nodded, and Aizawa pulled him close, "Well, what I didn't tell you is that sometimes when a person is in a lot of pain, they can choose to go there early. But just like everyone else, they can't come back."

Nozomu's eyes were wide, as though he understood what was going on, "What happened?"

"Do you remember my friend, Light?" A nod, "A couple weeks ago, he decided he didn't want to be with us anymore. He and I had a fight... and that was the last time I ever saw him. I didn't know he was so upset, and I regret that more than anything."

He thought again about the last time he had ever seen Light. That quiet whisper of "Goodbye, Aizawa." Why had he not turned around and decided to stay with Light then? He would still be alive if he had done that.

He remembered how visibly upset Light had gotten in the final days of his life, even losing his composure and shouting once or twice. He should have seen it then.

Nozomu hugged him suddenly, "You're not gonna do that, right, Daddy?"

"I'm not going anywhere," he assured him, running his hands through Nozomu's fluffy hair, "I want to stay with you for as long as I can. But... if something does happen to me," he put his fingers under Nozomu's chin and gently lifted the boy's head, "You'll have to be the man of the house. Can you do that for me and help your sister?"

"Mommy scares me," Nozomu whispered, "What if she hurts you really bad?"

"She won't." But Nozomu echoing Ide's concerns got him thinking. If it came down to it and he was killed, be it by Kira or a freak accident, could he trust Eriko to care for the children? Should he risk it and run with them, or maybe get official guardians ready? No... that would be a nightmare. But he sure as hell didn't want his kids in foster care.

For five years now, he had thought Eriko would be okay without him, and the kids would be fine. But what if that wasn't the case? If Nozomu was afraid of his own mother, it was cruel to make him stay, right? Could he somehow leave and gain custody?

No... women weren't considered offenders, only victims. He wouldn't get anywhere with a divorce, and all three of them would be punished.

"I'll be okay, Nozomu," he vowed, "Once this case is over, everything will get better." _I hope._

"When's that?"

"Probably sometime in January." But whether it was by victory or terrible loss, he didn't know. But he wasn't going to tell that to his son, whose eyes had lit up,

"Yay! Kira's gonna be gone soon!"

"That's right." He pulled back the blankets to put Nozomu to bed, "It's time to go to sleep now."

"Can you stay?" Nozomu asked, and Aizawa thought about it for a moment, knowing the chances of him being pulled awake because Eriko was mad about something would decrease if he was with Nozomu. But was it unethical to be somewhat using his son as a defense?

Justifying it to himself that Eriko was right and he wasn't around nearly enough, he laid down with Nozomu, letting the child nuzzle close.

"I love you, Daddy," Nozomu whispered, and Aizawa could only smile, letting himself drift to sleep.

...

"You know," Matt admitted as he added a voice editor onto Matsuda's audio, "I had my doubts, but this is actually a pretty clever plan. Just gotta figure out how to work a tape."

"You don't know how to use a tape?" Matsuda asked, grabbing some pizza, and Matt shrugged,

"Listen, I'm nineteen. Do you really think I was learning how to use tapes?" He pulled up a tab on his computer, "Hey, Google, how do you do this?" He read through a couple websites, "Alright then, I do not have the tools for this. Can't we just put this on a DVD? Our fake Kira can have better tech in the last five years."

Matsuda leaned back, "I guess. I should have known you wouldn't know how to use tapes." He looked around the flat and noticed a folder with notes, and there were multiple books scattered about. "Hey, what are those books?"

"Hm?" Matt looked to the folder and books, "Oh, it's a little studying that Ben's been doing to help. I hope you don't mind; I told him about the Death Note. He's learning what he can about Shinigami and notebooks and such to see if there's anything the rules aren't telling us."

Matsuda looked to the books and noticed it was actually multiple spiral notebooks with messy notes and highlights in passages that seemed to have been printed from online. He read through the notes, glad the penmanship was nice, even if the comments' formatting was a little scattered.

As stated in the notebook's rules, it was mentioned Shinigami have been known to possess people. However, Matsuda's brow furrowed when the notes and passages stated it was not for purposes involving their powers. One story stated Shinigami were somewhat like a possession that would cause people to want to commit suicide through hanging, and it was not unheard of for them to work in pairs.

Another story stated, "upon possession by a shinigami, it becomes difficult to speak, or easier to tell lies." The tale involved a prostitute possessed by a Shinigami inviting a man to commit double suicide. Many legends say Shinigami enter people's thoughts, making them think about bad things they have done and want to die. Some debate whether Shinigami are Gods at all, or more akin to the Grim Reaper, or even evil spirits.

There were notes underneath the passages saying this, where the writer was theorizing the notebook heightened the host's fear to make sure the human is always using it, creating an addiction of the sort. It also meant the Death Note would probably take advantage of vulnerable people.

Matsuda noted that for some reason, it seemed Shinigami were also heavily tied to double-suicide, almost more than just singular. He felt uncomfortable knots in his stomach as he remembered those days of himself and Soichiro arguing about which of them would take the eyes. They had never really shouted at each other before, but that time it got brutal.

He still wished he hadn't backed down. But if Light was murdered, did he really want the Deputy Director to have watched his son die? He would have to know for sure what had happened before regretting anything. 

Pushing those thoughts away, he continued to read a traditional tale about a man fed up with his life preparing to commit suicide. However, before he could do so, he was visited by a Shinigami, who told him that his time had not yet come. The Shinigami also explained each life was measured on a candle, and once the flame burned out, the person died. To stop the man from committing suicide, the Shinigami tells him an easy way to make money, involving speaking some magic words to force a Shinigami back into the Underworld, thus lengthening an ill person's life. But eventually, consumed by greed, the man disobeyed some of the Shinigami's further instructions, and the Shinigami brought him to a building filled with candles. The Shinigami then showed the man his candle, which was nearly burnt out due to what he had done. The man was then offered a chance to extend his life by transferring his candle's wick and wax to another's. The man failed in this attempt, as he dropped his candle and died.

Hating disobedience? Working in pairs? He thought about Ryuk and Sidoh. One vanished after Soichiro died, and the other when Light... Was it possible this wasn't Kira at all, but the work of a Shinigami? After all, couldn't it be said Soichiro disobeyed the Shinigami by not killing Mello? What if Mello had been meant to die then?

Still, the notes about what the Death Note does to the host was interesting, and Matsuda realized that Light had been the one with ownership of the task force notebook before he died, so who owned it now? And if so, could they pinpoint any personality changes?

"Hey, Matt, do you mind if we bring these notes in tomorrow? I think they'll help the case."

"I mean, that's the point of them. I think Aizawa has ownership since he was the first one to touch it and then gave it to me, but the act of giving it to me might have given ownership to me? I honestly have no idea how that works."

Matsuda looked around, "I hear a lot about your friend, but I would have thought being here for hours would have meant I could meet him."

Matt tensed, "Well, he's a bit nervous since the accident. A car wreck damaged part of his face, and he's embarrassed by that. I already told you he scared the shit out of me last month."

"Oh..."

"Yeah." He held up the DVD, "Done! So we just mail this to Sakura TV?"

"Pretty much," they shared a high-five, and Matt grinned, tossing him a video game controller, 

"Wanna play for a bit and then get some sleep?"

Matsuda beamed, "You know what? I actually do."

OoOoO

"So, the notebook might be psychologically affecting whoever owns it?" Ide asked as he read through the notes, and Matsuda nodded,

"I think so," Matsuda said, "And from what we can see in the notes, both the Deputy Director and Light have shown these signs. Suicidal behavior? Easier to tell lies? While it's not direct, if Light was able to lie easier with ownership, that would explain why none of us caught onto what was happening."

"Great," Aizawa muttered, "So there's no way to know for sure what happened unless we talk to Ryuk? Where did he even go?"

"No idea," Matsuda replied, "But Matt and I think, Aizawa, that you are the one with ownership right now since you were the first one to touch it when we took it out of the safe."

He noticed Ide seemed a little too excited about this, "Obviously, that means we have to keep you here, away from your wife, safe and sound and make sure there is nothing dangerous for you to use in the event your mental health takes a sharp decrease." Aizawa narrowed his eyes at Ide, crossing his arms,

"I don't feel any different. Should I pass ownership to someone else and then take it back to see if there's a difference?"

Matt shrugged, "I guess. We should also probably rotate who has ownership every week, to make sure nobody gets too messed up."

"Makes sense," Aizawa got up, and everyone put in the pin numbers, and Aizawa took the notebook, willing ownership over to Ide. And suddenly he straightened a bit, "Oh, what the hell?"

Matsuda blinked, "What?"

"I hadn't noticed it before," he was holding the notebook again, "But I feel a lot better without being the owner."

Ide put a hand on Aizawa's shoulder, "I can be the owner for the first week if you want."

"No, I can do it." He flipped through the notebook's rules as the traded back ownership, "Isn't there a rule about losing memories after losing ownership?"

"Maybe it doesn't apply because we all have known about the Death Note for five years without being the owner," Mogi offered, "So you would only forget actually writing in it?"

"Probably." Matt shrugged, "So someone should stay with Aizawa just in case."

"I volunteer," Ide raised a hand, and Aizawa rolled his eyes with a small smile.

"Fine, but I do have to go home occasionally. You know that, right?"

Matt paused, "Did I miss something? Why is going home a bad thing?"

"I think it's an Aizawa and Ide thing," Matsuda replied, "I've asked before, and neither will give me an answer. I've got some theories, but—"

"It's just Ide being clingy," Aizawa replied, but Matsuda could tell there was something else, and Ide's pained and somewhat exasperated expression made it even more obvious. Matsuda found he didn't particularly want to ask about any of his theories.

Mogi checked his phone, "I should probably head back to Misa. Are we using Takada for the plan tonight?"

"I think so," Matt replied, "I'll call her."

OoOoO

Misa leaned on her vanity, a drink in hand as there often was since Light had died. "Man, how many meetings do I have to have with NHN, for crying out loud? And, seriously, how many times do these people have to tell me, 'be careful about what you say'? What's with that?"

Seeing how often she was spreading gossip or, in general, being awful to Takada, Mogi decided to just focus on his phone call with Matt, who was probably with Takada at the moment. "Yes, of course, I'll ask her right now." He turned to Misa reluctantly, "Listen, Misa-Misa, Takada would like to have dinner with you this evening, just the two of you."

After a moment of silence and a look of fury on Misa's face, it warped into a smirk that made Mogi very uncomfortable, which was still a startling feeling around Misa.

"Good idea," she said in such a way that made it clear she had other intentions, "The music festival's MC should have dinner with the main performer at least once. Tell her, 'okay.'"

...

After getting the okay from Mogi, Matt got the cameras and wiretaps ready with Halle, and he knew he could talk freely until the wiretaps were turned on, "So, how's Near?"

"He's fine," Halle replied, "Have you found any new information?"

"Plenty, thanks to Mello. I'm not telling Loli anything until we know for sure, but given what happened this morning, the hypothesis has a solid foundation." Telling Near everything would be no fun, and he didn't want to tell Near before he told Mello. Even if he wanted to get this damn case over with, he was doing this for Mello, and it would almost feel like a betrayal to tell Near first. "But we're doing this because of the suspicion Misa Amane is the Second Kira, or at least not telling us everything about Light's death."

"And not knowing how he died hinders the investigation since it affects how much Kira knows," Halle figured.

"Exactly!" He put in the wiretaps and pulled out his phone, "Okay guys, I hooked them up. Can you see and hear me?"

"All clear, Matt!" He heard Matsuda on the other end of the line, and Matt got a text from Mogi that he and Misa would be there in about ten minutes.

Kiyomi came in, "Is everything in order?"

"Yup!" Matt gave the thumbs up, "All we need now is for Misa to say something incriminating in the heat of the moment. Remember what you have to do?" Kiyomi nodded, and she chuckled a bit, but it didn't reach her eyes,

"If only I had been able to do this sooner. I would have liked to see the look on Light's face when we prove what Misa Amane is and be able to ensure justice was served." 

"You're in love with him," Matt pointed out, and Kiyomi tensed, looking away a bit,

"It was a long time ago, and I'm not doing this because of what may have been. What matters is that my friend was being hurt, and I now have the power to make sure that doesn't go unpunished."

"Understandable, have a nice evening." He checked his phone again, "I should probably get going. Aizawa's waiting for me outside so we can watch the footage. If you don't mind, Ms. Takada, depending on the results, may I show what is recording to my client so she can see for herself what is going on?"

"I don't mind at all." Kiyomi replied, "Personally, depending on the results, you can make it public for all I care."

"Probably not public yet, but I like the enthusiasm!" He gave her a thumbs-up and headed out the back door to where Aizawa was waiting, and Ide was in the backseat, seeming content to be following his friend wherever he went until the notebook was in someone else's possession. "So is Ide gonna be your shadow for the week?" Matt playfully teased, and Aizwaa huffed,

"I think so. Even though I had the notebook for days without even knowing it, and yet he still insists."

"And who knows what could have happened then," Ide pointed out, "And we'll always have someone with whoever owns the notebook, so I'm not picking favorites."

Matt knew, for a fact, that Ide was picking favorites, and he decided to intervene just in case, "Right, so can I have Ben as my buddy for when I'm at home like he can pick me up and such, and maybe Matsuda when I'm at work?"

"That's fine, as long as Ben knows the risks," Ide replied, "Shuichi, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Aizawa snapped, "If you're so worried, why don't you drive?"

"Alright. Pull over."

"I was being sarcastic."

After a few minutes, Matt tuned out the two's bickering, smiling a bit as he thought about the arguments himself and Mello would have, the most serious of which including Mello's decision to join the mafia. He remembered clinging to Mello, begging and pleading with him not to do this.

He had almost gotten through to that stubborn ass. But in the end, he had been proven right, and Mello only got himself hurt and probably with a target on his head due to being the underboss of that particular clan.

It had almost all been worth it when Mello admitted that Matt was right about the whole thing, but then Yagami had to be confirmed dead, and that resentful yet teasing acknowledgment turned into sadness. 

He didn't realize he was humming until he noticed the bickering had stopped, and both Aizawa and Ide were looking at him while they were stuck in traffic, matching looks of surprise, bordering on horror, on their faces.

"What?"

It was that moment Matt realized exactly what he had been humming, and no doubt the two had heard it before, and he realized that something as stupid as this may have just blown his cover.

"Where have you heard that song?" Aizawa asked, and Matt feigned confusion,

"Matsuda was humming it while we worked on that plan involving Sakura TV, and it got stuck in my head. Is there some significance to it?"

There was an unspoken tension in the car now, and Matt knew he had to warn Mello that he might have just done something stupid.

Thankfully, nobody said anything of it when they got back to headquarters, and Matt dared to let himself hope Aizawa had taken that as an answer and wouldn't ask Matsuda about it.

When they got there, it seemed the fun had just begun, and Matsuda was watching eagerly, gesturing for his friends to come over and put on their own headsets. Matt made sure everything was being recorded and sat down to watch.

...

While it hadn't been an initial part of the plan, Mogi was standing just outside the door to the room, peeking in on the conversation instead of waiting outside. The others would be watching the footage, but Mogi knew he had to see this in person, to toss away any doubts, as foolish as they may be, of the footage being edited before he got there.

Strangely enough, there was no food at this dinner, just a bottle of wine. Takada had taken a glass and had yet to touch it, but it seemed Misa was halfway through her second glass already, "Misa, I'm sorry to have to invite you to dinner so late at night. I'm afraid it had to wait until after the nine o'clock news was finished."

"No problem, I don't mind at all. I'm a night owl anyway." She poured another glass, "Well, what is it?"

"I'm not really sure how to answer a question like that. I heard about Light's death. I haven't seen Light in quite a while, but I was still hoping to share my condolences with someone close to him." Misa just scoffed at what Mogi noted was honestly a kind gesture. If he didn't know Matt and Takada's conversation before, he wouldn't even consider the idea she detested Misa.

Within a few moments, he could see how Light and Takada had ended up together, and he couldn't help but wonder what would Light's life be like if Misa hadn't forced herself into his life. Would he have ended up with Takada? So many questions that only Light could answer.

But what did it matter? What was important was focusing on reality and trying to solve the mystery of Light's death to act accordingly.

"Don't waste my time," Misa sneered. "Things were great between us." Were they somehow speaking a different language to communicate something different? "Light was way more affectionate than he looked, at least with me. In fact, he started clinging to me as soon as he walked in the door every night." She hesitated, drinking her glass of wine, "I have no idea what possessed him to do it."

"Ah, I see. It sounds like you two were doing well, and I was mistaken."

"Mistaken?"

Takada smiled hollowly, "I saw Light once by chance, maybe a year ago, and he didn't seem very happy. Though I suppose that makes sense, given what's happened."

Silence between the two of them, as though communicating with their eyes, until Misa slowly asked, "What are you going to do? Get Kira to kill me because of what you _think_ happened?"

Takada scoffed softly, "Of course not. Only Kira can decide who he's going to punish. I have nothing to do with his decisions. Besides, I've always thought of you as a good friend, Misa. You shouldn't say such terrible things. Anyway, I don't have any intention of killing anyone, no matter how horrible they may be."

"Well, whatever," Misa gave up on the glass and went straight for the bottle, "I used to really like Kira too, you know. But I know for sure that Light's wish will be fulfilled, and Kira will be captured soon."

Takada's brow furrowed, "Light's wish?" Misa grinned a bit, reveling in the fact she knew something Takada didn't, and already Mogi knew whatever Misa was about to say would compromise the investigation,

"Oh? You didn't know?" Misa taunted, "Light was the head of the Kira task force. He told me that if something were to happen to him, he entrusted his wish to me." At the look of dread on Takada's face, Misa giggled, "And once Kira gets caught, it'll be nothing but bad news for him. And as for you, you'll probably be... executed."

Takada flinched a bit, spilling her wine and coughing, and her bodyguard rushed to her side, "Miss Takada, are you alright?"

After taking a moment to wipe her mouth, Takada looked up to Misa, and Mogi could already tell her tactic had changed. "Miss Amane?"

"Yes?"

"About Light... do you know why I met up with him?"

"You said you had met up with him by chance." Takada straightened, her sweet voice laced with poison and accusation,

"It was by chance on my part, but he called me begging for help because _somehow,_ while he was alone in his home, he ended up with date-rape drugs in his system. And while I was there, I found a particular little list." A look of loathing came on Misa's face, knowing exactly what Takada was referring to, "Please, explain that to me."

Misa glowered, standing, "I don't have to explain anything to you, bitch!" She then relaxed with a dangerous smile, "I'd be careful if I were you, or you might just join him."

No way...she can't mean that like I think she does. Mogi panicked. If she is really the Second Kira and killed Light... but why would she have killed him? Obviously, this nonsense about his wish is a bluff, because why would he tell her that? Why would she...

Takada got up and put on her jacket, "I find this unpleasant."

"Oh yeah? I feel the same!"

She began heading away, "Obviously, this was a bad idea. I should've waited until you grew up and learned a few manners before inviting you to dinner. I suppose I'll know better next time. Goodbye." She made eye-contact with Mogi just outside of Misa's line of vision and gave a small nod, knowing full well why he was here and his real purpose.

"Oh," Misa teased, dragging out the word, "I'm older than you, Kiyomi. And anyway, you're childish for storming out in the middle of dinner over a silly little comment."

Mogi headed inside the room, taking the bottle from her, grateful it wasn't his turn with the notebook, unsure of what he would do with ownership of that thing given the rampaging emotions right now. Just the idea that Misa dared to kill Light and then act devastated made his fists clench, and he had to remind himself of the good times with Misa, as though there wasn't proof the girl in those memories was a mask.

He held out his hand to her, "Misa, we should go." Misa laughed goofily, taking another swig from the bottle,

"Mochi! Did you see that? I won!" 

Deciding not to comment, Mogi helped Misa up, "Come on, let's get you home." As he helped her out, he noticed Takada's bodyguard waiting, and she nodded a bit to him, and he assumed that meant she would take care of the cameras. And that was a relief because he wanted to discuss all of this with the others.

...

"Well," Matt muttered sarcastically, "That wasn't disturbing at all." He looked to the others, who were all pale, and Matsuda was even shaking a bit. He cringed a bit, knowing sarcasm probably wasn't the way to go given what they had just seen, and Misa basically confirming what she had done.

Aizawa shook himself out of it first, "We should file for her arrest and a warrant to search her house."

"Do we really need a warrant?" Ide asked, "You've searched the place twice without one."

"Yeah, but if we're much more certain, we'll need to act fast," Aizawa pointed out, "And what are the odds of us succeeding in searching in there a third time without her catching on if she is the Second Kira?"

"We don't know for sure that she's the Second Kira..." Matsuda tried, but it wasn't convincing at all. Matt jumped in,

"The original L had evidence on her, right?" He offered, "And given what we know, it could work to our advantage that she would have to comply with at least questioning. If any of us die, we can pin it on her."

"Yeah," Matsuda rubbed the back of his neck, "Still, if the Second Kira can kill with just a face, I would rather you stay away from her, Matt."

"Understandable." He checked his messages and noticed Kiyomi wanted to meet with him for breakfast tomorrow, probably about the nonsense Misa had spat about Light's wish, "So I assume I'm just going to say that whole thing about Light's wish was an utter lie?"

"Probably," Aizawa got up, "We can discuss more with Mogi, but I should tell you guys I won't be available for the next few days. Eriko's been having a difficult time at home with the kids."

Ide jumped up, "I'll go with you."

"Fine."

Matt knew something was wrong the moment Aizawa actually agreed to let Ide come along and judging by the look he had been sent a moment ago, of total suspicion, he knew his secret could be in danger.

"So we'll discuss with Mogi and have him keep an eye on Misa," Matt clarified, "I'll talk to Kiyomi, and Matsuda will go through our findings with Sakura TV. By then, you two should be back, if I'm estimating three or four days. Maybe I can plant a bug or something in Misa's apartment, too, just to see what she's like with nobody around. Depending on what we find, we decide to file for a warrant or just go in and search the place?"

"That sounds fine," Aizawa muttered, "Come on, Ide."

Matt sighed, letting himself pray to God that he hadn't failed. If Near could do what he said he would, and let him be a successor in his own right, maybe he wouldn't be cast out.

He turned to Matsuda, a confused smile on the other man's face contrasting dark rings under his eyes. What would happen to Matsuda if Aizawa let the truth out that Matt had gotten on the task force to get information out of them?

That night years ago flashed behind his eyes, of his ten-year-old self in that orphanage, and the things he had seen, like that murderous red glow in B's eyes as something snapped inside the oldest successor that to this day Matt wondered if he imagined.

He had to talk to Aizawa and make sure he didn't fail his mission, even if he had to lie further to do it.

...

Near sat at the monitor with Halle on the other end and Rester next to him. Normally he would perhaps decorate for Christmas to keep his hands busy, but he found himself much more interested in what his brother had gotten himself into with this plan.

"About tonight's meeting between Takada and Amane, they just talked about Light Yagami." Halle informed them, "If you read between the lines, they argued about which one was a better lover for him and if Light's death can be blamed on Misa, and Misa borderline confirmed at least being at his abuser. Beforehand, I spoke to Matt, and it seems Takada is falling into the plan perfectly."

Rester turned to Near, "Your thoughts?"

"Matt's better at this than I anticipated." Near mused, chuckling a bit, "It figures. He was always willing to do anything for Mello." He held the doll he had made of Matt, "I wonder what would happen if the task force were to find out Matt's true origin, but since I've already covered for him, they would probably assume he's working for me and not Mello."

"I meant about the dinner."

"Ah, yes, it seems that Amane has proven she is indeed hostile. But that doesn't mean we have proof she is the Second Kira." He looked back over Light's autopsy report, standing up both the doll he had made of Light and the one of Misa, "And if she is, would she have killed Light? It's possible if she was really willing to go so far as to drug him for years. Perhaps he had been planning on coming clean about knowing her identity, and," he tipped over the doll of Light, "She couldn't risk that. Overall, all I can say is this. Light Yagami is popular with the ladies, and we know Takada and Amane both adore him... albeit in different ways."

"Near, please be serious about this—"

"It _is_ serious if they're both in love with him or lusting after him enough to do anything." He smirked a bit, "It means they're useful, and we can use his death to our advantage."

A bitter taste came to the back of his mouth, using the fact a dead man can tell no tales to his advantage in the event Takada turned against Matt at any point.

But if Light Yagami cared about justice at all, surely he wouldn't mind.


End file.
